Spatulas and Bandannas
by Shikoku
Summary: A little black piglet washes upon the beach that a vengeful young okonomiyaki chef is training. The Ranma OneHalf Universe as you know it is about to change.
1. Prologue

A/N: This story was first written a loooong time ago (at least 6 years ago) So bare with me, I may remember it being more brilliant than it is. :)

Shikoku

Spatulas and Bandannas PROLOGUE

In Japan, in the ocean facing China, a figure danced within the waters. On closer look the figure appears to be a young man with long brown hair tied away from his face. His dance was in truth a martial arts kata, and the waves were his opponents. He danced and bobbed away from the waves hitting back with a long metal spatula that he bore much like he would a bo. A look of pure concentration and determination passed through the man's handsome face, as he focused all of his energy on the battle at hand. A battle, he hoped would prepare him to one day set out to defeat his enemies. Those who have ruined his life by leaving him behind. They had forced him to give up being who he was and made him become someone else. Someone who can only feel anger and sadness at what he lost. Someone who was bent on revenge. Someone who didn't mind the thought of killing to get the justice he believed he deserved.

Panting, the man finished his kata. He stood in the waist deep water and gave the ocean a respectful bow, possibly thanking it for sparring with him. That done, he turned and made his way to the beach, where a portable stove awaited him. Just as skillfully as he had fought, the man prepared himself the ingredients for okonomiyaki. He heated up the grill and poured the mixture onto the hot surface. In a relaxed state, he flipped the okonomiyaki with a mini spatula until it was perfect. Enjoying his lunch, he gazed out into the crystal blue water. The waves lapped onto the beach peacefully, completely different than when he had fought against them.

But something was wrong. Out in the farthest part of the waters, the man could see a dark shape appear. Curious, he stood up and tried to get a better look. It looked like it was a small child or an animal of some kind that was struggling in the deep water. Without a second thought, the man ran back to the water and dove in. Quickly, he swam closer to the creature. He began to make out the exact shape of the creature. Before he could identify it, it sank deeper into the water and didn't come up. Afraid that it might have drowned, the man dived deeper into the water. But he couldn't find it. He resurfaced, took a deep breath, and dived again. Again he frantically searched, but again it was all for naught. He was forced to resurface again to again catch his breath. The thing had probably drowned by now, but the man refused to give up. Once more he dived, this time deeper than before. Blindly, he felt around with his hands, until they brushed up against something. The man quickly grabbed the object he had found and swam towards the surface.

Once he caught his breath again, the man finally saw what he had saved. He looked down at the object in his hands and gasped. "A little black pig?" He said, completely bewildered. He had gone through all that trouble over a pig? How did a pig get so far out in the ocean, anyway?

The pig, slowly awoke and afraid, looked around. Frantically. Realizing he was being held, the pig looked up at the man, questionably. "Bweee?" he asked.

The man looked down at the pig. The pig in turn looked up at him. The man then realized that it was actually a rather cute pig. The yellow and black bandanna around its neck may mean it was a pet. In that case, the pig may have been worth saving after all.

The pig sneezed, and the man realized how wet the both of them were. "I'd better dry us both off," he remarked, laughing when the pig nodded its head in agreement. With the pig in his arms, the man waded back to the beach, specifically his campsite. "You know," He said conversationally to the pig, "I think I'll call you "P-chan" until I find your real owner." And he did.

END PROLOGUE

All the characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi. 


	2. Nerima's Newest Visitors

Spatulas and Bandannas by Shikoku

Chapter One: Nerima's Newest Visitors

The streets of Nerima were still damp from an earlier shower. A young man ignored the dampness as he ran through the town. He was dressed in a blue okinomiyaki sellers uniform. His damp brown hair hung around his shoulders tied back with a white ribbon. He bore a bandaleer holding mini spatulas across his chest and a larger spatula was strapped to his back. He ran very quickly, considering he was carrying two backpacks, one of which looked very heavy with a red bamboo umbrella strapped onto it.

Behind the man ran a little black pig, which was desperately trying to keep up with the faster man. Tired, the pig began to lag behind, until, finally, he sat down onto his haunches, completely exhausted. He realized his companion was running ahead, not having realized he had stopped running with him. Afraid he would leave him behind, the pig called after the man. "Bweeee!"

Hearing the pig's calls, the man turned and saw the pig. "Come on, P-chan, we're almost there. Wait until we find the restaurant, then you can rest all you want."

The pig seemed to think over what the man said, then shook his head. "Bweeee bwe Bweee," it answered, stubbornly.

"I know it's hard to keep up with me when you're like that, and I would carry you if I didn't already have two heavy backpacks to carry. How can you fit so much in one backpack, anyway? It weighs a ton!"

"Bweee!" The pig answered, indignantly.

"Okay, I'll go slower. Just try not to get lost. Last time you managed to end up in Shikoku before I finally found you."

"Bwee Bwee," The pig nodded. He stood up and followed the man as once again he ran down the streets. The crowd which had stopped to listen to the unusual pair, went back to what they were doing. "First a girl and a panda, now a boy and a pig. What next?" "How can he understand that pig, anyway?" "Nerima's just getting weirder and weirder," and similar comments were muttered by all, but the man and the pig ignored them. They just kept running, headed for the restaurant district.

Just you wait, old man! First I'm gonna pay you back for what you did to me, then I'm gonna go after that bastard you call a son!

The pig tried to ignore the evil laughter that was coming from his friend.

Genma Saotome sat across from his best friend, Soun Tendo. The two middle-aged men were locked in combat. It was a contest of skill, a contest of strategy, a contest to see who was a better cheater. In other words, they were playing shogi, again.

"Ahh, Saotome, isn't life good?" Soun declared gazing out to the backyard. Genma took this opportunity to switch around some of the game pieces.

"It sure is, Tendo. A wonderful night to be alive!" He, too, looked out the window, as Soun switched the pieces further. Genma returned to the game, and the two men lapsed into a contented silence, as they ignored the sounds of their children yelling. Still, it was hard to ignore a overdressed Ranma-chan running through the house with Nabiki and Akane chasing after her.

"I told you I'm a guy!" The pigtailed girl shouted, who looked very cute in Akane's Halloween costume from last year, by the way. She continued to run through the house like her life depended on it, just barely dodging in time to avoid hitting Kasumi, who had just entered the house.

Unfazed, Kasumi walked up to the two fathers, smiling as sweetly as ever. "Oh, Mr. Saotome, this was waiting for you. I found it on the front steps."

Genma adjusted his glasses, as Kasumi handed him the thin box. "Thank you, Kasumi," He said, opening the box and releasing an appetizing smell into the room.

Soun leaned over the shogi board to pear into Genma's box. "Well, what is it, Saotome?" He asked, not being able to hide his curiosity.

At first, Genma didn't answer. He just stared at the package, silently. Inside was an okonomiyaki, with a challenge letter written on it in soy sauce. He didn't know why, but the okinomiyaki unnerved him. He knew that somehow this okonomiyaki means something to him, something bad that he had hoped he would forget, but try as he might he couldn't remember what. Maybe he forgot too good. Still, he had a bad feeling about this...

"Saotome!" Soun snapped, snapping Genma out of his thoughts.

"What is it, Tendo?" Genma snapped back, not appreciating being yelled at.

"What do you got there?"

"A challenge letter" Genma reluctantly answered.

"A challenge letter? Are you sure it's for you? I thought only Ranma gets challenged to fights in this series."

"No it's for me, Tendo. I can read, and it clearly says 'Genma Saotome'...Well, okay it is kind of smudged." He paused, waiting for the water works.

He wasn't disappointed. "Waaaaaah! My best friend's going out to fight in a battle to the death? Who will take care of his young son and wife! He'll probably make me do it! I can't afford this! And who will I play shogi with?" Soun predictably fell to pieces, leaving Genma shaking his head, disgustedly.

"I see you have great faith in me, Tendo," he, dryly, remarked.

It was dusk, and in the local vacant lot (TM), the young man stood. He held his giant spatula casually, as he waited for his enemy to show. Sure taking his time He thought impatiently. That is if he does show. It wouldn't surprise me if the coward had skipped town the moment he received my message. He would do that! He gripped his spatula tighter, thinking of all the things he would do with the old man if he did run away.

The okonomiyaki chef had spent his whole life preparing for this moment. When he and his only companion in the world had finished setting up their restaurant, he had immediately tracked down Genma Saotome and sent the challenge letter. Now if only he would show...

He sensed the presence of his opponent before he saw him coming. Quickly, the man hid.

The man watched as Genma entered the vacant lot. The old man glanced around for the one who challenged him. On his face was a nervous, dreadful expression, as he walked into the center of the lot. He didn't look like much of a challenge looking like a short fat bald old man which he is, but he still managed to successfully dodge the projectiles the hidden chef threw at him.

Genma looked down at the objects he had just dodged. Spatulas! He looked up again in time to see his attacker come flying at him. It was too late to dodge, and Genma was kicked square in the chest. He flew backwards landing hard on his back. Weakly, he struggled to get up, at least that is what it looked like to his attacker. In truth, Genma wasn't that badly hurt. He just made it look like it to throw off his opponent. No doubt about it, he's good. I have to play this carefully... "What do you want with an old man like me? What did I ever do to you?" He waited as his attacker stepped out of the shadows. Genma finally got a good look at him. A young boy, looks about Ranma's age...Hmmm... Genma tried to think real hard. Where did he see this boy before?

The boy paused in his fighting to sneer at him. "You still don't recognize me, do you?" He asked. "Well, I remember you, Genma Saotome. Although I tried to forget. I'm Ukyo, Ukyo Kuanji, the child you left behind! And you have ruined my life! I'm gonna make you pay for that!" With that, the boy twirled his battle spatula around in an offensive move, which caught Genma by surprise. The sharp blade cut against his chest and he doubled over in pain. All the while his mind was screaming at him, now remembering where he had seen this boy before. Oh, no, not Ukyo! If Ranma finds out, he's gonna kill me! He saw Ukyo once again come at him, with murder burning in his eyes. Genma gulped. Not unless, Ukyo kills me first.  
He tried to defend himself but as the wise ones said: "Hell hath no fury, like an okonomiyaki chef scorned. The night was filled with Genma's screams.

A block away, Akane Tendo was walking in the night. She just had to get away from Ranma and his insults. Telling me that I am built like a gorilla and half as cute! How dare he! Ranma, you make me so mad! She punched a telephone pole and left a fist sized hole in it. She was about to continue with her silent ranting when she heard an agonizing scream of pain.  
She immediately recognized it as Genma's agonizing scream of pain. She had heard it often enough when he and Ranma sparred.  
Akane briefly wondered if she should go help her 'future father-in-law'. Who would miss him, if he did turn up missing? But her compassionate side took over and she ran towards the loud screaming. Gee, I wonder why no one else is bothered by the noise he's making? But why should they? They live in Nerima. They were used to it.

Akane soon found herself in one of Nerima's vacant lots TM. She arrived just in time to see the figure of a young man hovering over the unconscious heap of Genma Saotome.  
The boy saw her, then leaped away disappearing in the night.

Akane ran to Genma, to see to her disappointment that he was still alive. (It's not that she wanted to wish misfortune on the man, but she was tired of him always bugging her to marry his hentai of a son.) "Mr. Saotome! Are you okay!" She asked, actually worried.

But he didn't answer. Hey, I said he was unconscious!

Sighing, she heaved the man onto her back and struggling slightly under his massive girth, she began the long walk home. She'll think of it as training.

Damn, that girl, interrupting my fight! I was just getting started! Ukyo Kuanji wasn't in a very good mood as he raced down the abandoned streets heading towards the restaurant district. Actually, he was feeling kind of relieved as well. I guess it was all for the best. I didn't want to kill him. I just wanted him to pay for almost ruining my life, that's all. I guess beating the hell outa him counts as revenge... Still, I can't help but wish it could have lasted longer... I was having fun Then he remembered that he still had Ranma to gain his revenge from, and he immediately brightened. Beating him up, will be twice as much fun... Cause this time he had a partner, to join in the fun.

So, Ukyo was grinning by the time he finally arrived at one particular building smack dab in the middle of the restaurant district. It wasn't much to look at yet, but Ukyo had big plans for the place. To him it was already home.

He entered the building and shouted out to his housemate: "I'm back! How are you holdin' up, Ryo-chan? You unpacked, yet? He heard movement from another part of the restaurant, then sweat dropped when he heard his friend's foot steps going the wrong way. "WHERE ON EARTH AM I NOW?" A muffled voice cried. Sighing, Ukyo followed the sound of Ryo-chan's shouting, and sure enough found Ryoga Hibiki inside an empty closet.

"You never cease to amaze me," Ukyo muttered, shaking his head.

Ryoga blushed, and played with the bandanna tied onto his head which blended in nicely with his jet black, thick, unruly hair. "I can't help it! You know that."

Sighing, Ukyo grabbed his friend's hand and led him to the kitchen. Boxes were stacked all around the empty room, but he managed to find the equipment he needed to make two okinomiyakis on his brand new stove. As Ryoga ate his, Ukyo lovingly cleaned his stove, just knowing that he was going to love this place.

After finishing his meal, Ryoga finally spoke up. "So did you kill him?"

"No, some girl ran into the lot, and so I stopped. I didn't really want to kill him anyway, just make him bleed."

"I haven't decided whether I want to kill Ranma or not. After what he had done to my life, he does deserve it..."

"I hear you. But Ranma can wait until we start school. We need to finish getting the restaurant ready for the Grand Opening."

Ryoga nodded. "I guess I can wait a couple more days, but do I really have to go back to school? I have never gone that often before because of my, uh, problem.."

"Oh, don't worry about that anymore, Ryo-chan. I'll be there to make sure you don't end up in Alaska. You just worry about catching up on two years of absences." With that said, Ukyo went upstairs to get ready for bed, laughing quietly to himself the whole way.

Ryoga sat in silence, still dreading the thought of school. "That's what I was afraid of," He muttered to himself. Then he realized that Ukyo had left, and that he had no idea where his room was. "Where did the stairs go!"

Ukyo sighed once again, as he came back down the stairs to help Ryoga find his room, Jackass He thought, clearly annoyed with the lost boy. Oh, well, you get used to it. He turned and headed back to his room for the night.

To say that the Tendo's and Ranma were surprised by the state Genma was in, by the time, Akane got home, would be an understatement.

Well, Kasumi did her characteristic. "Oh, my." Then left to find her first aid kit. Nabiki tried to question Genma on who had beaten him up, and what were the odds of that person against Ranma. No doubt, she was planning to use this information for future reference. Soun's tears had almost flooded the house. He was so distraught that someone would clobber his best friend, and Ranma was surprised that the attacker wasn't after him. "Are you sure the challenge letter was for you, pop? I mean our names are kind of similar, it could of been a typo!" Ranma actually hoped it had been for him. The only person he had to fight around here (Besides Akane, and he doesn't hit girls) was Kuno, and frankly, fighting Kuno had become rather boring lately. Ranma was ready for the next challenge, whatever that could be.

"NO IT WASN'T FOR YOU, RANMA!" Genma yelled at him, losing what little patience he had. Ranma scowled in answer. "Geesh, ya didn't have ta shout about it, Pop."

Nabiki looked at Ranma, silencing him with her icy glare. "Can I talk to him, now?" She turned back to the beaten up old man, and began questioning him, with a professionalism that many detectives would probably be jealous of. "Now, Mr. Saotome, who was it you said had done this to you?"

Genma blanked. How could he admit to his son and future in-  
laws that he had been beaten up by a young, weak,-

Ranma impatiently, bopped him on the head. "Come on, Pop. We ain't got all night!"

Genma turned to his son, and shouted at him: "Do you mind? I'm thinking here!"

"Well, think harder, stupid!" Ranma shouted back.

By this time, Nabiki had finally given it up, deciding to get the information later. With a huff, she exited the room, leaving Father and Son in the middle of their current argument.

"Mr. Saotome," Akane cut in, brave enough to interrupt this 'touching' moment. "Does this have anything to do with that boy I saw at the lot?"

Genma sighed realizing he may have to admit the truth after all..

Ranma just laughed. "Ya got beaten up by a kid, Pop? Getting slow with your age, ain't ya?"

Genma glared at him, again. "I can take you on any day, Boy, so you better not get any cockier." He turned to Akane, completely ignoring the 'yeah, right' look on Ranma's face.

"Why, yes, that 'boy' was the attacker." This time, Genma couldn't ignore the smug expression on Ranma's face. Since his back was turned from the pigtailed martial artist, he couldn't actually see it, but he knew it was there just the same. "I wouldn't laugh Ranma, if I know him. He will be coming after you next.."

Ranma was happy to hear that.

Next time: Gee, do the two new students have anything to do with Genma's attack?  
Gee I wonder...

Characters property of Rumiko Takahashi! 


	3. Our First Day at Furinkan High

A/N: Oh, man, it's fun reading my old fanfics. Part of me wants to sweatdrop with every misspelling (I had a heckof the time spelling Nerima and Okonomiyaki back then)

I was thinking about leaving all the spelling mistakes alone, but I didn't want to be bombarded with "You spelled this wrong..." comments.

I also notice I can't seem to remember Akane's friend's names. Watch as one girl's name changes with every sentence. :)

Spatulas and Bandannas by Shikoku

Chapter Two: Our First Day at Furinkan High

As usual, Ranma and Akane were late. Quickly, they both ran to school. Akane on the sidewalk, grumbling about stupid hentai bakas, and Ranma on the fence, grumbling about uncute violent tomboys. So basically it was a typical day for them.

Still, Akane, although she'd probably never admit it out loud, was worried. That boy had done a very good job in beating up Genma, and now there was a very good chance he would be doing the same with Ranma. Akane knew that Ranma was a ...pretty good martial artist, but Genma was, too. He had also been the one that taught Ranma everything he knew about martial arts. If the boy was good enough to defeat the master, shouldn't he also be able to defeat the student? Akane silently hoped that she would never have to find out. Not that she didn't want Ranma to be defeated. Actually, she kind of hoped he would be bested someday, just to shrink his giant ego down a bit. But she didn't want him to get hurt, either.

She glanced up at Ranma, discreetly, to see him still running and grumbling to himself. Still she couldn't help over hear him say the word "stubborn uncute girl" again.

She took it all back. She would love to see the stupid jerk hurt, but SHE'd be the one to do it. She lifted her book bag up so she could throw it at him.

But a piece of paper, blew by her, caught in the wind. Curious, she lowered her 'weapon' and caught the paper. It was an advertisement of some kind.

Ranma stopped running, having realized Akane was no longer by his side. Idly, he walked back to her and looked over her shoulder to see what she was reading. With a gasp, he tore the paper away from her.

"Hey, I was reading that, you jerk!" Akane shouted at him.

But Ranma ignored it, instead reading the advertisement out loud. "For the best okonomiyaki in the world, come to the grand opening of Uuchans Okonomiyaki. Come, and you will not be disappointed." He stopped reading, but paused thinking with a 'I know this is silly, but there's something familiar about this add, but I have no clue what it is' look on his face.

Akane noticed the look and forgetting her anger towards him asked almost worried: "Ranma... what's wrong?"

He shook his head. "Nothings wrong... this just kind of reminded me of something...I can't remember what." He folded up the paper and stuck it in his school bag. "Oh, I'm sure it'll hit me sooner or later." With that he took off running, but called over his shoulder. "Hurry up, Akane! I'll beat ya to school!"

Akane shook her head, amazed at the quick mood swings her fiancee had but raced after him anyway. "There's no way, I'm gonna let that jerk defeat me!"

The two raced off to school, the advertisement forgotten, but not for long.

As would be expected, Ranma did beat Akane to school. Even if Akane was on her best day, she still would never stand the chance of out racing him. Ranma hoped this would always be so. It would be embarrassing to lose to a girl.

Still Akane was one of the few people who could actually keep up with him. He had to give her credit for that.

A few minutes later, Akane ran into the school yard, panting a little bit from her excursion.

"Hey, Akane what took you so long?" Ranma asked, teasingly.

In answer, Akane glared at him. "Shut up, Ranma!" She shouted, lamely swinging her school bag at him. She was too tired to actually hit him, but she recovered quickly.

Jeeze, Ranma thought to himself, as he dodged the book bag. I was only joking. Why does she always have to take everything so personally, stupid tomboy He was about to say that out loud, when Akane saved him by spotting her friends.

"Oh, there's Saryuri, Hey guys!" Akane left her fiancee to talk to the group of girls with her two best friends.

Ranma watched her leave, feeling kind of disappointed for some reason. Stupid tomboy.. He began to walk away, still watching his fiancee actually looking sort of cute, as she talked to her friends, when he bumped into somebody. "Hey, watch it, man." He said, rubbing his head.

The other boy, who was also rubbing his head, glared at him showing sharp canine teeth, which resembled fangs. The boy was about Ranma's height, well built with dark, shaggy hair held away from his face with a yellow bandanna with black squares decorating it, just barely keeping his long bangs away from his brown eyes. Like Ranma, the boy didn't wear the Furinkan high uniform, but was instead dressed in a long-sleeved yellow peasant shirt tied at the waist with a black belt over black pants which were tied at the shins crisscrossing to his ankles. He also carried a heavy looking backpack with a red ornamental umbrella attached to it.  
The two boys didn't say anything, instead they merely stared at each other for a long tense moment. The boy looked like he wanted to, but he didn't. Instead he turned and strode away, heading towards the soccer field. Ranma stared after him for a sec, wondering why that boy seemed so familiar, but he was interrupted from his thoughts by a very familiar bokken.

"Curse, you Ranma Saotome, today I, Tatewaki Kuno shall release the fair Akane Tendo and the innocent Pigtailed-girl from your villainous grasp. Prepare thyself!"(I probably don't have to tell you who said that, now do I? )

Ranma smiled as he fell into a defensive stance. Finally, we get some action here.

Kuno charged at Ranma, prepared to strike...

Okay, by now, we're all familiar with a typical Ranma/Kuno fight. Kuno spouts off bad poetry and Shakespeare which had probably been performed by a drunk, while swinging his bokken in hopes that he would actually hit something. While this is going on, Ranma would be dodging all of Kuno's bokken swings, casually, adding a cool catch phrase or jab at Kuno once in a while ending with a punch or kick that knocks Kuno away, thus ending the fight. It gets pretty mundane after awhile. So I'm not gonna bother describing the fight between the two. It may just bore you. Instead why don't we see what Akane and the girls are doing, shall we?

A large group of girls surrounded Sakuka and Yuri as they told their latest juicy story: "Did, you hear?..."

Oh, it looks like they're gossiping.

"Furinkan High is getting some new students," Sakyura finished, ignoring the narrator.

The girls oohed and aahed...oh, and played twenty questions.

"How many new students"  
"Boys or girls?"

"Are they cute?"

"Do you think they'll be in our class?"

"How much you wanna bet that they'd either fall for Ranma or Akane?"

Akane blushed at that one, while Nabiki appeared out of nowhere to take down the odds. The odds were pretty good actually, considering how about ninety percent of the characters in this series are in love with one of the two. (Sometimes both, i.e. Kuno), but as this is my story and I get to decide who likes who, the odds are a bit lower. Hmmm, maybe I should join in Nabiki's betting pool... I can make a fortune... Nah! She'd probably cheat me in the end anyway.

Uh, where was I?...

Oh, yeah!

Anyway, the girls were all excited about the prospects of fresh blood at their school, particularly, the girls who have actually seen the boys.

Yuka was one of the lucky ones. "I saw one of them arrive! He was sooo cute. He had long brown hair and the dreamiest green eyes ever." She sighed picturing Ukyo's eyes, once again. The other girls sighed with her, trying to picture Ukyo's dreamy eyes. All jealous that Yuka claimed him first.

"And what about the other guy..." Another girl spoke up. "He had the most kawaiest fangs..." All the girls switched from sighing about Ukyo's eyes to sighing about Ryoga's kawai fangs.

Akane was the only one not sighing about Ukyo's eyes or Ryoga's fangs. She still didn't understand what her friends saw in boys. She will admit that lately she didn't hate them as much as she used to, although she sometimes thought of changing her mind when Ranma insulted her or Kuno glomped her. It did help that all the boys in her school have finally stopped trying to beat her up each day. But she still didn't really see the point in sighing about them...Although, she did love it when Ranma grinned at her just so...but that's different! She hoped.

So basically Akane was getting bored quickly of this whole conversation. She soon found herself glancing around the school yard, hoping that school would start soon. Doing so enabled her to catch a glimpse of a boy with a long brown ponytail walking around the yard, as if he was searching for something... or someone.

Akane gasped when she realized that she had seen the very same boy at the vacant lot the other night. He was the one who had beaten up Genma! She broke apart from her friends to track the boy down but wasn't able to find him again, before school started.

Oh, and thanks to Ukyo who had finally found him a block away, Ryoga was able to arrive at school for the first time in two years... only thirty minutes late.

To nobody's surprise, two new students arrived thirty minites late for class. The teacher glanced up and adjusted his glasses. "Aw, Hibiki, Kuanji, so nice of you to join us."

Ukyo dragged Ryoga into the room and bowed respectfully to the teacher. "Sorry that we're late, sensei." He said, politely.

The teacher, obviously touched by the new students politeness, merely said. "Just don't make a habit out of it." This was a surprise since usually, he threw tardy students into the hall to hold buckets of water. He smiled, pleasantly, before turning to the rest of the class with a stern look on his face. "Class this is Ukyo Kuanji and Ryoga Hibiki. Try to welcome them instead of bashing their brains in," This remark was for Akane and Ranma. Like they could help that the last new student was stupid enough to walk between them right after Ranma called Akane "uncute" again. Really, there's no justice in this world!  
Ukyo ignored that remark, instead pulling a grill out of Hammerspace. He twirled his spatulas, expertly then began making okonomiyaki. "Ukyo's the name, okonomiyaki's the game. Charmed I'm sure." As an afterthought, he added: "Oh, and this is Ryoga. He's good at breaking stuff"  
The dark haired boy laughed nervously with a hand behind his head in embarrassment. He wasn't used to being the center of attention, and it clearly showed. He did wave a little to the class and stuttered a "Hi". The girls sighed, like he just said the cutest thing ever.

Ranma, meanwhile was staring at the two people before him. Why do those two seem so familiar He thought, wishing he had a better memory. But he had traveled so much as a kid everything was fuzzy. He decided to take this situation very subtle like. He stood up and pointed at them. "Hey, do I know you from somewhere?" As subtle as an elephant hiding in a crowd of kitty cats.

Ukyo and Ryoga looked at each other in shock. They then turned to face Ranma and said as one: "HELL, YES!"

Ranma nodded, "I thought so." He then broke the mood by asking. "Uh, how do I know you"  
Everyone facefaulted, but nobody fell as hard as Ukyo... well maybe Ryoga fell just as hard.. Oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway. They were all shocked, got it?

The two struggled to get up. "Because of you, I've seen HELL!" They both shouted as one again. Funny, how they keep doing that.

Ranma just stared at them blankly. "Huh?"

Akane glared at him. "Just what did you do to these people, Ranma!"

Ranma glared back at her. "I didn't do nothing to em, Akane! I don't even remember where I've seen them before!"

Ukyo sighed and flipped the okonomiyaki he made at Ranma, who caught it and began eating, suddenly without a care in the world.

If he didn't remember Ukyo right away, he did remember his cooking. Slowly, the taste of the okonomiyaki brought forth memories out of the cluttered mind that is Ranma's. "Hey, you're that okonomiyaki chef, Uuchan, ain't ya?"

Ukyo smiled, grimly. "Glad you finally remember me, Saotome."

Ryoga stepped forward, cracking his knuckles and glaring at Ranma. "Do you remember me, yet?"

Ranma stared at Ryoga for a moment with a blank look on his face." No... not yet... did you cook me good stuff, too?"

"NO!" Ryoga yelled, "But YOU DID STEAL MY BREAD!"'

Once again, the mention of food brought back Ranma's memories. "Ryoga! I remember now! Junior High school."

Ryoga chuckled darkly to himself, pleased that his sworn enemy finally remembered him.

Akane watched everything in an exasperated silence. "So you remember them now, Ranma?"

Ranma was all smiles now. "Yeah! They were my best friends!"

Ryoga and Ukyo, okay and everyone else in the classroom, almost facefaulted again but stopped them selves in time. "WE'RE NOT YOUR FRIENDS! WE'RE HERE TO KILL YOU! PREPARE TO DIE!"

Ranma's smile faded. So much for the happy reunion.

The Sensei didn't like the idea of students killing students in his classroom. So that's how Ranma, Ryoga, Ukyo, and even Akane found themselves standing in the hall holding two buckets of water each.

Akane turned and glared at Ranma. "This is all your fault!" She shouted at him, clearly not happy.

Denying it, Ranma tried to point at the seething murderous duo with his two buckets. "Hey, it's not MY fault! THEY're the ones trying to kill me!" Uh, why do you want to kill me, anyway?" He asked, curiously.

"Despite the obvious reasons, of course," Akane added under her breath.

Ryoga and Ukyo didn't seem to hear her, too busy staring at Ranma in shock. "You mean you don't know?" Ukyo asked incredulously.

Ranma shook his head.

"TRY to remember," Ryoga demanded, venomously.

"Okay..." Ranma thought real hard. "It was back when Pop and I were on our training journey. I met Uuchan when I was five, and we had the best time together. We'd play, and he would make me some okonomiyaki. What a great time we had!" (We see, the familiar scene of chibi Ranma running towards a ticked off chibi Ukyo. Chibi Ranma jumps on top of chibi Ukyo and begins eating the okonomiyaki Ukyo's father had been making.)

"Oh, how sad was the day, we left! Remember, Uuchan how you cried?"

"Gee, I wonder." Ukyo muttered, sarcastically, as we see him as a kid running after his stolen okonomiyaki cart with chibi Ranma sitting on it, waving goodbye.

"So that's how I met, Uuchan." Ranma finished.

Ryoga stared at him confused. He had heard a slightly different version of this story. "Gee, Ranma, why don't you tell them how you met me." Actually, he was afraid to ask.

He should be. Ranma had an interesting version of their first meeting, too. "Oh, Ryoga and I met in junior high during lunch. We used to always compete for the last piece of bread. I usually won. It was a lot of fun. (We see the bread feud flashback. Young Ryoga reaches for the last bread that was thrown into the crowd and was about to grab it, when young Ranma jumps off his head and gobbles it up. Many more scenes follow all with the same result)  
"We were good buddies back then. I would help Ryoga find his way to and from school, and he was always willing to spar with me." (Young Ranma runs down the street heading for Ryoga's house with an angry young Ryoga following. Young Ranma glances back, yells, something, then laughs. Young Ryoga growls and tried to punch him, but young Ranma dodges, still laughing)  
"Then came the day I had to leave. It was really sad, especially since we never got to say goodbye." Ranma finished.  
By this time both Ryoga and Ukyo were growling to themselves. Akane noticed this and asked her fiancee, "Is that how it really happened?" Even Ranma could tell she was highly skeptical, which meant it was very obvious.  
Ryoga and Ukyo answered for Ranma. "NO!"

Ukyo turned to Ranma, eyes burning with rage. "You and your sorry excuse for a father had stolen my family's okonomiyaki cart!"

Ranma stared at shock at that revelation. My father would never do that! ...Then again, yes, he would. Come to think of it, I had been riding the cart when Pop and I left Uuchan...

Ryoga also glared at Ranma with the same hate in his eyes. "And we were never friends! You stole my bread and kept on picking on me! And then when I challenged you to a fight you never showed up!"

Hmmm, maybe that's why Ryoga was always in a bad mood... He did remember the fight, though. "Hey, I waited at the vacant lot behind your house for three days!"

"Three days!" Akane broke in.

"Yeah, but when I got there on the fourth day, you had already turned tail and ran!"

"The fourth day? What's wrong with this guy?" Akane broke in again.

"He doesn't have the world's best sense of direction" Ukyo answered her.

"So why do you want to kill me for?" Ranma asked, still not getting it.

"I want to finish our fight," Ryoga's smile was kind of scary.

"WE want to finish it." Ukyo added. "You almost ruined our lives."

"So we're gonna ruin your happiness." Ryoga finished.

pika pika Ranma blinked, "My happiness?" He turned to Akane. "Am I happy?"

"How am I supposed to know!"

Ranma shrugged and turned back to his ex-friends. "You're on!"

Ranma could never turn down a challenge, he's kind of dumb in that way.

Especially when he's about to fight two new opponents at the same time.

NEXT TIME: Can Ranma defeat both Ryoga AND Ukyo at the same time? Find out in the third chapter of Spatulas and Bandannas, coming as soon as I write it.

All Characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi! 


	4. Two Against One: Ranma's in Trouble

A/N: Wow, wasn't expecting reviews already...even more surprised some people remember this story. I'm still trying to knock all the dust off of it. :)

Spatulas and Bandannas by Shikoku Chapter Three: Two Against One: Ranma's in Trouble

By the time school was finished for the day, almost everyone at Furinkan High had heard about the upcoming fight between Ranma and the new kids. Nabiki even knew more than the fighters themselves. Don't ask me how she does it.

Furinkan's yard was filled with people, students, teachers, and every bored person in Nerima. It seems these people have nothing better to do with their time but watch the neighborhood martial artists bash each other's heads in. Go figure. The fight wasn't ready to begin yet, so they were busy entertaining themselves, talking, poking around at the giant wrestling ring that had suddenly appeared in the schoolyard, and taking bets with Nabiki. For once the odds were not all in Ranma's favor. The statistics just didn't think he could take on two new opponents at the same time. Many of the people were there to see the Great Ranma Saotome lose for the first time.

Akane was one of the people who believed this. She was worried. Stupid, I can't believe he thinks he can beat them! Stupid, stupid, stupid.. With a worried look on her face, she glanced at Ranma, who was casually leaning against a tree. He looked like he had nothing to worry about. Why won't he take this seriously! He doesn't really think he has a chance to win, does he? She sighed, deciding to take a walk in hopes of feeling better.

As she walked she happened to see Ryoga and Ukyo both preparing for the upcoming fight. Ukyo was busy setting up various ingredients at his place in the wrestling ring. Ryoga stood by, stretching his muscles and limbering up. He glanced at Ukyo and said something, but Akane was too far away to hear him. Ukyo answered making gestures at the ring and then at Ryoga, who shook his head and gestured back at him, urging him to go on. Ukyo relented and smiled, turning away to prepare further. Akane guessed that they decided Ukyo was up against Ranma first. She then watched as Ryoga reached out and grabbed Ukyo's hand. Ukyo turned back to Ryoga, surprised. Ryoga said something, which caused Ukyo to blush. Akane could see the boy turn red from clear across the ring. Abruptly, Ukyo grabbed the lost boy and hugged him, in a uh, very questionable way.. It was now Ryoga that was blushing beet red, as Ukyo finally got back to his preparations. Akane, too, was blushing embarrassed that she caught this private moment. Who knew... She thought to herself, quickly walking away. I wonder if Ranma knew about their... uh, preference...

Finally, the moment everyone had been waiting for arrived. Ranma, finished with his own preparations. (Some basic stretches, warm ups, and quick psyching up for another win.) stepped into the big clearing the crowd had left for the fighters. Some of the people that were paying attention cheered for him, but most were still rushing to their place or switching their bets around at the last minute. Ranma glanced around for his first opponent. He saw Ryoga standing silently by himself, but the fanged warrior shook his head, indicating Ukyo, who was by his new okonomiyaki cart, selling snacks to the spectators.

Ranma sighed, but waited patiently (for him) for Ukyo to finish. To his surprise Ukyo walked passed him and jumped into the ring. "Coming?" He asked. Ranma nodded and entered the ring, too. The fight had now officially began.

Ranma looked at his once friend. He didn't really want to fight him. Maybe he could talk him out of it... "Hey, Uuchan, how's it going?" Hey, he couldn't actually talk him out of it. He didn't want everyone to think he was a coward.

Ukyo growled at him, clutching his battle spatula tighter. "Enough small talk. Let's fight!" He began swinging his spatula at the pigtailed martial artist, who dodged each swing, casually. "Come on, Uuchan, why can't we be friends?"

"I already told you! You almost ruined my life!" He reached into his shirt and pulled out a small bag. "Flour Bomb!" He shouted tossing the bag to the ground. Ranma watched in mild fascination as the bag burst with a puff of flour like smoke. Ranma looked around for Ukyo in the fog but couldn't see him, (which was the whole point of the flour bomb attack) until a large spatula came out and slapped him in the chest. Surprised Ranma rolled backwards, finally catching himself... by putting his hand palm down on the shiny metal floor surrounding the ring. The HOT shiny metal floor. Ranma screamed in pain, clutching his burned hand.

Ukyo grinned and went to attack again with his spatula. But Ranma wouldn't let him get near him as he started punching and kicking, while blocking Ukyo's attacks. Ukyo fell back surprised. For he just found out what Ranma fought like when he was serious. He was mad now, and everyone knew it. A mad Ranma could be a scary Ranma.  
"I held back because we were friends, once, but you're gonna pay for burning me!" Ranma shouted as he tried to get past Ukyo's strong defense.

Ukyo desperately tried to keep Ranma at bay. It would be bad if Ranma got too close. Ukyo was better at fighting at a distance. He was also good at yelling. "It was supposed to hurt, you JACKASS!" He shouted back, as only Ukyo Kuanji can. He grabbed a bowl on a nearby table and threw it at Ranma.

The mixture hit and blew Ranma up. "Just a little tempora flakes mixed with gunpowder!" He announced. He took advantage of Ranma's confusion and pulled out another bowl. This time soba noodles were thrown and wrapped around Ranma. He struggled to break loose, but the noodles were too strong.

"Hey, let go!" Ranma shouted.

Ukyo grinned. He got him right where he wanted. Now for the cleanup! He grabbed the noodles and began to twirl it bringing Ranma with it. Around and around Ranma swung, until Ukyo let him go. Ranma found himself flying out of the ring.

"Tag, Ryo-chan!" Ukyo shouted, "You're it." Worn out, he sat down to watch.

Ranma flew through the air falling. He concentrated on breaking loose from the noodles but still managed to dodge the umbrella that was thrown like a top at him from the ground. Still he took advantage of the umbrella's sharp edges to cut himself loose. Skillfully, he finally landed on the ground just in time for Ryoga to tackle him. Ranma rolled with Ryoga's force and momentum and kicked the fanged boy off of him.

Ryoga landed just as easily as Ranma had. Quickly, he turned and rushed at him again. The two boys traded kicks and blows faster than the spectators could follow, but from the sounds of the 'oohing' and 'aahing', the audience was impressed with their fighting.

Ranma flipped over and away from another of Ryoga's roundhouse kicks. He sensed motion behind him and ducked just as Ryoga's umbrella finally returned. Ryoga easily caught the thing and closing it began using it as a sword. Ranma was forced to play defensive but still managed to sneak in for a punch or kick. But these were few coming for Ryoga's defense was strong.

Finally, Ranma managed to kick the umbrella from Ryoga's grasp. It flew far away from him, near where Akane and some of the other spectators were sitting. Ryoga ignored this loss and kept fighting.

In the sidelines, Akane sat closely watching the fight. She showed no emotion, although inside she was still nervous for her reluctant fiancee. During Ukyo's part of the fight, Akane had been silently edging Ranma too take the fight seriously. For it was obvious (too her anyway) that Ranma had been holding back. Once Ukyo had the advantage, forcing Ranma to become serious, Akane began cheering him on. Has this been what I've been reduced to? She couldn't help thinking to herself, slightly bitterly. A cheerleader? She seethed silently to herself but soon found herself caught up into the fight between Ranma and Ryoga.

Her attention was broken, however when she noticed Ranma's friends, Hiroshi and Daisuke, trying to lift Ryoga's fallen umbrella.

"Geesh, this thing's heavy! How much do you think it weighs?" Hiroshi remarked as his friend struggled to lift it. It didn't budge at all from its place on the ground. Daisuke sat down, panting. "It must weigh a ton!" He answered.

Akane approached the two and tried her hand at lifting the umbrella. It WAS heavy. She could only lift it up partway. She remembered seeing Ryoga carrying this thing with one hand...

A shadow fell on her, and she looked up to see Ukyo standing above her. He must have sensed the thoughts going through her head. "Ryo-chan was always a strong boy." He remarked almost casually. smiling a little smile.

Fear pushing her on, Akane stood up and began shouting: "RANMA, WATCH OUT! He has the strength of a monster! DON'T LET HIM NEAR YOU!" She hoped he would listen to her for once.

The boys were grappling each other for control, (Why does that sound bad?) as Akane yelled her head off. At her remark, Ryoga grinned with a scary dark look on his face. "It's nice of her to notice," He remarked, almost casually. He threw a punch at Ranma who bent backwards with it, causing Ryoga to stumble forward, until Ranma was riding on top of Ryoga..(That one didn't sound good either..) Ranma had successfully pinned the other boy.

"So much for 'the strength of a monster'," Ranma smirked down at the trapped martial artist.

Ryoga glared at him. "Shut up, Ranmmaa! I won't let you defeat me!" With that he pushed himself up with one arm, until he had his whole weight...and Ranma's supported with that one arm. The crowed 'oohed' and ahhed' louder, amazed at this new martial artist's strength. They were even more amazed when Ryoga threw himself and Ranma in the air with the same arm. Once airborne, the boys twisted around. Ryoga swung at him with his powerful legs but missed. Ranma's kick, however, didn't, and Ryoga was thrown across the schoolyard. As he fell, he shouted: "Ukyo! Tag!"

Ranma received a kick to the gut as Ukyo Kuanji once again entered the fight.

Ranma was starting to get tired of this, but he still turned to take on Ukyo. Ukyo struck at him swiftly with his giant spatula. Ranma avoided each swing, ducking and dodging away from the sharp piece of metal. He tried to get near him to play offensive, but Ukyo's defense was too strong, making it hard to even touch him. I have to get rid of that thing. He thought flipping backwards away from another spatula jab.

Thinking about this distracted him long enough for Ukyo to get a clean hit in. He successfully managed to whack Ranma on the head with the flat of the spatula. Ranma stumbled backwards, clutching his aching head. This made him mad. He lunged forward and grabbed the spatula and pulled it away from him. Ukyo watched in horror, as Ranma bent his spatula out of shape, and threw the useless thing away. He then turned to Ukyo ready to continue the fight.

Ranma wasn't surprised when Ukyo backed away from him with a fearful look in his eyes. He figured that Ukyo would be helpless without his weapon of choice and be no longer able to fight. Grimly, he turned away from the okonomiyaki chef in preparation for the attack he was sure Ryoga was going to give him.

Unfortunately, he turned away too fast to see the sly smile run across Ukyo's face. He also didn't see Ukyo kick at him until the front kick hit him in the back knocking him forward. He rolled forward with the kick, quickly returning to his feet. He turned and met Ukyo as the boy flew at him with kicks and punches almost as fast as Ranma, himself, could throw them.

From the sidelines, Akane was silently ranting at him. Stupid baka! He should know better than to turn his back away from an opponent! However, she watched in silence as the two fought. Ukyo appeared to be as fast as Ranma but not as strong. Still, Akane was impressed with the okonomiyaki chef's speed. "He's so fast." she whispered.

Ryoga, who had been standing silently to the side, turned to her. "Ucchan's also a fast learner. I taught him everything I know."

Akane froze at that statement. She was suddenly worried for Ranma all over again. She wished there was something that she could do to help him. She couldn't personally get involved in the fight, so that was out. But in truth Ranma was handling his own pretty well, it was only when Ryoga and Ukyo switched places that they got their best hits in. But if there was some way, she could warn him before they switched.  
She began to study Ryoga, looking for some clue or sign that he would attack. She noticed that throughout the fight he always kept his eyes fixed on Ukyo. It was as if he, too, was looking for a sign but from his partner.

Akane didn't actually see the sign Ukyo gave him, but she did notice it when he began gripping his umbrella and prepared to charge. She was positive that Ryoga was now gonna enter the fight.

Her cry overlapped Ukyo's. "RANMA! WATCH OUT FOR RYOGA!" But the tag was made. Ryoga was now Ranma's opponent, and this time Ranma was ready for him.

Ranma tried not to reveal how tired he felt as he and Ryoga traded blows. All of this opponent switching and constant fighting was taking a toll on him. Unfortunately no matter how much he tried to hide it, it was pretty obvious he was slowing down. It wasn't long before Ryoga got a good hit in. A hit with his umbrella across Ranma's chest which ripped open his shirt. Ranma glanced down in horror then back up at Ryoga. "That was my favorite shirt!"

Ryoga grinned at him, mockingly. "Ah, quit acting like a girl, Ranma."

If calling Akane a 'tomboy' is bad, it's nothing compared to what happens if Ranma's man-hood was questioned. In other words he saw red. And for the first time during the whole fight, he was mad. Okay, except for those other times, I said he was mad... "You take that back, Ryoga!" He shouted, slamming a roundhouse kick into the boys chest. This blow knocked Ryoga back onto the ground. From there he looked up in horror to see Ranma dive onto him from above in preparation for another kick. Ryoga knew when retreating would be a good idea. But there was no way in hell, he'd let Ukyo take Ranma on in that state. Best to just get away.

With that, Ryoga leaped over a giant wall of the schoolyard with Ranma right after him.

Akane watched in fascination as the fighters left. Around her the crowd began to pack up, too. Some planned on catching up with the martial artists to see the ending of the fight. Others decided to call it a day and go home.  
Behind her, Akane watched Ukyo race to the wall and leap over it, too.

No one was watching, so Akane did the same. Well, somebody had to take care of the baka of a fiancee.

Ukyo managed to catch up with the pair first. They had ended up just outside the schoolyard near the water fountain. A bad place to be, considering Ryoga's uh, problem.

He found the two switching blows, Ranma just starting to cool off but not completely. He leaped into the air to dive kick Ryoga, but Ryoga saw it coming and dodged away. Ranma ended up kicking the fountain instead. Completely smashed, the fountain erupted, spraying water all over the place. With dread, Ukyo began searching through the mess for Ryoga and soon saw him as he ran out, his umbrella completely blocking the water.

"Close call, eh, Ryo-chan," Ukyo remarked to his friend, casually.

Ryoga only scowled at the water with hate in his eyes. "Too close."

"Uh, where did Ranma go?"

As if in answer a figure leaped out of the fountain of water and kicked Ryoga in the head. Ryoga staggered backwards from the blow, staring at his attacker in shock. It was Ranma... but not Ranma.

"Uh, Ra- Ranma?" Ryoga stuttered clearly shocked, "You're a"  
The redhead pigtailed girl wearing Ranma's clothing looked up at them in confusion. Well, until she looked down at her chest which was playing peek-a-boo through the tear in her shirt. Ranma at least had the decency to blush, as she covered her massive cleavage with her arms..

"Uh, Ranma, when did you become a girl?" Ukyo asked tactfully.

Ranma sighed preparing to explain. But Tatewaki Kuno then chose that moment to appear out of no where to glomp her. "Pigtail girl! I love you!" He crooned, just as Ranma booted him to kingdom come. She then turned to face her old friends/new enemies. "Go ahead and laugh at me. I don't know why you guys hate me so much. But my life's already ruined as it is cause I'm cursed with this stupid body."

Her enemies stared at her in shock, before each battle aura flickered on.

Ukyo found his voice first. "You call THAT a curse?" He questioned him darkly. He began pulling mini spatulas off from his bandoleer.

"You don't even know the meaning of the word 'cursed'," Ryoga added, growling. He began taking off his bandanna, but it never left his head.

Laughing nervously, Ranma backed away from the two. This was not how he had expected them to react. They were supposed to feel sorry for him and stop trying to attack him... not attack him more!

Each with their own choice of weapon in hand, began throwing hundreds upon hundreds of spatulas and bandannas at the pigtailed martial artist, until the sky was filled with them. Ranma eeped in shock, then began dancing to try to avoid them.

Thwunk! A spatula impaled itself on a tree behind him.

Bzweee! A bandanna cut its way through the wall!

And more Thwunk!s and Bzweee!s followed. Ranma was doing a good job of dodging them, but he can't out maneuver them forever can he?

"OOOOOWWWWWWW!" I guess not, as one of the spatulas found its way into Ranma's shoulder. He clutched his shoulder in pain, but the projectiles kept coming.

"An opening!" Ryoga cried, throwing his umbrella like a javelin to finish his hated rival off. Ranma so tired and in so much pain didn't even see it coming...

as it came closer...

And Closer...

AND CLOSER

Ranma turned to see in horror as... Akane jumped down from the wall and kicked the umbrella away, saving him from becoming Ranma on a stick. Ranma glared at his savior. "Akane! This is supposed to be a fight among men! Butt out!"

Akane swirled on him. "What are you talking about? I just saved your life, you ungrateful jerk!"

Ranma glared at her. "I could have taken care of myself! I don't need no help from violent tomboys like you!"

Akane slapped him.

Then the yard was filled with the late spectators. All of them talking at the same time. "Did ya hear that?" "Akane saved RANMA!" "I don't believe it!" "It's true!""...

Nobody noticed as Ryoga and Ukyo slowly walked away. They did turn back one last time to see Ranma trying to heal his bruised ego, as Akane happily told everyone what happened. But it was clear the fight was over... for now.

Next time: Has Ranma seen the last of Ukyo and Ryoga?  
Will his ego ever heal?

Find out in Spatulas and Bandannas Chapter Four!  
After I finish writing it.

All Characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi! 


	5. Late Night Visitors

A/N: Ah, good, I was saying A/N as in Authors notes, instead of N/A...

Anyway, welcome to another lovely comment by the author, i.e. me. )  
Don't have much to say about this chapter except that some of your questians will be answered concerning Ukyo. Enjoy. :)

P.S. Thanks to Cylon One for pointing out that this chapter got messed up when it was originally posted. Hopefully if I repost it, the problem will go away. :Crosses Fingers:

Spatulas and Bandannas by Shikoku

Chapter Four: Late Night Visitors or Don't these people have anything better to do!

"I still can't believe you did that!" Ranma was still complaining as he and Akane were walking home after school. He was balancing on the fence clutching the makeshift bandage on his slightly bleeding shoulder, where the spatula had hit him.

Akane was walking on the ground not looking at him, obviously tired of this whole conversation. "Fine, next time I won't save your life. I don't care."

Ranma eyed her, warily, as a breeze blew her long dark hair around her. He jumped down in front of her. "Good, You could have gotten yourself killed pulling off that stunt!"

Akane's brown eyes widened. "Ranma..." She said, clearly touched. "You were worried about me?" Her eyes shone with hope, and a small smile played across her face.

Ranma couldn't help losing himself in her eyes, and his mind went on immediate shut down. She's so cute when she smiles... "Of course I was worried. There's no way you could hold your own against Ukyo let alone Ryoga! Not with your skills you can't"

Akane immediately flared up at this slander to her martial art skills. "So I'm weak, is that it?"

Ranma not knowing any better answered truthfully. "Well, yeah, compared to me or Ryoga, or" But an elbow to his stomach prevented him from continuing.

"I can take care of myself!" Akane shouted at the groaning Ranma. She then grabbed his pigtail and began dragging him down the street.

"Hey, whatcha think you're doing!" He cried, struggling to keep up with her fast pace.

She turned back to him, and her face softened a bit. "We're going to see Dr. Tofu. He needs to take a look at your shoulder." She turned back, hiding a small grin. Too bad Kasumi will be there too, returning a book. Ah, revenge is sweet.

That night it was raining cats and dogs. It was the kind of night best used sitting in front of a fire with a nice cup of hot chocolate and a new romance novel. At least that's what Ukyo thought.

But what was he doing instead?

Standing outside in the rain with an umbrella hoping he wouldn't catch cold all because Ryoga couldn't wait until tomorrow to finish the fight with Ranma.

Oh, Ukyo had tried to reason with the stubborn jackass:  
"Come on Ryoga, help me finish setting up the restaurant instead. Ranma can wait" "Isn't breaking and entering against the law?", "Why can't you wait until the morning?" and other reasonable excuses didn't faze him. So Ukyo had finally given up and grabbed his battle spatula (the spare). Besides Ryoga looked so cute when he had that puppy dog "please can we go?" look in his eyes Ukyo couldn't resist. Besides he wanted to finish off Ranma once and for all, too.

Still standing in the wet rain made Ukyo wish he didn't relent so easily. He sighed. "Well, this is it, the Tendo dojo. This' where Ranma and his poor excuse of a father are staying."

Ryoga nodded. "Let's do it."

The two would-be attackers didn't focus too much on being quiet, as they walked through the Tendo home which was filled with sleep. They didn't have to. They could hear Ranma and Genma's snoring the minute they entered the dojo. Needless to say, Ryoga didn't need too much help from Ukyo to keep from getting lost.

Soon the two found themselves in the guest room where Ranma and Genma were staying. The walls vibrated with their snores.

Ukyo covered her ears trying unsuccessfully to block out the noise. "Geesh, we could have brought in a heavy medal band and these people wouldn't notice."

Ryoga nodded before kneeling in front of Ranma's head. "Hey, Ranma, it's me, Ryoga," He whispered. "Let's fight."

But Ranma remained asleep.

"Try, again, but louder, sugar," Ukyo suggested.

Ryoga nodded, then turned back to the sleeping martial artist. "Hey, Ranma, wake up." He said in a voice which should have been loud enough to wake up even Soun who's room was on the other side of the dojo.

But Ranma still wouldn't wake up.

Ryoga sighed, clearly frustrated.

"Say it like you're lost," Ukyo suggested.

"Are you sure?" Ryoga asked, doubt clear on his face. He didn't think that would be a good idea. He was usually real loud when he was lost.

Ukyo nodded, before covering his ears. Well they were already covered because of the snoring, but he added some pillows to help block out the noise he was now expecting.

Ryoga took a deep breath, then: "WAKE UP, STUPID!"

Ranma even managed to sleep through that although he did roll over.

Genma didn't, though. With a sign that said: "Shut Up!", he knocked all three of them, Ryoga, Ukyo, and Ranma into the poring rain outside.

Ryoga and Ukyo landed easily. Ryoga even made sure to whip out his umbrella before he got wet. But Ranma wasn't as lucky. With a splash, he landed in the koi pond.

That at least woke her up.

She spitted out water and glanced up at her attackers. "Ryoga, Ukyo, what are you guys doing here?" She asked.

"We're here to finish our fight." Ryoga shouted.

"So fight!" Ukyo added.

And the three began fighting in the mud.

It was here that Akane finally woke up. (She had discovered long ago that the only way to get some sleep with Ranma and Genma in the house was to wear ear plugs. The fact that she was able to hear the fighting even with the earplugs on just shows how loud the fighters were being.)

She looked at her clock to see that it read 3:00 at night. She groaned. Why did they have to finish their fight, now? This is all Ranma's fault! That explanation made perfect sense to her. She thought everything was Ranma's fault.

Reluctantly, she climbed out of bed and began to walk downstairs to see what she could do to quiet things a bit. She hoped this involves hitting Ranma. She just wanted a good excuse.

Ranma although half asleep still managed to put up a good fight. It helped that Ukyo couldn't find a good footing in the mud and kept on slipping. The okonomiyaki chef was also further handicapped after one of Ryoga's stray bandannas sliced up the front of his shirt, and he used both of his hands to keep his shirt closed. However, Ryoga wasn't any better since he refused to let go of the umbrella. Still he managed to dodge each of Ranma's blow and strike back with a good kick, now and then. After one of his kicks completely destroyed one of Soun's ceramic statues did Ranma realize that maybe fighting wasn't the best way to solve things. "I don't get it! What did I do to you? This isn't about bread and a stolen cart anymore is it?"

"You got that one right, sugar," Ukyo answered, a serious look on his face.

pika pika Ranma blinked, confused at being called 'sugar' by a fellow guy, but he didn't dwell on it.

"After you ran out on our fight, I followed you... ALL THE WAY TO CHINA!"" Ryoga snarled.

Ranma put two and two together. "Oh, no, Ryoga, you didn't go to Jusenkyo, did you? You have a curse, too?"

Ryoga just growled in answer. "RANMA, YOU'RE DEAD!" He lunged at him, but never got the chance to back up his words. A weight flew out of nowhere and hit him in the head. It knocked him down, causing him to drop his umbrella. The rain finally hit him, but Ryoga didn't stick around to let Ranma see him change. Instead, covering his head with his arms, he jumped over the house and disappeared.

Ukyo stared at her friend in shock. "Ryoga, wait!" He followed Ryoga over the house, but lost track of him.

Ranma followed Ukyo and lost track of both of them.

From her place by the back door, Kasumi covered her mouth in semi shock. "Oh, my, it was just Ranma's friends. Not a burglar after all, Akane."

Akane shrugged. "At least they're quiet now. Goodnight, Kasumi." She turned to go back to her room.

Ryoga was lost again. This wasn't a surprising fact for him, for he was always lost. He hated that.

But Ryoga was also wet. This wasn't a surprising fact for him, since ever since the fateful trip to Jusenkyo he almost always got splashed by cold water at a bad time. He hated that, too.

What Ryoga really, really hated was when he was both lost and in his curse form at the same time. Particularly, when he was in the restaurant district.  
Ryoga sighed as he made his way out of the dark cave he was in. How did he get all the way to the Mammoth caves so fast? The last time he wound up there it took him three weeks to get out. He sighed. Curse you, Ranma. This is all your fault Hmm, Ryoga must think like Akane..

Suddenly, the ceiling lowered a little and stayed that way. Ryoga blinked up at it, as it stayed lowered. He decided to venture forward, but all of the exits were covered. But after an experimental nudging, he discovered that the walls weren't solid. Hesitantly, he poked his way through and entered a brightly lit room. So it was a bed that he had been under.

"Where did you come from?" A girl's voice asked from above him.

Ryoga looked up in surprise just as Akane bent down to pick him up. Ryoga recognized the girl that had been with Ranma. That meant he was still in Nerima. He struggled to escape for a second, but the way she petted him was so nice... No! I can't think like that have to get back to-

"You have a bump!" Akane continued, examining his head. "Well, we'll fix you up and make you all better. How's that sound." With that she carried him out of her room and further into the house.

Well, at least this way, I won't get lost before finding Ranma again Ryoga sighed in frustration. This is all Ranma's fault!

Sure enough, Akane took him right to Ranma. There he was, his sworn enemy, a dripping wet girl talking to a wet dog. How much you want to bet, he thinks that dog's me. Ryoga snickered. Oh, if only I were that lucky!

Ranma looked up as Akane entered. "Hey, where'd you get that weird looking pig?"

Ryoga scowled. Weird looking!

"I found him in my room," Akane replied. "Hey, what're you doing with that dog?"

"Uh, nothing!" Ranma hastily replied, looking guilty.

"Isn't that the Mcpherson's dog?" Akane added, looking thoughtful.

"What?"" Ranma quickly stood up and grabbed a kettle. Turning Akane's head away from the dog, she poured the hot water onto the dog. All she got was a... wet dog.

Told you Ryoga sighed, shaking his head.

Ranma stared at the dog, confused. "Oh, well," she shrugged, then stood up to leave.

Akane glanced up at her, clearly confused. "Where are you going?"

"To take a hot bath, I'm probably gonna catch a cold from running around in the rain.'

Speaking of people that have been running around in the rain, Ryoga took that moment to sneeze. Akane looked down at him concerned. "Ranma, wait. Can you take him with you?"

"What! You want me to take a bath with a pig?"

Ironically Ryoga was thinking the same thing.

Akane pushed the pig into Ranma's arms. "Take him."

Ranma did, took him all the way to the bathroom, complaining the whole way. She kept right on complaining as she stripped off her clothes. She was just finishing as she absentmindedly threw the pig into the hot tub.

"Stupid Ryoga, I wonder where he went anyway.." She muttered as she was about to step into the tub. Then a thought struck her. Why hasn't the pig surfaced yet? Scared that it had drowned she peered over the edge of the tub, half expecting to see a dead pig.

What she hadn't been expecting was a wet, naked Ryoga, who quickly resurfaced having finally run out of air.

"GASP!" Ryoga gasped, as he welcomed the air back into his lungs.

"AAAAAUUUUHHHHH!" Ranma AAAAAAUUUUUUUHHHHHed, as she backed away from the tub.

Both stared at each other, completely buck naked and catching their breath. Ranma was the first to finally speak.

"Ry Ry Ryoga..you're the pig?"

Like it wasn't obvious.

Ryoga glared at him. "And you're dead!" He shouted lunging at him.

Akane was just beginning to wonder what was taking Ranma so long to wash her new pet, when the two of them, the pig and Ranma, burst out of the bathroom. The pig ran for its life as a half naked Ranma-chan chased after it throwing bath supplies at it. "Come back here you little creep!"

The pig turned and tried to make a stand, but Ranma easily bashed the pig away after it lunged at her. Akane was horrified. "Ranma! How can you treat a poor pig like that! She grabbed the pigtailed girl in a uh... unpleasant place, effectively stopping her attack. That done, she turned her attention to the poor pig who was crying tears of bitterness (at least that's what he would say if you asked him). "Ah, you poor baby. Was that mean ol' Ranma being nasty to you?" She picked Ryoga up and began to leave.

Ranma saw them leaving and freaked out. "Hey, where do you think you're going!"

"WE'RE going to bed." Was Akane's fun filled answer.

WE'RE? Ryoga thought. I CAN'T DO THAT! UCCHAN'll KILL ME! He struggled out of Akane's arms and began running around the halls like his head had been cut off, bweeing, as he frantically looked for an exit.

Ranma and Akane stared at his performance with shock. "What's the matter with him?" Akane tentively asked.

Ranma merely shook his head.

"P-chan! Over here, baby!" A new voice joined them. Ranma and Akane turned to see this strange girl step into the hall. She was completely soaked, her wet dark brown hair was plastered to her face. She also had a huge tear in her shirt which showed a little more than what was considered modest. She ignored their stares and bent down, catching the frantic pig in her arms. Finally, she stood up and stared at them, waiting for a reaction.

Ranma could swear he had seen this girl before. Wait, wasn't Ukyo wearing those clothes.. He stared at her closer, and put two and two together. "Ukyo? Is that you?"

Ukyo scowled at him. "Of course it's me, you Jackass."

"You've been to Jusenkyo, too?" Sorry, Ranma you can't be right all the time...

Ukyo facefaulted, but quickly recovered and pulling a spatula out of Hammer(Spatula?)space walloped him with it. "Of course not, you idiot! I've always been a girl!"

Akane gasped. Everything made sense to her now. "So you're after Ranma because.."

Because he is my fiancee." Ukyo finished for her. "But he and his poor excuse of a father had taken the oko nomiyaki cart that was my dowry and left me behind!"

"That's not true!" Genma appeared out of nowhere. "He gave it to me, for taking Ukyo off of his hands."

"SAOTOME! HOW COULD YOU?" Soun had also appeared out of nowhere about the same time. He was now in the process of scaring people. "Ranma's engaged to MY Akane!"

"There's NO way, I'm gonna marry that, jerk!" Both Akane AND Ukyo yelled at the same time.

"BWWWEEEEE!" P-chan agreed, nodding from Ukyo's arms.

"Oh, my," Kasumi said as she entered the room.

Nabiki came in right after her. "Can't we keep it down in here?" she asked, grumpily.

Ranma? He didn't say anything. His brain had shut down the moment he found out he had another fiancee.

So ends another typical day in our favorite Nerimian dojo...

Next time: What will Ranma do with his two fiancees? How will Kuno get involved in all of this?  
Find out in Spatulas and Bandannas chapter five Next time!

All characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi! 


	6. The Mysterious New Girl

A/N: I love Kuno. :)

Spatulas and Bandannas by Shikoku

Chapter Five: The Mysterious New Girl...

"I can't believe I have ANOTHER fiancee.." Ranma moaned to himself. It was later that night, after Ukyo and Ryoga had finally left. Ranma had woken up from his shocked state and was now really thinking about his predicament. "I'm engaged to two girls at the same time!" He turned and glared at Genma, who was wrapped in bandages. "AND IT's ALL YOUR FAULT!"

Genma scowled at his angry son. "Quit whining about it and take it like a man, Ranma. You sound like a girl!" He wasn't in the best of moods right now, what with having everyone beating him up and being mad at him and all... Was it his fault that he had been hungry and Kuanji-san had been gullible? Life just wasn't fair..

WHAP! Ranma's math book (A five inch thick book, that weighed ten pounds) flew across the room from where Ranma had been sitting and hit him in the face, effectively shutting him up. "Shut up! I wouldn't even be in this mess if it weren't for you!"

Genma fell backwards and went to la la land.

"Stupid jerk..." Ranma muttered under his breath. Now he had a choice to make. Should he marry the uncute tomboy or the crossdressing tomboy? Both hated his guts, but only Ukyo really wanted to kill him... Ranma sighed. He wished he could just choose option C: marry nobody. But he knew he couldn't be that lucky.

Meanwhile a mysterious package was waiting for Ukyo when he... wait it's she now got home to the restaurant. She bent down and picked it up, examining the return address. A wide smile broke out on her face. "They finally came, P-chan," She exclaimed. "Ooh, I can't wait for tomorrow. It's been so long!" Joyfully, she bounced around a bit, before realizing that P-chan hadn't answered her.  
"P-chan?" She looked around her, but the pig was out of sight. She sighed. He must have gotten lost again.

In the middle of a flooded village on an island somewhere, a little black pig struggled to remain on one of the floating walls of a wrecked house. He sighed. Why me?

The next day at Furinkan High brought many turned heads for the boy population of the school. Just as the day before had brought rumors of new male students today people were talking about the new girl that had just stepped on to campus.

"Did you hear...?"

"She's a babe!"

"I heard she an exchange student from France or something?"

"Do you think shell go out with me?"

"In your dreams..."

Akane looked at Ranma as they walked through the whispering crowds. "Who do you think they're talking about?"

"Probably, someone way out of your league, Akane," Ranma said, without even looking at her or acting like he cared about a new girl being in his class. "You know one of those super model types..."

Akane started glowing a nasty blue color...

Fortunately for Nabiki, the screams didn't block out the sounds of yin being handed to her as she gave out information on the new girl. She of course, knew all about the mysterious girl already and was more than happy to share her information with her fellow students... for the right price, of course. A huge crowd of students, mostly boys with a curious girl or two thrown in surrounded her begging for information and an occasional picture but one mighty voice commanded them to move aside.

"Make way for the Blue Thunder!" Kuno bellowed as he shoved aside the boys who weren't moving fast enough for him.

Nabiki rolled her eyes. Oh, please... But she was happy to see him. Kuno was one of her most valuable suckers... I mean customers. That's it. "What can I do for you today, Kuno-  
baby? Want information about the new girl?"

"Ah, Nabiki Tendo, I care not for a mere girl. Why should I when goddesses have caught my eyes. Pray, do you have some new pictures of your lovely sister and the Pigtailed Girl?"

"But of course, " Nabiki answered pulling out a batch of pictures. "All these for the usual price, Kuno baby." She handed him the pictures, and Kuno gazed at them lovingly, placing his yin into her hands. She quickly counted up the money and nodded satisfied. "Oh, are you sure you don't want information on the new girl?"

"Nabiki Tendo, I only have love for two women in this world and..."

"Woah!" A boy nearby drowned out Kuno's noble declaration. "Check out that babe"

Kuno turned and his mouth dropped open.

If you were to tell her that she had caught every single eye at Furinkan High School, she wouldn't believe it. She would have probably blushed and been dreadfully embarrassed. But Ukyo Kuanji didn't know that she was cute. Didn't even think for a second that she could have so many admirers. She was just happy to finally be herself, again.

She was dressed in the same uniform every girl at this school wore, a turquoise jumper over a white blouse, but unlike the other girls she wore it like it was for the first time. The feel of skirts swishing between her legs caused an unknown joy to show in her sparkling green eyes. Her long rich brown hair was finally loosed from the tight pony tail she had always kept it in, only being held away from her face by one single white ribbon. She was a woman, and for the first time ever she was completely experiencing it.

When Ranma and Akane finally saw her, they didn't even recognize her... again. When they did, Ranma nearly fainted and Akane's mouth dropped open. "You're the exchange student from France?"

Ukyo stared at her confused. "Huh?"

Ranma was trying to find his voice...

"What's with the sudden change..." Akane asked, carefully.

Ukyo smiled. "My school uniform finally arrived." She twirled around, joyfully feeling the skirts twirl around her body.

Ranma finally found it. "I thought you liked dressing like a boy..."

Ukyo scowled at him. "I only gave up my femininity because of what you did to me..."

A crowd of boys suddenly became interested in their conversation.

"What did you do to her, Ranma?"

"You didn't do ...THAT to her did you?"

"Enemy of women!"

By this time, Ranma was blushing furiously. "I didn't do nothing to her"  
"Just leave me behind after our father's engaged us..." Ukyo grumbled.

"YOUR WHAT?" The crowd of boys shouted obviously disappointed.

"Ah, man, she belongs to Ranma!"

"Don't all girls do in this series...?"

"Yeah, but she promised she'd change that!"

"What do you need two fiancees for, Ranma?"

"Yeah, give Ukyo to me!"

"I want Akane..."

Ranma was even redder now. "Hey, it wasn't like I asked for this. This is our dumb parents idea!"

Ukyo nodded. "I agree."

Ranma looked at her, amazed, as did Akane. "You do?" They both asked at the same time. Ukyo looked at them, solemnly. "Ranma... I did love you once. There was a time I actually wanted to marry you, but I don't now. Too much has happened since I last saw you. I had given up my femininity and vowed never to love a man again."

The male population at Furinkan High gasped.

"But all of that has changed. A friend has helped me see that I don't need you as a husband or as an enemy to get on with my life. I'm starting over again, as a woman, but I'm not gonna marry you. I renounce any promises between my father and yours. We're not engaged anymore."

Genma popped in out of nowhere. "Did you hear that, Tendo?"

Soun also popped in crying tears of happiness. "The Anything-goes School has been saved!" The two old men began dancing around.

"Hey, but I still expect full payment back for that stolen okonomiyaki cart." Ukyo yelled at Genma, breaking his joyful spirit slightly.

"Did you hear that?" Hiroshi asked Daisuke.

"Ukyo's not engaged to Ranma anymore.." Daisuke answered Hiroshi.

"Which means..." Hiroshi began.

"That Ukyo's free to date one of us..." Daisuke finished.

"Hold," Kuno ordered appearing behind them. "The fair Ukyo Kuanji deserves only a man that is strong enough to defeat her..."

"Oh, no..." Hiroshi gasped.

"Not again..." Daisuke wailed.

"I, Tatewaki Kuno, often times called the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, declare that only he that can defeat Ukyo Kuanji in combat shall have the honor of dating with her."

"Ah, man... I thought we were over this!"

"My bones were just starting to heal from the LAST time he declared a girl only datable by combat..."

"Now where did I put those boxing gloves of mine...?"

As the boys departed for classes, Kuno still retained his noble figure of authority. "Ah, yes, fair maiden, only he that is strong enough to defeat you can have the honor of dating with thee. The Blue Thunder shall be that man!" Thunder cracked in the sky. As Kuno laughed mightily.

He then went to class after buying all of Ukyo's pictures from Nabiki.

Just like Nabiki knew he would.

Later that day Akane and Ukyo were walking home after school. Akane had talked to Ukyo during lunch, and the two found that they had a lot in common. Now it seemed like they had been friends forever. Akane had suggested that they walk home together. Now they were fully enjoying each others company as they gossiped about their shared teachers and playfully teased the other.

Walking silently behind them, Ranma followed on the fence. For some reason he looked annoyed at how well the girls were getting along... Or maybe it was because their conversation had moved on to him..

"Really? After all that you walked in on each other again?" Ukyo asked surprised, as she laughed at Akane's story about how she and Ranma had first met.

Akane nodded and rolled her eyes. "You'd think he'd learn to knock by then..."

Ukyo didn't answer. She was too busy laughing her head off.

Akane glanced at her new friend curiously, "Hey, Ucchan, how did you and Ryoga meet anyway?"

Curious about that too, Ranma hopped off the fence to hear Ukyo's story.

Ukyo blushed... "Well..."

Flashback: (Didn't see this coming, huh?)

The newly dubbed P-chan sat contented after eating all the okonomiyaki he could eat made by perhaps the greatest okonomiyaki chef in the world. Almost drowning had been the best thing that had ever happened to him. He had met Ukyo Kuanji. A great friend. He needed friends right now. Ukyo had been so kind to him, talked to him nicely, told stories about himself... P-chan just felt somehow connected to the young man. Like they were meant to be friends. P-chan had only known Ukyo for about a month, but he felt like he had known him all of his life. Being stuck in this body... Ugh, P-chan still loathed himself, but Ukyo had made him forget that he was a pig, made him forget completely about the curse... even forget about Ranma for awhile. Traveling with the young chef had been some of the happiest days of Ryoga's miserable life. The only problem was that Ukyo thought he was a pig.

How can P-chan tell him the truth? He had lied to him, made Ukyo think that he was something else. Deceived him... P-  
chan didn't want to lose his friend. At least not that way..

So he decided to leave.

That night as Ukyo slept under the stars, P-chan quietly crept out of his blanket and waddled over to the supplies. With great difficulty, P-chan got the tea kettle out of Ukyo's bag and set up water to boil. Well, he couldn't get anywhere in this body. Besides it would be easier to carry supplies this way.

Thoughts of Ukyo crossed his mind, as he stared at the boiling pot. He was really going to miss him. But it was better this way. He couldn't live as a pig, and Ukyo would never understand him. It was too bad. They could have been great friends.

The water finally ready. He nuzzled the kettle over, letting the warm liquid rinse away the hated body. He felt the dizziness and growth that always accompanied the change. He wondered if he would ever get used to this sensation. He hoped he wouldn't have to.

Finally back in his real body, Ryoga sighed in relief.

But a scream broke his peaceful mood.

He turned and gasped, seeing Ukyo had been watching him the whole time. "What...? Your the... " Shock crossed Ukyo's features, but it was slowly replaced by anger. "What the hell is going on?"

Ryoga turned pale and began to tell his tragic story...

"So let me get this straight," Ukyo began, as he poured cold water down Ryoga's back, turning the boy back into a pig. "So because of these weird Chinese springs you turn into a pig when you're splashed with cold water," He poured another kettle of hot water changing him back.

"Yes," Ryoga nodded, before she poured cold water onto him, again.

"And it was all because Ranma pushed you in? My Ranma. The Ranma that had left me?" He poured more hot water onto the pig.

"Yes, This is all Ranma's fault!" Ryoga shouted, truly enraged once again.

"Ah, you poor baby, you really had it rough, but you have to admit this is fun..." Ukyo grinned, as he once again splashed Ryoga with cold water.

For whom? P-chan squealed, slightly irritated. Ukyo splashed him again with hot water, and Ryoga was able to speak again. "Uh, so... do you hate me...?" He asked slightly, hesitantly.

Ukyo looked thoughtful, "No... I don't hate you, Ryoga. I know what it's like to feel you have to pretend to be something you're not. I've been through that, too."

Ryoga looked amazed. "You have?"

Ukyo sighed... "Oh, yeah... You see... I'm not really a boy..." He opened his shirt a little barely showing his hidden cleavage. "I'm a girl..."

Ryoga stared at hi- wait it's her now, dumfounded. He looked at her closer and saw her for what she was. Her slender frame, and soft curves, her soft hair, and sparkling green eyes. She had been so kind to me... "Uh, why would you hide a thing like this?"

"Because of Ranma," Ukyo's expression turned fierce as she once again thought of the one that had ruined her life. "When he abandoned me and stole my dowry he ruined me for marriage. I'm doomed to spend my life alone!"

Ryoga shook his head in amazement. "You'll never be alone, Ukyo... And any man would love to marry you... you're smart, kind, a great cook, funny, and..."He paused, but drew together all his courage. "You're really cute..." He finally whispered, blushing.

Ukyo stared at him in shock. "I'm not cute!"

"You are to me..."

Ukyo blushed harder. "Am not, am not, am not!" She retorted whapping him with each 'am not'.

Ryoga sighed. He'll never understand girls.

"So we decided that since the both of us wanted Ranma dead that it'd be easier to team up and do it together. We've been traveling together ever since." Ukyo finished her story.

Akane laughed, "I can't believe he actually pretended to be your pet for so long. I would have killed him if he did that to me."

'Ah, I would have, but he looked so cute..." Ukyo burst out laughing, soon joined in by Akane. Ranma just sighed and followed them into the dojo. He'd never understand girls...

Three lovely faces were displayed in Kuno's mind that night, as he stared up at the stars after a strenuous kendo work out. As usual was the fierce, yet cute picture of Akane Tendo. She was joined by the fiery, yet innocent picture of the mysterious Pigtailed girl. But another girl danced between his two loves. The sweet, beautiful picture of Furinkan High's newest beauty. "Ukyo Kuanji" He whispered her beautiful name. He must know more about this one...

"Sasuke!" He shouted to the faithful Kuno family ninja. Minutes passed, and Kuno grew more irritated. "Sasuke!" He tried again.

"Coming, Master Kuno," A small man dressed in black ran into the clearing from the Kuno Mansion. He knelt down before his master, respectfully. "Forgive me my lateness, master. I had been serving your sister."

Kuno sighed. "Just see that it doesn't happen again."

Sasuke bowed down lower. "Yes, Master."

"Sasuke, I want you to find out all you can about my new love, Ukyo Kuanji.."

"Yes, master," And Sasuke was off to do Kuno's bidding.

Kuno chuckled to himself, "Ah, sweet Ukyo Kuanji, soon you will be mine... along with Akane Tendo... and the Pigtailed Girl... Whomever shall I choose!"

Ah... Decisions decisions decisions... Poor Kuno. Kind of brings a tear to your eye, don't it?

Next time: Kuno tries to woo Ukyo, and Ukyo finds out that popularity ain't as great as she thought it would be..

All characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi! 


	7. Kuno Being Kuno

A/N: Well, I can add the word "ninja" to my list of words I couldn't spell back then. Speaking of ninja's Naruto must have taken over my mind, cause I'm picturing a different Sasuke than the one in Ranma 1/2 now.

I did really love how I handled Sasuke in this story, btw.

Also can see my first influence from Steel... :)

And I still love Kuno.:)

Spatulas and Bandannas by Shikoku

Chapter Six: Kuno Being Kuno

"And she plans on opening an okonomiyaki restaurant.."

Kuno nodded, pleased by the information his loyal servant Sasuke was giving him about the woman that he loved. How Sasuke managed to get all these tidbits about Ukyo Kuanji in one night didn't concern him at all.

"She seems to be living alone. There are two bedrooms in the apartment above her restaurant, but only one of them seems to be occupied.

Kuno gasped upon hearing this. "My beloved Ukyo Kuanji living alone? Oh, fear not thy love for I, Tatewaki Kuno, shall fill thine lonely evenings and cold nights!"

"And you'll do that very good, master," Sasuke added, sucking up as good as any lowly servant could do to his master.

"That's right, my dear Sasuke," Kuno nodded, showing how pleased he was with his ninja by patting him on the head. "Fear not, my beloved! The Blue Thunder shall keep you warm!"

"SASUKE!" A loud shrill female voice yelled from the mansion.

"Coming, mistress," Sasuke called before leaving Kuno's side.

Kuno didn't even realize he had left him, for he was too caught up in his own little world. The one where everybody bowed down and worshipped him, and lovely ladies fell at his feet. "Tomorrow! I shall claim you as my own on the morrow my love. Wait for me!" And then he laughed, scaring away all of the nearby birds and stray cats.

Ukyo sighed, as she closed her restaurant to prepare to walk to school. She was again dressed in a girl's school uniform, but she didn't have the joy that she had the day before. Where on earth are you, Ryoga? I miss you, ya Jackass.

"Hey, Ucchan," A voice called out to her.

Ukyo turned joyfully, but was disappointed to see that it was only Akane with Ranma right behind her. "Oh, hey, Kane'chan," She said, friendly, "Hello Ranma," and less so.

Akane didn't seem to notice her sad tone. "We stopped by to see if you wanted to walk to school with us."

Ukyo immediately brightened at that. "Sure."

"Where's pig-boy?" Ranma finally spoke up.

Ukyo sighed again. "Still lost, but he should be back sooner or later. He always does."

As the three neared Furinkan High, they spotted a familiar looking mob crowding around the front lawn. It was familiar to Ranma and Akane, anyway.

Ukyo covered her eyes with her hand to get a better look. "What's with all those guys?" She asked.

Sure enough, the crowd consisted of almost every male at Furinkan High. Half of them were decked out in their best gis and sports uniforms. Some were clutching some kind of weapon or sports equipment or the like. All of them were looking determined and serious about something.

"Not again," Akane sighed.

"I thought they told us that they weren't gonna do this anymore." Ranma complained.

Ukyo just gave them both a curious look. "What are you talking about? What's going on?"

Just then the crowd saw them coming. "There she is!" All at once they rushed towards them.

Akane sighed and tossed her backpack to Ranma. She rushed out to meet the boys, shouting "I hate boys!" her favorite battle cry (besides "Ranma no baka!" of course.) She was ready for the upcoming fight.  
So it was really funny when the mob passed her by, completely ignoring her. I mean really, you should have seen the look on her face. She was surprised to say the least, not sure whether to feel overjoyed or insulted.

But if Akane was surprised, it was nothing compared to Ukyo. That was probably because the mob was coming right at her, and she had no idea why. "Ukyo! I love you!" A glasses-wearing martial artist tried to round house kick her.

"Ukyo, You're really pretty," Another complimented her before swinging a baseball bat at her head.

"Will you go out with me?" Yet another asked, as he tried to punch her.

Ukyo, for her part ducked and dodged the boy's attacks still wearing a confused, 'what gives?' look. "What's going on? Why are you guys attacking me for!"

The boy stopped in mid punch. "You don't know?"

Ukyo shook her head.

The whole crowd then stopped their attacks as he explained.

"I have to date whoever beats me in combat?"

The boys nodded. "Yep, that's about it."

Ukyo was burning up with anger. "Okay, who's the Jackass that came up with this lame brained idea?" She shouted.

"Kuno."

"Kuno? Who's he? Which one of you is Kuno?" She growled.

The boys as one stepped back away from her. Boy were they glad that they weren't Kuno. One was brave enough to answer her. "He usually comes in last."

"Speaking of Kuno," Akane spoke up, glancing down at her watch. "He should be arriving right about... now."

The minute she said 'now', a red rose flew through the air towards Ukyo. She caught it and looked at it, curiously. She didn't notice the crowd groan, as they dug out cotton and began to plug their ears.

"Ah, fair maiden, forgive these weaklings. They do not deserve to even gaze upon one as beautiful as yourself." Ukyo looked up to see a tall, regal-looking older boy appear from the crowd. He was wearing a dress and waving a stick around... Oh, excuse me, he was dressed in the traditional uniform of a kendoist and was waving his powerful bokken around. And as an added bonus he spouted bad Shakespeare. "Forgive me. I shall introduce myself. I am the undefeated captain of this school's kendo team, the rising new star of the kendo realm." He paused, as if he was forgetting something. Quickly, he pulled out a crib note and started to read it, until he found what he was looking for. "Ah, yes..." Just as quickly, he put it away. "My voice strikes fear in the hearts of mine enemies. My peers call me the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High! Tatewaki Kuno, age 17." Thunder crashed in the background.

Ukyo only looked at him with a bored expression on her face. "Yeah, and what does this have to do with all these guys attacking me?"

"They try to defeat you, to prove themselves worthy of your love. Come will thou fight with me. If you win I will allow you to date with me, if you lose... eh, I'll still allow you to date with me."

"Oh, joy," Ukyo muttered, sarcastically. She sighed, and pulled out her battle spatula. "Fine, Mr. Baggy pants. Let's see what you got."

Kuno smiled, before quickly striking. "Strike! strike! strike!" He shouted with each thrust of his mighty bokken. But Ukyo matched him blow for blow. Each time wood met metal with a loud whack/clang.

Ukyo had the advantage of reach, while Kuno had speed, but they were closely matched. Kuno never fought that hard against girls, but he found that he had to with Ukyo Kuanji. She was no push over. Out of her blouse she pulled out several throwing spatulas and heaved them at him. He managed to dodge or deflect them with his bokken, but they were merely a distraction. She nailed him with the flat end of her spatula into his stomach. The air was knocked out of the kendoist, but he recovered quickly and pushed his attack.  
His strikes became faster, until the force of his attacks began to bruise and cut through the okonomiyaki chef. She gritted her teeth and ignored the pain. To counterattack, she lashed out with what he'd least expect. She ax kicked him in the chin, knocking him to the ground.

Kuno rubbed his throbbing jaw. "Well played, but that shall be your last hit." He rushed in at her once again, but Ukyo was ready.

Ryoga sighed, wondering where he was now. It seemed he had been gone forever, although in truth it had only been a day. Of course he had crossed so many time zones, it felt like he had been gone for a week. He wished he was back in Nerima. Ukyo was probably worried about him. He also hated being away from her for so long. Still, he thought only of her as he walked mile after mile, and she appeared in his dreams. He also bought her a truck load of cheap souvenirs.

Warily, he glanced around at his surroundings and noticed a crowd of people gathered watching something. Slightly curious and hoping to ask for directions he pushed his way through the crowd, until he saw what they were all gawking at. A boy dressed in traditional kendo attire was facing off against a pretty girl wearing a school dress... and fought using a spatula. Ryoga's eyes bugged out when he realized that the pretty girl was Ukyo. He had never seen her dress up in women's clothing before. The sight almost gave him a nose bleed. He covered his nose, just in case and stared transfixed on her every movement. Then something dawned on him. That boy was attacking his Ucchan.

Kuno was indeed fighting with more vigor now. Ukyo struggled to block each of his blows and sneaked in an offensive move in between. Still, she wasn't worried about losing this fight. She still had a card or two up her sleeve. Unfortunately, she wasn't gonna be able to use them.

"PREPARE TO DIE!" A voice shouted from above. Both Kuno and Ukyo looked up to see Ryoga plunge at Kuno with his umbrella drawn and a kick aimed for Kuno's head.

"And who tries to interrupt a noble fight between the Blue Thunder and his love?" Kuno asked, not moving, being too arrogant (or stupid as the case may be) to get out of the newcomer's way.

Ryoga's kick landed cleanly on Kuno's big head, knocking the irate upperclassman clean into the ground and a little below. The school now had a nice Kuno-shaped hole in its front yard.

Of course, Kuno, abused as he is, managed to survive such an attack, and even remained conscious. He was mad, though. He stood up and glared at Ryoga with righteous hatred. "Insolent one! You dare to attack the personage that is I? I shall gladly smite thee for this!"

"Of course, I attacked you, you idiot! You were trying to hurt Ukyo!" Ryoga shouted back, his fangs bared for all the world to see, which caused some of the other Ukyo- would- be- attackers to look apprehensive, and the girls to sigh blissfully.

"And what is your relationship with the fair Ukyo Kuanji? You're not some vile sorcerer that has enslaved my love so that you can imprison her in unholy bondage like Saotome are you?"

"Ryoga looked confused. "Uh,..no? I'm-"

"Wait, is it not the custom to give one's own name first? Fine, mine I shall give... I-"

The school yard all groaned as one, and pulled out their cotton again. Ranma just shook his head feeling a bit sorry for Ryoga knowing full well what was gonna happen next. Akane wore a similar expression towards Ukyo, although she was still mad about being replaced by the school boys so quickly for a reason she still wasn't able to figure out why.

Wearing a bewildered expression on his face, Ryoga just watched and listened to Kuno give a ten minute speech about his name. He glanced over at Ukyo. "Is this guy for real?"

Ukyo sighed. "I'm afraid so, sugar."

With another crash of thunder in the sky, Kuno finally finished his monologue, dramatically. Too bad nobody had been paying attention.

Ryoga figured he might as well give his name. "I'm Ryoga Hibiki. I'm staying with Ukyo..."

"What? Living under the same roof with Ukyo!"

Ryoga had enough of this. "Enough talking! Let's fight!" Actions speak louder than words anyway, right?

"Gladly will I smite thee, vile one." Kuno laughed long and hard for his upcoming victory...

Kuno groaned long and hard as he hit the dust after Ryoga completely throttled him. Hey, Ryoga had just matched skills with Ranma Saotome. If Ranma could defeat Kuno, it would seem likely that Ryoga would as well. Besides he already did, so there.

Ryoga glared at the other boys gathered around. "If any of you should try to hurt Ukyo. You will answer to me, got it?"

The boys all discretely inched away. They were disappointed that their chances with Ukyo were gone, but none of them wanted to risk dying. Why is it all the cute ones were taken by strong blood-thirsty martial artists, anyway? Some guys had all the luck.

Soon the mob left, and even Kuno was dragged away by Nabiki to the nurse's office. (After she had collected her winnings, of course. She had made a killing, as no one was able to predict that it would be Ryoga that would win the fight.) This left Ranma, Ryoga, Akane, and Ukyo to do the clean up. (Not that there was much to clean up, though. As Nerimian fights go this one had been fairly tame. No property damage at all. How boring can you get?)

Ranma patted Ryoga on the back. "Great fight, man. Ya really showed Kuno who's boss."

Ryoga only eyed Ranma warily, but replied not too friendly but less hostile than usual towards his rival. "Uh, thanks..."

Ukyo sighed, then walloped Ryoga with her mega spatula. Twice. Ryoga was thrown down onto the ground with a giant red spatula marking on his face.

He quickly recovered. "What did you do that for!"

"The first was for getting lost." She grinned. "The second was for interrupting my fight with Kuno. I can take care of myself, ya jackass!"

"Why does this sound so familiar?' Ranma muttered to himself.

Unfortunately, Akane heard him. "What was THAT supposed to mean?" She looked at him, dangerously.

Over the sounds of Ranma putting his foot in his mouth, again, and Akane making him pay for it, Ukyo quickly hugged Ryoga.

Now he was really confused. "What was THAT for?"

She smiled up at him with her sparkling green eyes, which caused Ryoga to cover his nose, just in case, again. "For coming back... I really missed you, Ryo-chan."

"I missed you too, Ucchan.."

The bell picked that moment to ring, announcing the small group's lateness. The four of them ended up standing in the halls holding buckets of water, again.

Once again, Kuno stood in his splendor, though somewhat marred by the mummy like bandages wrapped around him, in his yard. Although this time, his thoughts were on darker images. "So, Saotome. It appears that another evil sorcerer has joined thee in tormenting my loves. But I, Tatewaki Kuno, am up for this challenge. Though two evil sorcerers I face. I shall remain triumphant. Fear not, my beloved Goddesses, your loving knight of all things good shall smite the foul sorcerers. Both of them!"

But first, he needed some more information. "Sasuke!" He called. Again, his loyal servant was late in coming. "Sasuke! I need your services!" He shouted louder this time.

Finally, Sasuke appeared from the direction of the mansion. "Yes, master Kuno." He again took his place kneeling at his master's feet.

"Sasuke..." Kuno began before, a familiar scent caught his nostrils. "is that my twisted sister's perfume I smell?" He asked.

Sasuke looked at him, blankly. "Why, I don't smell anything, master."

"No, mine nose dost not lie. That is Kodachi's perfume I smell." He smelled the air again and found it was strongest near Sasuke. "It is coming from you, Sasuke."

Sasuke sniffed himself. "Why so it is, master."

"Why do you smell like my sister?"

Sasuke laughed. "Oh, silly me. This is how I always smelled."

Kuno looked at him blankly. "You've always smelled like my sister?"

"Why yes, master Kuno. I often buy this scent. It must be a coincidence that it is the same as my mistress'."

Kuno nodded, still looking slightly unsure. Now why did he call Sasuke here...? Oh, yes. "Sasuke, find out all you can about one, Ryoga Hibiki. I wish to smite him."

"Yes, master," and once again the faithful ninja took off to do his master's bidding.

Kuno decided to practice his evil laughing. This time besides the usual cats and birds, he also managed to scare a couple of neighborhood dogs...

Next time: Will Kuno get his revenge?  
Will Ryoga care when he has another enemy to worry about?  
Find out in the next chapter of Spatulas and Bandannas...as soon as I write it. G

Oh, and I used the term "Mr. Baggy pants." in honor of my friend Steel, who knows how best to describe the Blue Thunder. I'm still laughing about that one.

All characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi! 


	8. Nihao! I Here!

A/N: It's funny seeing how much trouble I had deciding which pronouns to use concerning Ranma and Ukyo back then. I know I went with the male pronouns for Ukyo at first, since she was stillpretending to be a boy, but in the flashback in this chapter, I use female pronounsfor her, despite her stillbeing in disguise.I had thought there had been method to my madness, but I guess I forgot or dropped the idea in this chapter..

Ranma I had to go back and actually correct the pronouns since I was still using the male ones while she was in her female form. Oye...

Sometimes I think it'd be easier to live in Japan where pronouns aren't really used at all...

Spatulas and Bandannas by Shikoku

Chapter Seven: Nihao! I Here!

"Spend some quality time together,' They said. "We just need some male bonding, and we'll be the best of friends in no time. They wish... Ryoga sighed as he leaned against a wall at Nerima's ice cream palace, waiting for Ranma to order. The two of them had been talked into spending a day together by Ukyo and Akane, who had wanted them to be more friendly towards each other... Actually, if you wanted to get technical, Ukyo had talked Ryoga into it, while Akane beat Ranma with a mallet until he finally agreed. So here Ryoga was with Ranma doing 'male bonding', if you could still call it that, seeing how Ranma was in his girl form.

"Now explain to me again why you're in your cursed form?" Ryoga asked, when Ranma finally came back with their ice cream.

"Because as a girl, I can have all the good stuff that I can't order as a guy." Ranma explained, as she dragged the directionally challenged boy to a table in the back.

Ryoga glanced at the pigtailed girl's ice-cream, and sure enough it was a little to girlie for a typical guy to order. I mean 'Tuitie Fruitie Kiwi Banana'? Who on earth names these things?

Ranma dug into his small mountain of multi colored ice-cream with a gusto not usually considered proper female behavior, while Ryoga licked at his simple vanilla cone. They did make an interesting pairing, a lot of nearby people glanced their way thinking they were on a date. Ryoga was glad he couldn't read their minds. He was afraid of what he may find in them.

"Ooh, look at the cute couple" a voice said cheerfully. Both Ryoga and Ranma looked up with murder in their eyes, which lessened so after seeing it had only been Ukyo.

Ukyo grinned mischievously, as she stood before their table. She was dressed for shopping in an oversized blue long-  
sleeved T-shirt over black stretch pants with a black leather belt around her waist. She had on an obviously new pair of black ankle boots, and her hair was pulled back in a high ponytail. She was also surrounded by several other shopping bags stuffed with clothes. Akane was right behind her, dressed in one of her simple jumpers. Unlike her friend, she only had one bag.

Ukyo twirled around, showing her new outfit. "Well, what do you think? Is it me?" She asked Ryoga, teasingly.

Once Ryoga remembered to speak again, he replied: "Wow... You look great, Ucchan." Ukyo beamed with pleasure.

"Geesh, you have enough bags?" Ranma asked, as usual without really thinking.

"Ranma!" Both Ryoga and Akane glared at him.

But Ukyo only laughed. "Yeah, I almost did buy out the store. But I really needed a whole new wardrobe. All of my other clothes were too... too..."

"Manly?" Ranma suggested.

"Yes, manly," Ukyo agreed, in a way that said it was his fault, but of course Ranma didn't notice her subtly.

"So what'cha guys doing?" Akane asked, changing the subject.

Ranma showed his half eaten ice-cream. "Eating."

"Like a pig," Ryoga finished for him. "Don't you ever swallow?"

"You're the pig, Porkchop." Ranma taunted back.

"Care to join us?" Ryoga asked the girls, ignoring Ranma, not asking them if they wanted to join in the argument. They probably would eventually, anyway...

Pretty soon all three of them were sitting around the table eating ice-cream. (Ranma was working on his second. Peanut Buddy Fudgerrific Delight this time)

"So how's business?" Akane asked Ukyo. Ukyo had finally opened Ucchan's about a week earlier. It was now the hottest place to hang out for highschool students during the afternoons and a nice family restaurant during the evenings.

Ukyo grinned. She loved talking about her restaurant and cooking in general. "It's great. Business had been really good so far. I just have trouble keeping all the girl's away from my waiter." She grinned at Ryoga, who was now blushing. Was it his fault a lot of his tips were also girl's phone numbers?

"Actually, I think the business is good because of the cute chef." He replied, blushing redder.

Ukyo gave him another of her dazzling smiles. While Ranma tried not to throw up from all the mushy feelings in the air.

To save his own appetite, he decided to change the subject again. "So how do you keep your waiter from getting lost?" He asked curiously.

"A leash." was the simple reply.

Both Ranma and Akane began to crack up until they saw Ryoga's beet red face. They then realized that Ukyo may not have been joking.

"You're kidding right?" Akane asked, tentatively.

Ukyo just shook her head. "No, I attached a rope to his ankle tied to the counter which keeps him from getting too far..."

Ryoga sighed. Why do they always seem to be picking on him?

Fortunately... Well "Fortunately' may not be the word I'm looking for since what was about to happen isn't necessary a good thing, although it did stop Ryoga's hated conversation. "Unfortunately" wouldn't work either, as it isn't a BAD thing either. Oh, I'll just skip ahead to the point and forget the subtly all together.

A purple haired amazon burst threw the wall, stopping all conversation.

How's that? Too blunt? Oh, it's too late, anyway...

"Sha- Sha- Shampoo!" Both Ranma AND Ryoga yelped. They both simultaneously sunk down lower in their seats hoping the newcomer, who appears to be named after a hair care product wouldn't notice them.

Ukyo scowled. "Ah, great this is all we need!"

Akane was left confused. "What? Who's she? What's going on?" But everybody was too busy to enlighten her.

The purple haired beauty, who was indeed named Shampoo (Well sort of, if you pronounce her name wrong) crouched in the nice rubble that used to be a wall. She was dressed in Chinese Amazon clothing and carried two giant beach balls on sticks, which despite appearance would really hurt if you happened to be hit by one of them. She was also quite a looker, as the male population in the restaurant were noticing. She stood up and, pointed at our favorite martial artists' table with her bombari.

"Ranma. I kill." She said in a high pitched voice. The whole idea that this sweet girl with the purple hair and the squeaky voice could kill anything may seem silly, but she had a look in her eyes which said she had enough power to back up her words, bad grammar and all.

Ranma eeped and ducked further under the table. Ryoga was about to follow, but it was too late. He had been spotted.

A look of pure joy, crossed the Amazon's features. "Ryoga! Airon!" She cried, before glomping on Ryoga like there was no tomorrow. "Wo ai ni!"

Akane watched surprised both by Ranma's behavior and now this strange girl's actions.

Ukyo was to say the least NOT happy. She was in fact looking very unhappy. Her grip on her spatula handle caused her knuckles to turn pure white. "What do you think you're doing, you purple-haired bimbo!" She shouted at the girl, who was hugging her uncomfortable best friend.

Ryoga, looking panicked and trying not to have another nose bleed, tried to pry Shampoo off of him, but her grip on him was too strong for even him to break. "Come on, Shampoo. Let go!" He laughed, nervously hoping that Ukyo wouldn't think that this was his fault.

Finally. Ukyo pried the two apart with her spatula. Shampoo didn't seem to like that. "What you think you doing, Stupid Spatula girl!"

"Keeping you away from him, Bimbo!" Ukyo snapped.

"He my husband!" Shampoo shouted back. "I hug if I want!"

Both Akane and Ranma, and everybody else who happened to be watching this blanked at that last statement. "He's your what?" Akane asked. Ranma didn't say anything, but she did accidentally bonk his head on the table she was still hiding under.

"Over my dead body!" Ukyo growled, ignoring their audience. With that she grabbed a glass of water that was conveniently found at a nearby table and dumped its contents onto the surprised Amazon. To everyone's amazement, except Ranma who couldn't really see anything from where he was hiding, Shampoo's form shrank until a small pinkish white cat was found in her Chinese clothing. The cat wiggled out and yowled at Ukyo, angrily. If looks could kill...

But Ukyo ignored the silent death threat. Instead she pulled out her whopper-sized spatula and whacked the transformed cat much like a golfer would try to whack a golf ball with his club. If Ukyo had been a golfer, she'd have probably gotten a hole in one. The cat sailed out of the building and disappeared over the horizon. That done, Ukyo casually put her spatula away and sat down to continue eating her half melted ice-cream.

"What?" She asked, when she noticed everyone was staring at her.

As the four walked home, (although detouring for a second to stop this crazy ribbon wielding girl from whipping to death a couple of girls in their class who were dressed up like mummies), Ranma explained why she had turned into a coward the moment Shampoo had burst into the room.

"I AM NOT A COWARD!" Ranma screamed for what seemed like the thousandth time at a chuckling Ryoga. "Is it my fault, she wants to kill me?"

"Well, after hearing how you intruded in on her tournament, eaten her prize, then embarrassed her in front of everyone in her village, I'd say it was..." Akane said, thoughtfully.

Ranma glared at her. "Who's side are you on, anyway?""

Ukyo sighed. "What's done is done. You should feel lucky that she's only after your cursed side. Ryochan can't even hide as a pig. She already knows about his curse."

"Why is she after you, anyway?" Ranma asked, "Did you defeat her in combat, too?"

Ryoga sighed, "Yeah... you see, it was back when Ucchan and me were trying to find you...

Oh, my stars it's another flashback! Look out! TOO LATE

P-chan sighed, as he was once again hopelessly lost and in his cursed form. He gazed around at the busy street for any sign of his traveling companion and best friend Ukyo, but not having the best of views and the poor eyesight, which comes with being a pig, he couldn't see her.

He did see, this stunningly beautiful Chinese woman who had happened to notice him and was making 'here piggy piggy' noises at him. Not really thinking about the consequences, he came closer to her. Until she grabbed him by around his bandanna.

"SQUEEEE!" He said. Not sure he liked this girl anymore. She just smiled at him cutely.

Ukyo sighed, as once again Ryoga was hopelessly lost and in his cursed form. She couldn't believe how fast they had been separated. She had only turned her back for one second to ask for directions, to turn around and find that he was gone. She had nothing to do, but to start searching the streets for him, eventually finding his clothes and backpack. Now she was lugging the heavy thing around, and she still couldn't find him.

Just then she heard the tortured squealing of an abused piglet. Knowing Ryoga's luck like she did, Ukyo followed the sound, just knowing it was coming from Ryoga.

She found him in a nearby camp just outside the small country village. But he was not alone. He was in the company of a pretty young lady, which normally would have made Ukyo feel a pang of jealousy. But she happened to be a pretty young lady that was trying to cook Ryoga instead trying to date with him. She had him tied up above a pot of boiling water, as she cheerfully made the preparations for the rest of her meal.

She's gonna cook him! Ukyo gasped. Oh, no, I'm not gonna let THAT happen! "What do you think, you're doing!" Ukyo cried, coming from out of her hiding place near some bushes.

The Chinese girl glanced up at her with a confused expression on her beautiful face. "Cooking Chinese Cantonese style sweet and sour pork." She answered.

"Not with that pig you ain't, sister," Ukyo remarked, coming to untie the poor pig, who was bweeing happily upon seeing her.

"You try steal from Shampoo? Pig mine!" The girl hopped up and took an offensive stance.

Ukyo shook her head. "No, he's not! He's my best friend."

But Shampoo wouldn't be persuaded other wise. "We fight!" And she aimed a kick towards Ukyo's head, which Ukyo could barely dodge.

"Fine then, we fight." Ukyo agreed pulling out her spatula.

P-chan watched, obviously worried as the two girls fought. He could tell that the purple-haired girl was both stronger and a little faster than Ukyo, but Ukyo had a weapon and a reach advantage. Ryoga knew that Ukyo was very skilled in her art, and now that he was teaching her his, she made a worthy opponent. But something about the Chinese girl scared him.

Suddenly, one of Shampoo's kicks breached Ukyo's defense, and Ukyo was down. Panic for his best friend's safety overwhelmed him, and Ryoga struggled out of his bondage, falling down into the boiling water below him. "OOOWWWWWWWW! THAT'S HOTTT!" He cried, jumping up quickly out the hot water, fully human again.

"Aiya!" Pig turned into man!" Shampoo screamed.

But Ryoga didn't notice her. He quickly moved to Ukyo, who was still on the ground feeling that last kick. In his haste, he casually brushed Shampoo aside, not realizing the force he put into the movement. She stumbled towards the ground, hitting a rock and was knocked unconscious. Ryoga still didn't notice this but instead focused his attention on Ukyo.

"Ucchan? Are you all right!" He cried, not realizing that he was crying.

Ukyo looked up at him, crossly. "Of course I am, ya Jackass. I can take care of myself" She shook her head. He was such a moron some times... but a cute one...

Ryoga sighed in relief.

"But I don't think she's all right." Ukyo pointed towards the unconscious girl.

"How did that happen?" Ryoga wondered. He went to her side, just as Shampoo was waking up. What she saw was the cutest guy she had ever seen before in her life... and a naked one at that! And he even defeated her in combat, which means. "Airon!" She glomped him.

"WHAT?" Both Ryoga and Ukyo cried.

"Wo ai ni," Shampoo replied before kissing him full on the lips. Ryoga couldn't tell you what happened after this, for his nose burst out bleeding, and he was driven to unconsciousness. The first thing Ukyo did, when he did finally woke up, was hand him a book Shampoo had given her. It was titled: So You Defeated an Amazon in Combat.

Ryoga sighed. "So I read the book, and it said that when an outsider female defeats an amazon in combat, the amazon must give her the kiss of death."

"Like what happened to Ranma" Akane added, for those not paying attention.

Ryoga nodded. "Like Ranma, BUT if the person who defeated the amazon happened to be a male, she must marry him."

Akane stared in shock at this, but Ranma wasn't surprised. She already knew that the amazon laws were weird.

"It took us about a week to get rid of her, and that involved an impromptu tour across the United States." Ukyo glared at Ryoga, who was looking sheepish. "It figures that she'd find her way here..."

"Airon!" Shampoo popped up out of nowhere to glomp Ryoga again. Again Ukyo seethed.

Ranma watched in fascination. "That doesn't look like it'd be too bad," Ranma observed.

Akane glanced at her in disbelief. "What's THAT supposed to mean?"

Ranma shrugged "well, at least she's cute."

Both Akane and Ukyo threw dangerous looks at her, but Shampoo finally noticed her first. She had forgotten that she was still in her female form.

"RANMA, DIE!" Shampoo cried, chasing the red-head away.

"AUGH! WHY ME?" Ranma cried as the two disappeared across the building tops.

The three remaining martial artists just shook their heads and returned to walking home.

So much for a day of male bonding...

Oh, that night Akane got a phone call from Furinkan's Gymnastic team. They wanted her to represent the school at next week's Martial Arts Rhythmic Gymnastics match against St. Hebereke High. Without thinking, Akane accepted the challenge. There was just one problem. She didn't know the first thing about Martial Arts Rhythmic Gymnastics...

Gee, could somebody teach her...

Next time on Spatulas and Bandannas, Have we seen the last of Shampoo? Have we even scratched the surface? And what will Akane do about that challenge?

Find out in Chapter Eight.

I still can't believe I've even made it this far. All characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi! 


	9. Comings and Goings

A/N: I call this my random chapter...

Spatulas and Bandannas by Shikoku

Chapter Eight: Comings and Goings

"Boy, you look tired, girl," Ukyo observed as Akane with Ranma finally arrived to walk to school with her and Ryoga.

Akane yawned. "I feel tired, too," She remarked, as the four began to walk to school. Ranma and Ryoga were up on the fence, seeing who could stay up longer and racing each other to school. "Niyaa! Can't catch me, Pigboy!" Ranma taunted Ryoga, ducking as Ryoga threw his backpack at him. "Shut up, Ranma!" Ryoga cried, as he threw a punch towards the pigtailed martial artist's head.

The two girls ignored the sparring boys and continued with their conversation. "Why are you so tired, anyway?" Ukyo asked Akane. "Ranma's snoring keep you up?" She grinned, mischievously.

Akane laughed, although she just ended up yawning again. "No, I was up late practicing."

Ukyo looked at her with interest. "Practicing? What were you practicing for?"

"Well, remember those girls we saved from that psycho woman yesterday."

Ukyo shuddered as she remembered that horrible laugh. "Yep, I remember. What about it?"

"It appears that they were the only girls on the whole Furinkan Martial Arts Rhythmic Gymnastic Team that were able to compete in the upcoming match this week. They asked if I could compete for them, and I accepted."

"I didn't know you could do Rhythmic Gymnastics, Akane," Ryoga remarked. He and Ranma had stopped their fighting, having grown interested in the girl's conversation.

"She can't," Ranma answered for Akane. "She's not only awkward and clumsy, but she destroyed all the practice equipment the Gymnastic team lent us."

Akane's school bag hit him in the face. "Who asked you?"

"Are you really having that much trouble learning the skills, Akane?" Ryoga asked, concerned.

Akane blushed. "Well, I could use some help, a little, that is.."

"Then you came to the right place, Akane," Ukyo said, cheerfully.

Akane brightened up, "Really, Ukyo? You could teach me? That'd be great!"

Ukyo shook her head. "No, I don't know anything about gymnastics, but I know somebody that does..."

"Really? Who?"

By this time, they had arrived at their school and were surrounded by all the other students. Ukyo just smiled and nodded towards Ryoga. "Ryoga is great at Rhythmic Gymnastics."

Ranma and Akane facefaulted. "Ryoga is gonna teach me Martial Arts Rhythmic Gymnastics!" Akane cried out loud, once she regained her composure.

"Sure, he's great at it." Ukyo smiled, proudly.

A hand clamped down on Ryoga's shoulder. Ryoga turned and to his surprise saw that it belonged to Kuno. "A word of the wise, Hibiki, if you should teach the fair Akane Tendo the art of Martial Arts Rhythmic Gymnastics, prepare her well, for she faces my sister."

Akane, Ranma, Ryoga, and Ukyo all glanced at each other in shock. "Sister!"

"That psycho girl is Kuno's sister?" Ukyo gasped.

"Figures don't it?" Ranma added.

"I can see the family resemblance." Akane nodded.

Ryoga merely shivered.

Kuno was oblivious to all this. "Yes, twisted though she is, I love her still. I would be warned my fair Akane Tendo. In the gymnastics ring she plays not. You will be best advised to be prepared for anything. Good luck my love, for the thought of you in a leotard drives me to madness!" He laughed and left their presence.

Akane's turn to shiver. "Sister or no, he scares me more."

The others nodded in agreement.

"Ryoga! Nihao!" A voice called from above.

The small group looked up just as a bicycle landed on Ranma's head. The cheerful purple-haired girl who had been riding it jumped off, carrying a box of take out ramen.

"Sh- Sha- Shampoo! What are you doing here?" Ryoga asked, surprised. Behind him Ukyo scowled.

"Shampoo waitress at restaurant, Nekohanten," Shampoo replied, still smiling cutely at him. "Husband want try too too delicious ramen, yes?" She offered him a steaming bowl of delicious smelling ramen.

Ukyo shoved Ryoga aside and stalked up to the amazon. "No way, there's no way, he's gonna try your ramen, when he can have MY okonomiyaki!"

"Stay out of Shampoo's business, nosy girl! Ryoga my husband!"

"Oh, yeah, well, there's no way Ryoga's gonna marry you, so beat it, already!"

"Oh, yeah..!"

"Yeah!"

Ryoga stared back and forth between the girl's not sure what to do.

Akane sighed, wishing Ryoga would do something already.

Ranma groaned from under Shampoo's bicycle, and the school bell rang, marking the four late for class once again.

They are so beautiful... the boy sighed as he snapped their picture. Both of them are on fire. They move with such grace and beauty. A light that made other lights appear dim in comparison...And neither of them would ever give a guy like me the time of day.  
There was a Hikaru Gosunkugi in every class. The shy quiet boy that often goes unnoticed. A sickly, skinny boy, that was always picked last in team sports. The boy that nobody could ever remember his name. The boy that practiced voodoo on his enemies and practiced the black magic...Well, maybe everything sounds familiar except for that last part. But even though Gosunkugi walked around with two little voodoo dolls, a hammer and stake, and often wore candles on his head, he was mostly harmless. Mostly because none of his spells ever worked.

In fact you could almost say he was pathetic really. He had managed to fall in love not once but twice with two girls that he could never have. So he took their pictures when they weren't looking.

He caught a picture of Akane her long black hair falling in her face as she balanced easily on the balance beam. Her figure shown in its full glory for once now that she had donned a red leotard, instead of her typical baggy sweaters and jumpers.

He snapped another picture, this time featuring a breathtaking Ukyo just as she completed a backwards handspring. Her brown hair was flying around her head, having been pulled back in a high ponytail, like Akane she was dressed in a leotard, but hers was a royal blue.

He took picture after picture. Half of them with Akane in them, the others showing Ukyo. But many of his pictures featured both girls in them at the same time. Gosunkugi may not be able to torture his enemies with his voodoo, yet, but his photo taking had a certain magic of their own. In fact his pictures were even better than Nabiki's. Only few knew it.

"Hey, whatcha doing?" A voice broke in on the boy's thoughts. A hated voice. Gosunkugi looked up to see Ranma Saotome hanging above him from a higher window. Below them were Ryoga Hibiki and several other boys from his class. All of them were dressed in the boy's gym uniform, but none of them were paying attention to the baseball game they were supposed to be playing in.

"No- nothing.." Gosunkugi stuttered.

"Ah, he's probably taking pictures of Akane again," One of the other boy's remarked, Daisuke, in fact.

"Or Ukyo, I heard he has a crush on her now." Hiroshi added.

"Who doesn't?" Daisuke asked. Ryoga flinched at that one, but no one noticed.

"Ah, what are you taking pictures of Akane for?" Ranma asked. "She'd probably, end up breaking the camera." A gymnastics club hit him on the head.

"Ranma no baka!" Akane huffed, before shutting the windows. After Ranma recovered from the hit, the boys went back to their game, completely forgetting about Gosunkugi once again.

Upset, Gosunkugi left to his favorite spot on campus. His pounding tree. "Curse you, Ranma Saotome, curse you Saotome, Saotome curse you!" He cried as he nailed one of his voodoo dolls to the tree. Although it never worked, Gosunkugi at least felt a little bit better after doing this. But he was still mad. No problem. He had another doll. "Curse you Ryoga Hibiki, curse you, Hibiki, Hibiki curse you!" Sure, Ryoga was no where near as bad as Ranma was sometimes, but he still had a special place in Ukyo's heart that Gosunkugi could never hope of filling. That was reason enough for Gosunkugi to hate him, too.

Finally satisfied, the boy slid down till he was leaning against his tree. It just wasn't enough. He still wanted Ranma and Ryoga to pay. He hated them, hated them because the world revolved around them. Hated them because they were so much better than he was, stronger, faster, more powerful, more popular, more handsome... And girl's like Akane and Ukyo only go for guys like them.

"Curse you Ranma Saotome. Curse you, Ryoga Hibiki. Curse you all."

But how?

"Like this?" Akane asked as she tried to execute one of the moves Ryoga had shown her with the hoop. They had already spent a good part of the afternoon, working on her training. It had just been her and Ryoga with Ranma watching from the sidelines. Ukyo would have liked to have watched too, but she had to look after the restaurant. All of the work had been paying off. Akane managed to make it through the hoop without breaking it this time, but she did it without any grace. There was no way she'd be able to stand a good chance of winning at this rate, but Ryoga wasn't worried. They still had plenty of time to practice, and Akane was a fast learner.

And Ryoga was a good teacher. Even Ranma reluctantly agreed to that one.

So they had a peaceful training session, and Akane slowly but surely improved.

At the St. Herebreke High gym, one member of the school's Rhythmic Gymnastics' team looked at her fellow member. "Hey, where's the boss, tonight?"

"Shouldn't she be jumping the Furinkan school's newest member?" the girl replied.

The first girl nodded. "That's where she was supposed to be, but she called to tell us that she had other plans.

The second girl shrugged. "Oh, well, you know the boss. It's usually better not to ask."

The first girl nodded sagely. And they both went back to their practice.

"SASUKE!" Kuno called for the twenty-second time that night, but still no little ninjia arrived. Kuno grumbled to himself about how hard it was to find good help these days...

"Uh, excuse me, Upperclassman Kuno?" A hesitant voice called out.

Kuno turned to see this scrawny boy dressed in Furinkan's school uniform, but with two candles tied to his head came out of the bushes. The boy looked like he hadn't eaten in weeks or slept in months. His skin was pale, and he had two dark bags under his eyes.

"What dost thou want?" Kuno stated with much authority. "What are you doing on Kuno property? Speak, now vermin!"

The boy trembled a bit under Kuno's presence, but this was not surprising as Gosunkugi often acted like this to almost anyone. But let's not tell Kuno this, shall we? It might hurt his self esteem.

"I uh, I want to make Ranma Saotome and Ryoga Hibiki pay..." Gosunkugi stuttered. He knew that he couldn't do it by himself, and who better to ask than Kuno? Well..who better to ask that would do it for free?

"Ah, so you too, see the evil that lies in the evil sorcerer's heart's that dare traps my loves in their evil clutches?"

Pika pika Gosunkugi blinked. He felt that just nodding would be the safest answer to that one...

"And you enlist, the great Tatewaki Kuno, the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High to do it then?" Thunder shook and lightning striked. "By what means dost thou want me to do it?"

Gosunkugi looked confused for a second before translating Kuno's statement to merely : "What's the plan?" He did have a plan, right? ...Oh, yeah, "Surely, they must have some kind of weakness?" He asked.

Kuno glared at him. "Are you saying, that I, noble as I am, would dare to strike at an enemy's weakness behind his back?"

"Oh, sorry," Hmmm, maybe Kuno wasn't as bad as I thought... He turned to leave...

but Kuno caught him by the back of his shirt. "Well?"

"Well what?"

"What is their weaknesses?"

"But I thought..."

"It is dishonorable to strike at an enemies weakness behind his back, but it's perfectly honorable to strike at an enemy's weakness up front. Tell me their weaknesses!"

"Well, I don't really know them yet..."

With that Gosunkugi was booted out of Castle Kuno. "Don't come back till you have their weaknesses!" Kuno called after his new 'partner' in evil sorcerer' hunting. He turned back to his practice in thought. He had a feeling that Gosunkugi couldn't handle this alone...

"SASUKE! Where are you?" He cried. This time Sasuke finally appeared, after a five minute wait.

The little ninja kneeled in front of his master. "Yes, Master Kuno?"

"I want you to..." Kuno stopped talking and peered at his servant closer. "Is that lipstick I see?" Sure, enough Sasuke had a nice shade of blood red lipstick on his lips.

"What lipstick, master?" He asked, innocently.

"The one on your lips."

"There's no lipstick on my lips, master." Still innocent.

Kuno pulled out a mirror and shoved it into his servant's face. "Wanna bet?"

Sasuke stared at himself in surprise. "Ah, so there is, Silly me."

"Why do you have lipstick on your lips, Sasuke?"

"Mistress Kodachi tests it on me."

Kuno looked surprised. "She does?"

The ninja nodded. "She refuses to wear lipstick that doesn't look good on me."

Kuno shrugged. Now why had he called Sasuke... Oh, yeah, "Sasuke, I want you to follow the evil sorcerers, Saotome and Hibiki, and find out what their weaknesses are."

"Yes, Master Kuno," And Sasuke left to do his master's bidding.

And Kuno laughed once more.

The next week went quite quickly for our favorite Nerimians...

Ryoga diligently helped Akane with her training, and only got lost once!

Ukyo was kept busy by taking over both her shift and Ryoga's at her restaurant, but she still found time to keep Shampoo away from her best friend...

Akane kept on practicing and got better and better..

Ranma kept on watching Akane, and grudgingly admitted that she now had a chance of winning... Of course he never said this outloud...

Kuno waited patiently for Gosunkugi and/or Sasuke to find his hated enemy's weaknesses..

Nabiki sold more pictures of Akane, Ranma, and Ukyo while he waited..

Shampoo was busy waitressing, trying to win Ryoga's love, and trying to kill Girl-type Ranma and Ukyo...

Kasumi baked a lovely cake and shared it with Dr. Tofu...

Dr. Tofu took Betty on another dancing trip around Nerima...

Sasuke ended up getting lost with Ryoga...

Gosunkugi secretly took a hundred pictures of Ranma hoping he'd discover his weakness, but Ranma posed for each one...

Kodachi never did get around to attacking Akane, much to the surprise of the St. Herebreke team...

Soun and Genma played a hundred games of Shogi...

And Akane accidentally injured herself on the night before the Gymnastics meet. She had tripped on a left out gymnastics ball and twisted her ankle.

Now where are they going to find another female who is a martial artist and looks good in a leotard...

Next time: Who will be Akane's replacement?  
And will Sasuke or Gosunkugi or both find out Ranma and Ryoga's weakness?  
find out in Spatulas and Bandannas Chapter Nine

All Characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi! 


	10. Raindrops on Roses

A/N: I really liked this chapter... it's definitely up there in the "Brilliant" category, if I do say so myself. --Ranma Big Head Moment (TM)

I'll just say this, I love Gosunkugi and I got to use one of my favorite manga moments. So Enjoy:)

Spatulas and Bandannas by Shikoku

Chapter Nine: Raindrops on Roses and Whiskers on Kittens...

"Oh, no... No way, there's no way you're gonna talk me into this. Nuh, uh!"

Ryoga sighed. "C'omon, There's nobody else who could do this. You're Furinkan's only hope. Don't you want to make our school proud?"

"No," she said quickly and stubbornly. "There's no way, I don't have enough time to learn this! I'd just look stupid."

"I'm gonna teach you everything you need to know. You're a very fast learner. It won't take long at all, and you'll do great."

"But.."

"What about Akane? Are you really gonna let her down? She's been working so hard for this, if you won it'd be almost like she had. Couldn't you do it just for her?"

She sighed, finally having been beaten. "Fine, I'll do it, but if Kuno so much as looks at me, while I'm wearing this thing, I'm taking it out on you, ya jackass."

Ryoga nodded, as he watched Ukyo take the leotard and left to change.

From behind him, Ranma, who happened to be in her girl form, sighed in relief. "I'm glad you finally talked her into it. There's no way I'd be caught dead in public wearing that."

Ryoga just smirked. "Oh, that's okay, I figured Ukyo'd be a better gymnast than you anyway."

Ranma scowled at him. "You take that back, Ryoga!"

"Why should I?"

Ranma tried to kick at Ryoga, but the bandana-wearing boy dodged. "That's why, ya stupid jerk. I would too make a good gymnast."

"I don't know," Ryoga said, innocently as he continued to dodge Ranma's punches.

"Would too, would too, would too!" Ranma cried.

"Would what?" Akane asked as she entered the dojo. Her ankle had been bandaged, and she was forced to use crutches. But her ankle should be all better in a couple of days. However, her bruised ego and disappointment about missing the match would take longer to heal.

"Ranma wants to be a gymnast all of a sudden." Ryoga explained.

"And I'd make a good one, to boot." Ranma added, smugly.

Akane merely looked at her skepticly. "I don't know... with a load like that I doubt you'd even make it over the uneven bars..."

Ryoga burst out laughing, but Ranma gazed at her, not quite understanding. "What do you mean by that..." Then she looked down at her bowling ball sized chest and answered her own question. "Oh," She said, blushing a little.

Akane joined in Ryoga's laughter, and Ranma grew angry. "Hey, at least I got some, Akane! You wouldn't have a descent figure, even if you could combine them."

Akane slapped him. "You... jerk," She finished, not being able to think of a worse thing to call him. She then burst out crying and ran out of the dojo.

Ranma gazed after her stunned. Her hand print still engraved in red on her face. Suddenly an elbow clobbered her from above. Ranma looked up to see Ryoga, looking ticked off.

"Ooh, you really did it this time, Ranma." He growled. "How could you say something like that?"

Ranma stuttered not sure what to say, whether to yell, apologize, or just hit the stupid pig-boy back. But he was right. She had gone too far. "What should I do?"

"Talk to her, apologize." Ryoga ordered, softly.

Ranma nodded and left the dojo.

"What was that all about?" A voice asked from behind him. Ryoga turned and gasped. Ukyo was dressed in a leotard all right, a tight dark green one that showed off her figure and highlighted her green eyes. Her rich brown hair was pulled back in a tight frenchbraid the end was draped over her shoulder. Ryoga instinctively covered his nose, again.

Ukyo shook her head in amusement. "Now don't start with this Ryo-chan. How are you gonna train me, if you can't even use both hands.?"

Hesitantly, Ryoga uncovered his nose.

Ukyo smiled. "Good, now where do we begin?"

Ryoga picked up the ribbon. "Here's the ribbon..."

Girl-type Ranma finally found Akane on the bridge, that she had favored. The black haired girl was standing, slightly leaning on her crutches, gazing out at the river. Her pajamas and long bluish black hair were gently being tousled in the wind.

Ranma stopped not sure what to do next. She was panting a bit from her running. How Akane managed to run to this bridge so fast with crutches was beyond her. Not knowing anything else to do, she hesitantly approached the silent girl. "Uh, Hi," She said softly.

"Hi," Akane said back, in a dead voice, neither sad nor angry. She didn't even turn to look at her. This silent, uncaring Akane frightened Ranma much more than an angry Akane any day.

"Uh, Akane... I'm uh, sorry..." She stumbled over the words, sighing in relief after she finally said what she had came to say.

"It's okay, Ranma.." Akane answered, still not looking at her."

Ranma began to feel afraid. "Of course, it's not okay, Akane. I was acting like a real jerk." Akane still didn't seem to be listening to her, so Ranma grabbed her by the shoulders and forced her to face her. "I'm sorry," She whispered, shocked to see Akane's tear stained face and the sadness in her beautiful brown eyes. More than anything Ranma wanted to make her smile again... She was so cute when she smiled.. "Really sorry..."

Akane sighed. "Do you really mean that Ranma...?"

Ranma nodded. "I do. I'm sorry, Akane. I sometimes don't know why I say things like that..."

"Let's not talk about it, anymore," Akane murmured, softly. The two continued to stare into each other's eyes. Both weren't sure what to say or do now. They were both worried that if they did say something the moment would be ruined. But it was destined to be ruined, anyway.

"Die!" Ranma managed to dodge just as a giant sword came down between herself and Akane. Ranma looked up to see Shampoo.

The Chinese girl glared at her. "Girl-type Ranma, I kill!"

Ranma eeped and began to once again run for her life with the purple-haired girl right on her heels. Leaving Akane to sigh and shake her head sadly, they had been so close...

But soon another Nerimian night was over awakening another day full of possibilities. Oh, what weirdness will befall us this morning? the native Nerimians thought as they opened their shops and started their days. Of course, how weird the day would be depended on the local martial artists...

Akane yawned as she stretched, lazily getting out of bed. Last night had been a good sleep and already she could feel her ankle heeling, as well as her hurt feelings. That Ranma. How could someone be so frustrating even to the point where you'd gladly kill him and hide the body one minute, then turn around and be so sweet and caring? Akane shook her head. She had given up trying to figure that one out long ago.

Instead she got dressed and went downstairs. As she passed Ranma's room, she wondered briefly if he had ever gotten home alright, but thought it better not to intrude on him just yet. Instead she had better see how Ryoga and Ukyo were fairing.

She was surprised to see that her friends weren't at the breakfast table. She had thought for sure that they would have been up by now. Maybe they're still in the dojo... She thought and went to check.

She wished she hadn't. The dojo looked as if a hurricane had blown through it. Gymnastic equipment was strewn about everywhere, and in the middle of it all lay Ryoga and Ukyo both asleep. Ukyo having been sprawled out on her back with her head resting on Ryoga's shoulder. Ryoga didn't seem to notice, as he snored lightly before rolling over to let poor Ukyo's head hit the floor.

"Owe," Ukyo moaned, rubbing her head, before whapping the still sleeping boy.

He abruptly sat up. "What'd you do that for?" But he sounded too tired to be threatening.

She shrugged. "I don't know it just felt right." She broke out in a huge yawn.

Akane cleared her throat. Normally she would have found their behavior amusing, but they had a gymnastics match that was only an hour and a half away. And both the trainer and her stand in were half alive. "You guys didn't stay up all night did you?"

Ryoga blinked dully. "No... not all night..." He said, sleepily.

Akane sighed in relief.

"Yeah," Ukyo nodded. "We been asleep for at least thirty minutes."

Akane facefaulted. They were doomed.

"What dost thou desire of me?" The great Tatewaki Kuno asked the lowly Gosunkugi, regally. It was the day his twisted sister was to fight the beauteous Akane Tendo and this... weakling had asked to speak with him. Now they were in front of Kodachi's school a couple of minutes before she was due to fight.

Gosunkugi trembled a little from Kuno's presence. "It's about Saotome and Hibiki's weakness..."

At that, Kuno became excited. He grabbed Gosunkugi's collar. "Speak, man. What hast thou discovered about the vile sorcerers?"

Suddenly, a heavy weight landed on the upperclassman's head. He looked up to see that it was Ranma Saotome himself. Behind him came Ryoga Hibiki. "Do you mind?" Kuno growled, trying to swat at the pest. But Ranma managed to evade each blow without even moving.

Ignoring Kuno and Ranma, Ryoga glanced at Gosunkugi. "We got your note."

"What note?" Kuno asked, still trying to get Ranma off of him.

"Oh, I called them here, Upperclassman Kuno." Gosunkugi explained. To confirm this Ranma showed Kuno the note:

Saotome and Hibiki,  
Meet us on top of Upperclassman Kuno's head at St. Herebreke High before the match.  
Signed, Gosunkugi and Sasuke

"Only we both couldn't fit on top of your head at the same time," Ranma added.

Kuno looked at the voodoo practicing boy, rather calmly considering. "And why on top of my head?"

"It'd be easier to discover their secret weaknesses if they were together at one spot." Gosunkugi explained. He then pulled out a cardboard box with "Scary Stuff" written on it in black magic marker He proceeded to throw the box's contents at the three martial artists. Ranma, Kuno, and Ryoga were showered with snakes, spiders, mice, worms, and gerbils.

Although Kuno passed out in fright, Ranma and Ryoga merely looked bored, "Sooo, you've been trying to discover our weaknesses, huh?" Ranma asked.

Ryoga looked thoughtful, "Well...that would explain this." He pulled Sasuke out of the bushes who was holding a videocamera and microphone. Sasuke laughed, nervously, having been caught.

Ranma shook his head. "Come on, we're martial artists. We ain't afraid of nothing."

Immediately, Kuno was back up again. "You lie! Even I the "Blue Thunder" is deathly afraid of these things!" He shoved an armful of the scary stuff into their faces.

Ryoga shook his head. "Sorry," and the two began to walk away, eager to get good seats for Ukyo's fight.

Kuno glared at Gosunkugi and Sasuke, before following them... and falling into a pit.

"Oops," Sasuke murmured. "We forgot about that. Sorry, Master Kuno."

"And what is a pit doing at my sister's school?" Kuno asked, not sure if he wanted to know. Slowly, he crawled out of the deep hole.

Gosunkugi answered for Sasuke. "We wanted to see if Saotome and Hibiki were afraid of falling."

For a minute, Kuno looked ready to strangle them, but he managed to compose himself. "Go and find out their weaknesses and don't come back until you actually have it!"

Gosunkugi and Sasuke ran.

"The nerve of those guys, thinking we have weakness." Ranma shook his head, indignantly.

"Weakness." Ryoga snorted. "Yeah, right. Two able guys like us, we're afraid of nothing.

Suddenly, a high-pitched voice filled the air. "Nihao!"

"Sh- Sha- Shampoo!" Both Ranma and Ryoga gasped at the same time.

Ranma was about to run, but then he remembered something. "Oh, wait, I'm not a girl right now, but boy are you in trouble."

Ryoga momentarily turned to glare at him, before the bubbly amazon glomped him.

Immediately, Ryoga's nose started throbbing. Oh, man...

Shampoo hugged him tightly and looked up at him cutely with her wine-colored eyes. "Ryoga take Shampoo on date?" She asked, hopefully.

Ryoga quickly freaked out and tried to pry her loose before Ukyo could see this. "N-No! I have to watch Ukyo's match, that's it! Uh, can you let go of me...?"

Ranma shook his head. "Pathetic, really..."

"I'd like to see you do better!" Ryoga shouted at the pig-  
tailed martial artist before a curtain of cold water was pored down his back.

"Oops," A girl from an above window gasped. "Sorry about that, didn't see you." She shut the window and left.

Ranma shook his head wandering how this always managed to happen. He turned and to his surprise saw that not only had Ryoga shrunk down in his clothing, but Shampoo had too. Shampoo's cursed, too? He reached down to lift a corner of Shampoo's discarded Chinese blouse. There he saw it... The most horrifying thing imaginable... just the sight of it gave him goosebumps... and he just knew he was gonna be having nightmares tonight...

What he saw was a cute pink cat. "Meow?" Shampoo-cat said, cutely.  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH"  
Ranma screamed before running like his life depended on it.

Shampoo eyed him curiously before following after.

Meanwhile, P-chan managed to wiggle out of his clothing and saw Ranma's retreating form. I wonder what's the matter with him...? Quickly, he too, chased after him. He couldn't get separated from Ranma. He might get lost and miss seeing Ukyo's match. Then Ukyo'd kill him.

Sasuke and Gosunkugi sighed as they both sat discouraged on a nearby park bench.

"We'll never discover their weaknesses," Sasuke sighed.

"Yeah, I mean it's not just gonna walk right by us..." Gosunkugi added.

"AAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"What was that?" The two asked each other at the same time.

Suddenly, A half-crazed Ranma ran by screaming his head off with a cat and a pig after him. "That's it!" Gosunkugi cried, standing up. "Are you pondering what I'm pondering."

"I think so, but Mistress Kodachi really doesn't look good in yellow."

Gosunkugi wondered briefly why he had this impulse to bonk the ninja on the head, but he shook that feeling off as just too much WB. "I think we finally figured out Ranma's secret weakness..."

"Oooh," Sasuke nodded.. "Right, let's go!"

Laughing evilly, the two ran off to begin thinking up a plan..

Shampoo-cat licked a paw, as she stared disinterestingly, at the prone Ranma .He had finally stopped running after running into that tree. What's the matter with him anyway? The cat turned amazon wondered. "Stupid boy" She meowed.

Suddenly, a shadow covered her, and she looked up to see the scariest sight ever to cross her eyes.

"You are just what I need.." A shrill voice cackled..

And a hand reached down and grabbed the cat by the back of the neck.

"OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!..."

Next time on Spatulas and Bandannas, What does the Mysterious stranger (Yeah right) have planned? Now that Sasuke and Gosunkugi know Ranma's weakness what are they going to do about it?  
Find out in chapter ten.  
All characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi! 


	11. Shampoo's Bad Day

A/N: Just want to point out that despite the treatment I've given her so far in this story, I really do love Shampoo. She's actually my favorite female character in Ranma 1/2. I know, you'd think I'd love Ukyo better, since this is a story about her and Ryoga, but I can't help loving the purple haired amazon.

Probably cause I've been cosplaying as her for 6 years... trust me, you'd love anybody after cosplaying them...

So for what I do to you in this chapter, I apologise Shampoo...

Spatulas and Bandannas by Shikoku

Chapter Ten: Shampoo's Bad Day

Ukyo stood near the ring at the St. Herebeke High, watching the crowd gather. She sighed, wishing she didn't have to do this but knowing she couldn't let her friend down. Uncomfortable wearing such a revealing leotard in public, Ukyo vainly tried to pull the tight green leotard down over her backside better. She didn't seem to notice that half of the guys were now staring at her with lust in her eyes. She was too busy looking in the crowd for one face in particular. Where is he... If he's lost again, I swear I'm really gonna have to hurt him...

"Are you ready, Ucchan?" Akane asked her. Akane was acting as her second and assistant during the match.

Ukyo sighed and nodded. "Hai... Let's get this over with." The two stepped onto the small ring as the announcer introduced her, and the whole crowd burst into applause.

Just outside the building, P-chan finally caught up with the comatose Ranma. Shampoo-cat was nowhere in sight, but that didn't matter to the pig at the moment. He was more concerned about his unconscious friend.

"BBBWWWEEEE! Bweee! Bweee!" The pig snorted, trying to wake up the martial artist by pulling on his pigtail. For those who couldn't speak pig, P-chan's sentence could translate to: "Wake up, Ranma. If we're late Ukyo'll kill me! Come on, wake up, stupid!"

Slowly, thanks to P-chan's prodding, Ranma woke up. "Huh? What...? I'm awake!" He sat up and glanced at the pig. "What is it, P-chan? Did little Timmy fall down the well, again?"

P-chan sighed, exasperated.

"C'mon, let's go change you back." Ranma picked up the little porker and made his way to the nearest men's room.

P-chan sighed, in relief. He knew Ranma could be trained.

Ukyo was really starting to not like this Kodachi lady. Not only had she tried to poison her with those roses before she had even changed into her costume. (THAT had certainly woken her up), but she had made this grandiose entrance into the ring, making kissing faces at the audience and ranting on and on for ten minutes on how she was going to defeat this 'lowly wench'. Ukyo could definitely see the family resemblance between Kodachi and Kuno, now.

Then after the announcer had announced the rules, Kodachi had tried to shake hands with her with tacks hidden between her fingers... If Akane hadn't stopped her...

Ukyo sighed. Kodachi was ranting again. Don't these Kunos ever stay quiet?

Suddenly, Kodachi stopped in the middle of her speech to point at something behind her. Ukyo turned to see... nothing. When she turned back she found that Kodachi had attached a chain to her wrist. Attached to that chain was a cat. A familiar cat. A familiar PINK cat.

"Shampoo," Ukyo murmured, wondering how the amazon got into this situation.

"With that cat attached to you, you shall be greatly hindered in the upcoming fight." Kodachi declared, laughing under her breath then out loud, insanely.

Hmmm, I'm gonna be in a fight with my least favorite person attached to me on a chain in her most weakened state.. Ukyo grinned evilly (for her anyway). This should be fun...

And the match began.

In the men's room, Ranma dumped a bucket of hot water over the pig, turning him back into a deliciously naked Ryoga. Unfortunately for us, Ranma had found Ryoga's clothes and backpack, so the handsome martial artist began to get dressed. Sigh Well, we can't win them all. But there is always next time. The author grins, evil-like

Uh, where was I...? Oh, yeah.

Ranma sighed as Ryoga dressed. (Not because he was disappointed, too, you hentais. ) But because he was embarrassed for the way he reacted upon seeing Shampoo's curse form. "Uh, you're probably wondering why I freaked out like that, huh?"

Ryoga glanced up at him, as he was putting on his pants. "Well, the question did cross my mind..."

Ranma hesitated. Should he tell his greatest secret to Pig-  
boy? Did he have a choice? "I'm deathly afraid of cats." He finally admitted.

Pika Pika Ryoga blinked. "Really? How did that happen?"

"My stupid father, was trying to teach me this powerful technique that he found in a book. It's called the Nekoken. To learn it, the trainee, covered in fish sausage, must be dropped into a pit full of half starved alley cats."

Ryoga winced. "Ooh, harsh."

But Ranma wasn't finished yet. "Pop dropped me in five times."

Ryoga winced again. "Mega harsh"

Ranma sighed. "Tell me about it. I can't so much as look at a cat before I start to freak out."

"So, did you learn the technique?" Ryoga asked curiously.

Ranma nodded, "But I can only do it, if my fear surpasses a certain point. Then I'm practically unstoppable. Or at least I've been told..."

Ryoga made a mental note to never be around to see this. Being completely dressed, he stood up. "Well, I guess we'd better go... They've probably started by now..."

Ranma stood up to, and the two boys made their way to the door. But then Ranma stopped. "Oh, Ryoga,"

Ryoga turned to look at Ranma. "Yes, Ranma?"

"Uh, can you uh, keep this to yourself?" He asked, hopefully.

Ryoga smiled a fanged smile. "Sure, Ranma."

Having completed their "male bonding", the two left the bathroom to make their way to the school's gym.

Ukyo and Akane would have been proud.

Relief showed in Akane's eyes, when the boys finally made their way to her side at the ring. "There you are! What took you, guys so long?"

They glanced at each other. "Kuno was trying to 'vanquish' us 'evil sorcerers' again." Ryoga answered. Ranma sighed in relief.

"So what have we missed so far?" Ryoga asked, quickly changing the subject.

"Well, so far Kodachi has managed to perform every cheap trick in the book, and then some, but Ukyo's holding her own."

Ryoga glanced at the fighting girls in the ring. He had finally gotten used to the sight of Ukyo in a tight leotard, but something on her caught his eye. "Is that..."

Akane nodded, "Yeah, somehow Kodachi caught Shampoo in her cursed form and chained her to Ucchan at the beginning of the fight."

"Where? I don't see Shampoo." Ranma glanced around, blankly before Ryoga forced his head down.

"It'd be better if you didn't see her." Ryoga told him under his breath.

Akane didn't notice this exchange, and the three continued to watch the match. Ranma made sure he didn't look to closely at what was chained to Ukyo's wrist.

Ryoga cringed, as a sound of impact and a cat's cry came from the ring. "Uh, Ukyo's not exactly being careful that Shampoo doesn't get hit is she..?"

Akane grinned. "Nope, she sure isn't." She didn't know why but she was taking great pleasure out of watching the cat/amazon get hit... +

"MEEEERRRRRRRROOOOOWWWWWWWW!" Shampoo-cat yowled before she narrowly missed a spiked club. She was not having fun. It wasn't bad enough that she was now stuck in her cursed from. It wasn't bad enough that she was stuck in her cursed form and chained to her rival. But she was stuck in her cursed form and chained to her rival, who was now using her as a shield.

WHAMMO! Shampoo-cat was used to block a gymnastics' ball.

Shampoo-cat growled in pain. Ooooh, when I get back to my real form... She left the threat open, not being able to think of something painful enough to threaten Ukyo with.

Shampoo-cat had tried to come up with ways to take advantage of the situation. She had tried to trip Ukyo up or held her back. And when Ukyo had her locked tightly under one arm, she had tried to bite and claw her way out. But nothing she did seemed to mess up Ukyo or distract her for long.

But Shampoo-cat vowed to think of something. There was no way she'd let Ukyo win this fight. Especially not with her as a weapon!

As the fight continued, the contestants became more and more creative with what weapons they used. At one point, they had used the announcer's table, the microphone, and Kodachi had even used her own brother. It was when Kodachi tried to use a nearby teakettle, that things grew interesting.

From his place in the stands, Ryoga's eyes bugged out when he realized just what would happen if the kettle should hit.

Akane seemed to realize the implications, too. "Uh, is that what I think it is..."

"We can't let that thing hit!" Ryoga cried. He really didn't want to see what would happen if Shampoo should return to her human form. In the state she was in, she may even do something drastic. Besides, the last thing they needed was a naked lady to appear on the stage. Not with this crowd of perverts.

It was too late to stop the thing, but Ryoga found the next best thing. A fire hose. He turned it on and aimed it for the girls just as the teakettle hit. What resulted was a giant cloud of steam which effectively covered both girls.

"Akane, get the cold water!" Ryoga ordered, not wasting anytime should the steam evaporate.

"Right." Akane nodded.

Inside the cloud of steam. Two girls glared at each other. The brunette was dressed in a tight leotard, while the lavender-haired girl was buck naked. "Stupid Spatula Girl pay for what she do to Shampoo!" The lavender girl growled at the other.

Ukyo glared back at her. "I didn't do anything to you, you Purple-haired Bimbo!"

"Shampoo kill-" But she never finished her sentence, as a bucket of water suddenly drenched her. She once again changed back into a cat, just as the steam disappeared and the crowd was able to see once again.

Ukyo threw herself back into the fight, while Shampoo-cat once again tried to stop her.

Kodachi cackled once more as she dived at the okonomiyaki chef with her razor sharp hoop. Ukyo struggled to dodge each swing after finding out, almost the hard way, how sharp the simple looking hoop really was. At one point she had blocked with the chain that bound her to Shampoo. The hoop had cut right through the chain, effectively releasing Shampoo, much to the relief of both Shampoo AND Ukyo. Ukyo now was free to move easily again, but all she was able to do was back up until she had no where else to turn to.

Kodachi's laugh grew, as she too recognized Ukyo's plight. She raised up her hoop for the final strike.

Ukyo cringed and looked away. It was no use she had no where else to go. She had failed.

Then she saw him. Ryoga was standing in the audience staring at her intently. She immediately recognized the look in his beautiful brown eyes. It said that he believed in her. That he knew that she could do it. That he was rooting for her.

Ukyo briefly closed her eyes and vowed that she was not going to fail him. He believed in her; she must now believe in herself.

The razor hoop made its way towards her, but Ukyo wasn't there. Quickly, she dove under and between Kodachi's outstretched legs and rolled again to her feet, catching the surprised gymnast from behind with her ribbon.

The crowd cheered for this sudden turn around, and from the audience a small smile was found on Ryoga's face. That was his Ucchan up there kicking butt.

Needless, to say no matter what trick she pulled, the match went downwards from then on for the "Black Rose"

Like lightning, Shampoo-cat raced through the school desperately searching for some means to change back before somebody else tried to use her in some creative way. Luck was with the poor cat-girl when she found a locker room. Sure, it was one of St. Herebreke High's few Men's Locker room, but beggars can't be choosers, right?

Shampoo dashed inside and began to run the hot water in the sink. She hopped in as a cat and hopped down as a woman. She sighed in relief, glad that her ordeal with Ukyo and the crazy rose girl that had started this mess was over. She still vowed to pay both back ten-fold for what they had done to her, but there was little she could do now, especially in the state that she was in.

The pretty amazon then started to check out her injuries. She had managed to get out of the mess intact, but there were bruises all over her body from where various gymnastics weapons and a few creative standbys had hit her. She sighed, again.

Stupid curse.. She thought, bitterly, in her native tongue. It has been nothing but trouble since the day I caught it. It had been a long time ago, so she was basically used to living as a half cat, but there were times she'd really like to beat the daylights out of the boy who had caused her to fall into that spring...

Guess what!  
Yep, another flashback!

The little purple-haired girl raced over the hills of her homeland with the little black haired boy racing after her trying to keep up. "Wait up, Shan pu!" He called after her.

Little Shan pu grinned back at him. "Hurry up, Mu tsu! Why do you always have to be so slow?" She giggled and raced down the mountain faster, coming to an abrupt stop when she saw what lay before her.

Little Mu tsu slammed on the breaks next to her. He too gazed out at their destination. "Wow, so this'-"

"Jusenkyo!" Little Shan pu finished for him. "Isn't it amazing?" The whole valley before them was covered with small pools of water each with a pole sticking out of it. A small shack rested at one end of the valley, but the children didn't notice it finding it uninteresting. "So this is where the grownups used to go to train." Shan pu gasped, still awestruck by the sight of all of the pools.

Mu tsu gazed at the pools, with a small worried expression on his face. "Shan pu... maybe we shouldn't be here. The grown ups told us it isn't safe here." He warned.

But Shan pu ignored her best friend, instead running to one of the poles. "Ah, you're no fun. Com'on, Mu tsu last one on that pole is a dopey duck."

Mu tsu shrugged but once again raced after her, not realizing how right ShanPu was about the dopey duck thing...

Oh, sure it was fun at first, but then he slipped off one of the poles and fell into the spring of drowned duck, which surprised me enough to fall into the cat spring. She laughed when she remembered the expressions on the village elders' faces, but cringed when she remembered the whipping she had received for punishment afterwards...and the fact that she was forced to keep the curse as an added reminder of her disobedience and lack of responsibility...

She sighed, once again, as she stood up to look for any kind of clothing. That was when the door opened, and who should stride in, but the 'Blue Thunder' of Furinkan High himself. He stopped and gazed at her in shock. Shampoo did nothing but stare back at him.

Once Kuno came back to his senses, well, what senses he had anyway, he pulled out a bouquet of roses, and got down on his knee. "Ah, sweet angel sent to me from the Heavens above. Cast thine eyes down upon me so that I may bathe in their beauty. I am, Tatewaki Kuno, often times called the "Blue Thunder" of Furinken High. Whilst thou date with me?.."

Pika Pika Shampoo blinked. What kind of language is he speaking? Confused, she pulled out a Japanese to Chinese dictionary from Hammerspace (Well, where else could she keep it, being in her birthday suit and all) and thumbed through it trying to look up the nonsense that is Kuno's typical dialect.

Kuno, of course, was unaware of the language barrier and was just finishing up his typical "I shall date with thee" speech."

"...So if you defeat me in combat, I shall allow thee to date with me, but if I so win...I shall date with thee."

Shampoo tossed the book over her shoulder. Now THIS she understood. "You can try, stupid boy."

Kuno smiled, prepared once again for a victorious fight.

Five minutes later, Shampoo strolled out of the men's locker room, dressed in full Kendo gear. The blue kimono and baggy/skirt-like pants wasn't really her type and color, but they would do for now. She then hurried to leave for her restaurant, glad that her bad day was almost over.

Inside the bathroom, a crumpled bleeding Kuno laid in a heap. He sighed blissfully to himself, for his unconscious dreams were now filled with four lovely goddesses.

The next day, Nabiki added Shampoo's pictures to Kuno's growing tab.

Somehow she knew that this was going to happen...

Next time: What is Sasuke and Gosunkugi's plan? Will Kuno ever be able to make up his mind, now that he has FOUR loves?  
Find out in Spatula and Bandannas chapter eleven. Whew!

All characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi! 


	12. We Know Your Secret!

A/N: This is another "brilliant" chapter... I guess I just love the Sasuke and Gosunkugi Team up. :)

Spatulas and Bandannas by Shikoku

Chapter Eleven: We Know Your Secret!

"SHE IS THE CHAMPION, MY FRIE-END! SHE'S OUT TO FIGHT, TILL THE ENNND! SHE IS THE CHAMPION! OH, WHAT A CHAMPION!" A couple of the other customers at the Uuchans turned to stare at the two boys who were singing, obnoxiously at the top of their lungs. Ryoga and Ranma didn't seem to care, as they burst out laughing and gave each other a high five. Akane laughed with them, although she still wore a slightly wistful look on her face. Ukyo just smiled at them, looking slightly embarrassed from her place from behind the stove. "Come on, guys quit it. You're embarrassing me." She said, laughing.

Ryoga grinned at her his eyes sparkling with mirth, which could be kind of scary if you truly knew Ryoga. "Oh, come on, Uuchan. You deserve this. You did great against Kodachi."

Ranma also laughed. "I especially liked the part when you were explaining to the judge how exactly a spatula could be considered a legal weapon in Martial Arts Rhythmic Gymnastics." He grinned at that particular memory, as the others burst out in a new round of laughter.

"Well, a spatula IS a weapon. It wasn't like I hit her without a weapon, now did I?" Ukyo grinned, mischievously. "And I'd do it again too. She deserved it moving the ring once I threw her out. What a cheater!"

The others nodded as they started to shift their attention back to their okonomiyaki. Ukyo smiled as she watched them eat, enjoying her cooking. It HAD been a good fight, and she was proud of herself. But she'd never have been able to do it without her friends.

She had good friends, liked her school, had a prosperous business, and was able to dress as a girl again. Yep, life's good Ukyo decided.

She wondered if it could get any better than this, as Ryoga and Ranma burst out into another round of song. This time Ukyo and Akane joined in.

Majestically as usual, Kuno stood in his backyard staring at the stars in the sky. Ah, life is good He decided. For now another beauteous Goddess had joined his list of loves. As always he dreamed of the fierce and strong Akane Tendo, the innocent and pure Mysterious Pigtailed Girl, and also there was the sweet and lovely Ukyo Kuanji. But now a purple haired beauty, who was as powerful as she was sexy joined their ranks. It was too bad Kuno hadn't been able to catch her name. He mentally labeled her the Mysterious Purple-  
haired Girl and was content to leave it at that. Why should I care about mere names? For a rose by any other name should smell so sweet.. He noted that was a good one and quickly wrote it down for use in the future.

After adding the rose comment to his list of quotes, he went back to dreaming of his latest love. Ah, Mysterious Purple-  
haired Girl, He thought, wistfully, as he pictured her as he had first seen her, pretty much not hiding anything. Ah, Kuno loved it when they made it so easy for him. It didn't take much effort to undress her in his mind, she had already done that for him. Kuno started drooling at the thought, but quickly pulled himself back together again. She's no doubt also trapped under the spells of that foul Saotome and equally foul Hibiki. Oh, I shall surely smite them for this. Hmmm, I wonder hast Sasuke and that foul lowerclassman urchin done as I asked yet. He decided to find out.

"SASUKE!" He called.

But he didn't get an answer.

"SASUKE! I'M CALLING YOU!"

Again, he didn't get an answer.

Kuno was starting to get tired of this. "SASUKE! I'm giving you three seconds to get your butt over here!"

You can really tell that Kuno was getting annoyed at his poor ninja servant. The vaguer word 'butt' is not usually found in his dictionary.

"ONE.."

Still no sign of the ninja.

"TWO..."

Boy, Sasuke was really pushing it this time.

"TWO AND A HALF..."

"I'm COMING, MASTER KUNO!" Sasuke cried running up to Kuno from the direction of the house. He was sweating furiously, and was fiddling with his pants for some reason, but Kuno didn't seem to notice. Sasuke quickly bowed to his irritated master. "Please forgive me, Master Kuno."

But Kuno didn't want to waste his precious time to deal with his punctually-challenged servant. "Enough, Sasuke what news hast..." He then noticed something odd about his late servant. "Sasuke... Why is your pants on backwards?"

Sasuke looked at him, blankly. "They are?" He looks down and sees that he is indeed wearing his pants on backwards. He blushed slightly but glanced up back at Kuno. "So sorry, Master Kuno, you called me while I was asleep. I got dressed in a hurry."

During his explanation he continued to fiddle with his pants which appeared to be unfastened, like he had just thrown them on. Doing this, he accidentally dropped his drawers. His pants fell around his ankles. Kuno saw this and his eyes bugged out for a second before he reclaimed his regal pose.

"Uh, Sasuke... Why are you wearing my sister's underwear?"

Sasuke looked down, and his eyes bugged out, too. He glanced back up at his master and just sort of laughed nervously. "Oh, my, how did those get there...? They must have gotten mixed up in my laundry. So sorry." He pulled his pants back on, blushing a deep crimson.

Kuno stared at him in a sick astonishment, having completely forgotten what he had been trying to do...

"Uh, what did you call me for, Master?" Sasuke asked, breaking Kuno from whatever thoughts the kendoist may have been having.

"Oh... right..." He said numbly, without a hint of the pompous attitude generally associated with Kuno. He was that startled by his servant's actions he forgot that he was supposed to be the 'Blue Thunder of Furinkan High'. He shook his head and struck a pose. "Sasuke, I must learn all I can about my NEW new love, the Mysterious Purple-haired Girl.

Sasuke sighed in relief, glad Kuno had seemed to forget about the ur incident, at least for now. "I'll be right on it, Master Kuno," And quickly he moved to start his spying.

But then Kuno reached over and grabbed him on the shoulder before he could leave. "Oh... and Sasuke..."

Sasuke gulped. "Ye... yes, Master Kuno?" He asked nervously.

"How dost it go for your quest to discover Saotome and Hibiki's weakness?"

Sasuke again sighed in relief. "It goes well, Master Kuno. We plan on executing our Grand Plan tomorrow."

"Excellent" Kuno said, doing his best Mr. Burns impression.

Sasuke finally left, and Kuno then went back to his meditating. "Oh, Mysterious Purple-haired Girl..." He breathed, picturing his love in his arms. Then Shampoo turned into a pretty brunette girl. "Oh, Beauteous Ukyo Kuanji." She in turn changed into a redhaired pigtailed girl...

This may take awhile.

"Dear Saotome and Hibiki,  
Please come to our rescue. We are being held hostage in the gym.  
Help, help, help, help, help.  
Sincerely,  
Ukyo and Akane"

PS: Help.

Ranma looked at Ryoga quizzically, after he finished reading outloud the letter he had found at his desk. "What the heck is this?"

Ryoga, equally baffled, merely shook his head. "I have no idea."

"So what else is new?" A feminine voice asked teasingly.

Ryoga glanced up from his seat at his desk to see Ukyo grinning down at him. Seeing her smiling brilliantly at him made him quickly forget to be annoyed by her comment.

"Hey, Akane," Ranma spoke up to the girl behind Ukyo, "I thought you were being held hostage."

"What?" Akane asked. She looked at Ukyo for help, but the okonomiyaki chef also looked confused. "What are you talking about, Ranma?" Akane asked, clearly irritated, having finally given up trying to figure this one out, alone.

"Read for yourself," Ryoga answered handing her the note.

Both girls quickly read the note between them. Akane's eyes narrowed in annoyance, and she didn't look too happy about the whole thing. But Ukyo merely burst out laughing. "Now THIS I gotta see." She said, wiping away a tear, from her laughter.

Managing to get out of class by getting thrown into the hall with buckets... again, the four left their buckets behind and headed into the gym. It was empty and dark, except for one spotlight in the middle. In that spotlight were two figures. On closer look it was Ukyo and Akane... tied up.

Well... Akane's hair was shorter and for some reason she had bags under her eyes. She also looked kind of pale... and sick...

Ukyo wasn't much better off. Her brown locks hung limp down her shoulders, looking like it was about to fall out at any minute. She also had buck teeth and resembled a chipmunk for some reason...

At least they had gotten the school uniforms right...

The minute they saw Ryoga and Ranma enter, 'Ukyo' and 'Akane' started screaming for 'help'. "Oh, help, me... Sao- I mean Ranma!" 'Akane' cried, in a high squeaky voice.

"We're so scared!" 'Ukyo' added, batting her eyes for emphasis.

Upon seeing this display of stupidity, Ukyo burst out laughing again. This time she actually had to lean against the door frame for support or she would have fallen down. "Oh, yeah. Mwa ha ha ha ha... This was snicker snicker worth it..."

Akane, on the other, hand looked even more annoyed and a little bit angry at this mockery. She stormed upon the stage and grabbed the other 'Akane's' dress. "How is THAT supposed to look like me!" She cried almost ripping her dress off.

But Gosunkugi didn't seem to mind. In fact he almost looked blissful. She... spoke to me...! I can now die a happy man!

Sasuke took this a little more seriously. He jumped back and took off the brown-haired wig. "So you saw through our disguises, eh? Well, no matter now. We got you now, Saotome and Hibiki." He chuckled evilly, as he pulled a lever.

Ryoga and Ranma watched, casually, as a trapdoor appeared under Gosunkugi and Akane. Both fell into the room below. "Yeah, we're sure you do, 'Ukyo'" Ryoga remarked dryly. Both he and Ranma shook their heads at how pathetic these guys were. They jumped onto the stage, followed by Ukyo, to check on Akane.

Sasuke just looked at the lever slightly confused, then to the trap door where his partner and innocent bystander once stood. "Drat, that wasn't supposed to happen." He remarked, before trying another lever.

With a yelp, Ukyo fell down the trapdoor she had been standing over. "Ukyo!" Ryoga hurried to the hole and peered down into it. "Are you okay?" A minute passed and he heard her give a muffled affirmative. Satisfied that his best friend was all right, Ryoga turned to Sasuke and glared at him. "What are you trying to pull?"

"The right lever." Sasuke replied. Hey, wasn't it obvious?

Sasuke was about to pull another lever, when he realized that Ryoga and Ranma weren't exactly standing next to each other anymore. "Oh, and can you guys please stand closer together?" He asked rather politely.

pika pika Ranma and Ryoga blinked as one, but they did as he said.

"A little to the right... no, your other right... too much... that's it... now can you take one step backwards... no you went too far... come closer... okay... a little more... and... perfect! Stay right where you are!" Sasuke happily pulled the last lever.

And he fell through the trapdoor he had been standing on.

Ryoga and Ranma sidled over to the trapdoor and peered below.

"Well, that wasn't supposed to happen, either..." They heard Sasuke's muffled sigh.

Ryoga looked at Ranma, and Ranma looked at Ryoga. They then both looked down the hole, before sighing as one.

They then made Sasuke and Gosunkugi's life easier by jumping into the trapdoor for them.

Landing lightly down in the hidden room below, they found that the two girls were already paying Sasuke and Gosunkugi back for this whole mess. Akane was busy kicking Sasuke in the ribs, having him penned down on the floor of the room, while Ukyo was busy banging Gosunkugi's head repeatedly with her spatula.

But Gosunkugi didn't seem to mind. Ah, she noticed me! Now, I know I'm in Heaven

The two boys just shook their heads at this scene. "So, uh, what were ya trying to do, anyway?" Ranma asked almost curious.

"That's what I would like to know," Ryoga added.

The girls were gracious enough to stop their beatings long enough to let the two bad guy-wanna be's have a chance to answer.

"Why don't you see for yourself, Saotome..." Sasuke chuckled, evilly while trying not to cough up blood.

"We know you're weakness... and now we're gonna use it against you..." Gosunkugi declared, while rubbing his aching head.

For the first time since this whole incident started, Ranma actually looked nervous. "My weakness...?" He repeated, trying to keep his nervousness out of his voice. Damn it, they must have seen me running from Shampoo! He thought, picturing the earlier scene of his scared running from Shampoo-cat with P-chan not too far behind. How am I gonna get out of this one? He glanced at Ryoga, who was also looking apprehensive. But all Ryoga could do was shrug, helplessly.

Sasuke and Gosunkugi, sensing the martial artists nervousness, smiled like the cat that had just caught the mouse. "Yes, your secret weakness..." Sasuke began.

"We know what you're afraid of, Saotome," Gosunkugi finished.

"I ain't afraid of nothing," Ranma declared, boldly. But already he could feel their furry bodies, feel their claws scrape against his flesh. He smelled the scent of fish sausage and heard their awful meowing and purring. Fear once again gripped him, as he relived once again the time and time again he had been thrown into a pit of these vile creatures. He remembered their clawing and biting. The feel of his own blood running down his body, and how the cats enjoyed it, even sipping at his own blood. It was all Ranma could do to keep himself from screaming in terror right then... And he knew suddenly that Sasuke and Gosunkugi were about to do this to him again...

"Oh, really?" The two planners said as one, knowing full well the answer. They were really enjoying themselves.

"Hey," Ukyo gasped, peering into the shadows of the darkened room. "What was that? I thought I saw something move..."

Ranma once again kept himself from screaming, but only just barely.

Ryoga squinted into the darkness watching for the first cat to come out and wondering what he could do to help Ranma when it did. He glanced nervously at the pigtailed martial artists and noticed how he was just barely keeping himself together. I have to do something, but what? He decided to venture forth into the darkness and to at least get an idea how many cats they would be dealing with . Grabbing his umbrella, he made his way into the darkness, and gasped. "What the hell, is this!" He shouted, angrily.

A light turned on and the small room was bathed with light. The small group of martial artists blinked, as their eyes adjusted to the sudden brightness, then gasped as they realized they were surrounded by...

Pigs. They were trapped in a room full of pigs.

Ranma let loose the breath he didn't know he had been holding, and burst out in hysterical laughing. "You thought... You thought, I was afraid of PIGS? He continued to laugh hysterically, while everyone else looked at him, completely confused. Ryoga just looked at the pigs with disgust and moved away from them, as he turned off his flashlight.

"I... I... don't understand," Gosunkugi gasped. "We saw him running in terror from that black piglet! Why isn't he afraid now?"

Sasuke just sighed. "Well, it looks like it's back to the drawing board. Master Kuno's gonna love this..."

"Well, it's been real fun, but I guess we'd better be going now." Ryoga said, making it clear he had not been having fun. He grabbed the still laughing Ranma and leaped out of the little room. Akane and Ukyo soon followed, leaving Sasuke and Gosunkugi in the room of pigs.

When Kuno finally showed up to witness the defeat of his archenemies, the school janitor made him help the two clean the room up. It had become a pig sty. Kuno of course, wasn't happy about this, and he didn't want to hear another word of Saotome and Hibiki's weaknesses.

This didn't bother Sasuke or Gosunkugi any, but they did make plans to meet for a day of bowling or something in the near future.

The girls still laughed about the pig incident once in awhile, but neither had fully understood what Sasuke and Gosunkugi had been trying to do. They both agreed that it had been one of the more interesting days at Furinkan High.

Meanwhile, Ranma and Ryoga looked back at this day with relief. Ranma's secret weakness was still a secret, and with any luck it would stay that way. If anything this even had made the two become even closer friends. Though neither would admit it if someone should ask them.

So life was good once again... little did they know that a troll was coming to Nerima, and life would never be the same...

Next time on Spatulas and Bandannas, Who is this troll? And what does it want in Nerima?  
Find out in Chapter Twelve..

All characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi not me! 


	13. Attack of the Old Ghoul from China!

N/A: One of my pet peeves in Ranma 1/2 fanfiction is when the writer makes Cologne more evil than she really is... comeon, that role is pure Happosai! I actually like Cologne... just think how boring the series would have been without her? Plus if it weren't for her, Ranma wouldn't have half ofthe cool techniques he possesed. And she was nice enough to teach them to him, ulterior motive or not!

Hopefully in my portrayal of Cologne, you can still tell she's doing all this for her cute grandaughter, and not cause she's the embodiment of all that is evil..

Besides, I just love calling her a "dried up old monkey" :)

Spatulas and Bandannas by Shikoku

Chapter Twelve: Attack of the Old Ghoul from China!

Shampoo hummed to herself as she waited on tables. When she had first thought of setting up a restaurant here in Japan, she had been skeptical about whether she'd like waiting on people, after all she was the best warrior at home, not a common servant, but she had found that she actually enjoyed running a business and serving others. And all the cat calls she received from the male customers reminded her of home.

Men don't change much no matter what country you are in She thought as she went to start cooking an order in the little kitchen behind the dining room.

Still, though she did enjoy it, she couldn't wait for her great grandmother to arrive to help with the work load, then she'd have time to try to win her husband... and maybe even track down that girl she had given the kiss of death to. Hmm, it shouldn't be long now.. She glanced at the wall calendar to see that day was circled with 'Great-grandmother come' scrawled in the little space.

Shampoo wondered if Nerima was ready for her..

"Ranma! Prepare to die!" Ranma ducked just as an umbrella hit the wall behind him. But Ryoga was unfazed by his miss and continued swinging his umbrella at the pigtailed martial artist. Ranma desperately dodged each swing before ducking under a wide swing to the head and tackling the bandanna clad martial artist to the ground.

Ryoga fell backward and landed on his back with Ranma sitting on his stomach, effectively penning him.

"So, Ryoga... Do you surrender?" Ranma laughed, his pigtail falling into Ryoga's face.

Ryoga spit the pigtail out of his face and glared up at him. "Never! I'm not beaten yet!"

Ranma smirked at him. "Yeah right, Ryoga. I'm sure you can somehow magically beat me." He laughed imagining Ryoga in a sailor suit, while holding a moon wand.

Ryoga scowled. "I can too still beat you." He shouted, and proved this point by swiftly bringing his legs up to knee Ranma in the butt. Ranma flew over Ryoga and nosedived into the street. Ryoga jumped back up to his feet and prepared for another attack.

Ranma, too, quickly got up and faced his opponent. The two started circling each other before they dove in to attack.

Ranma aimed a punch at Ryoga's head, but Ryoga caught his fist. Ranma then tried the other fist, but Ryoga caught that one, too. Ryoga smirked at Ranma as the two became locked in a strength contest. This was where Ryoga had Ranma beat.

But Ranma surprised the other boy by kicking him in the stomach. Ryoga doubled over in pain, while the pigtailed boy laughed at him.

"Grrr, Ranma, you're gonna get it..." Ryoga threatened still grasping for breath.

Ranma still laughing jumped onto the nearby fence. "You'll have to catch me first, Pig boy!" He then stuck out his tongue and lowered his right eye... and we mustn't forget the sound effect. "NIIIYYYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAA!" Still laughing Ranma took off running down the street.

Ryoga growled and ran after him... promptly getting lost.

It wasn't until Ranma was a block away, that he finally realized that Ryoga wasn't following him. Gazing at the empty street behind him he got a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. "Uh, oh, where did he go?" He muttered. Knowing Ryoga, almost anywhere.

Fearing for his life, (for if Ukyo found out that he had lost Ryoga she'd kill him) Ranma began to retrace his steps until he returned to where he last saw the lost boy. Ryoga wasn't there.

"Damn it," he muttered.

Cold water showered over him, and he changed into a she. She turned and saw this little old lady pouring water all over the sidewalk.

"Double Damn it," She muttered, again. It was bad enough having a lost boy on her hands, but a lost pig? And in the restaurant district to boot?

Ranma-chan didn't see Ryoga's clothes lying around, but she was sure that the pig-boy was in his cursed form by now, especially with a lady throwing water around. How did she know? The Jusenkyo cursed just know these things.

So Ranma-chan started her looking, just knowing that today wasn't her day.

Shampoo heard the bell above the restaurant's door jingle. Smiling brightly, she turned to greet her new customer. "Nihao, and welcome to.." But then she dropped the waitress act and broke out in a genuine smile. "Hiya! Great grandmother! You here early!"

Shampoo's great grandmother was a dried up old monkey. ...Wait, I meant she LOOKED like a dried up old monkey. She was as wrinkled as a potato put in a microwave for too long, as shrunken as a 'dry clean only' blouse after going through the dryer... As ugly as...

Cologne glared at the author and WHAMMO! clobbered her over the head with the staff she used as transportation. "You should respect your elders, child."

Ouch... Okay, okay, geesh, you weren't supposed to hear that... The author snickers as she plans to do something really evil to the old bag by the end of this series.. but then quickly goes back to the story.

Cologne was really, really old.

"That's better, though it could have done without the extra 'really'." Cologne sniffed, before returning her gaze to the confused Shampoo. "Hello, child. I see you are doing well with the restaurant."

"Hiya!" Shampoo glowed with pride at the compliment.

"But you could use some help with nabbing stubborn husbands and killing obnoxious girls."

"Hiya..." Shampoo deflated slightly. 

"But it doesn't matter. I'm here to help you, now."

"Hiya!" Shampoo brightened up, again.

"Just let me unpack..." She continued as she made her way to the living quarters behind the restaurant. "Oh, and don't worry about dinner. I found a plump juicy piglet just outside the restaurant...""

Shampoo then noticed the damp, squirming, squealing piglet Cologne had grasped in her tiny but strong hands. "Now why did pig look familiar?" Shampoo wondered.

But before she can figure it out, Cologne disappeared into kitchen, taking the piglet with her.

P-chan continued right on squealing, as he watched Cologne prepared him for dinner. "Ah, quit squirming. It will be over before you know it." Cologne had said.

That thought didn't make P-chan feel any better. He squealed louder as Cologne once again grasped him by the bandanna and dangled him over the boiling pot...

"Hiya..." Shampoo gasped. Now realizing where she saw a plump juicy piglet like that before, she cried out and burst into the kitchen. "Great grandmother! No, can eat! Pig husband!"

"What, is it child?" Cologne turned to her.

But it was too late. She had let go of the pig, and he fell into the pot. Then changed into a naked Ryoga. HO HO HO HO HO HO! I knew I'd get him naked again sooner or later..

Ahh, too bad... Cologne's blocking all the good parts.

"AAAUUUUGGGHHHHHH! HOT! HOT! HOT!" Ryoga leaped about.

Shampoo, not even bothering to admire anything, promptly glomped him. "Airon all right!"

Ryoga stopped his dancing and laughed, weakly.

Cologne's eyes just got big. ...Wait, that's how they always are... Oh, well, she was fairly surprised to see that her dinner was the son- in- law she had been hearing about, but she can live with that. She did appreciate the view, though... "Hello, Son in Law." She said, between Shampoo's cooing.

Ryoga paused as he tried to push Shampoo away from him. "What? Son in Law! Who are you! You tried to cook me!"

Cologne cracked a wrinkled smile. "Sorry about that. My great granddaughter hadn't informed me that you, too, are Jusenkyo cursed. I must confess Shampoo has great taste in men. You are quite the looker."

Ryoga paled, considerably at that remark, but he did catch part of what the old bat was saying. "Great granddaughter?"

Shampoo loosened her tight hold on him, long enough to say: "This Shampoo Great Grandmother from China."

"Yes, I am here to see that Shampoo marries the man that had defeated her in combat."

"That was an accident! I don't want to marry anybody right now!" Ryoga protested.

But that did no good. "Oh, yes, you are. I'm not going to see 300 years of amazon history broken because of you." "Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, but there is no way I'm marrying her."

Ryoga continued as he broke loose from Shampoo's hold and ran towards his clothes, which Cologne had conveniently brought in with her.

With the speed of someone who cares for his modesty, Ryoga pulled on his clothes (Rats :) ) and bolted for the door... OR what he thought was the door.

"Why is he heading for our closet?" Cologne asked Shampoo.

Shampoo sweatdropped in answer. "Airon good fighter, not to mention hunky man. Directions he good with not." (Gee, she sounds like Yoda there.. Eh. shrug) 

They both sweatdropped as shouts of. "WHERE IS THE STUPID EXIT?" could be heard from deep within their living quarters.

Ranma-chan was still busy searching the area for Ryoga. "Oh, Ryoga! Where are you, stupid!" She sighed and paused in her searching to think for a moment. Yes, Ranma does do that sometimes. Where can he be? He couldn't have gone far... Wait a minute this is Ryoga I'm talking about. Yes, he could. She sighed and cursed him under her breath.

Wait, I must keep a clear head about this. It's not too late to save my hide from Ukyo... I mean find Ryoga before he gets too lost... Now where would be the most unluckiest of places for Ryoga to be right now... She hit her fist against her palm when it hit her. She then took off running towards the Nekohanten.

Ryoga had finally made it out of the living quarters of the Nekohanten. Now he was having trouble with the restaurant area. "I could have sworn I passed by this table before." he muttered to himself.

"That's because you have," The annoyed looking man sitting at his table informed him. "FIVE TIMES ALREADY!"

Ryoga laughed, nervously and played with his bandanna. You know his cute embarrassed look? "Heh, heh, sorry." But inside he was frustrated with himself. Why can't I ever find my way anywhere!

Cologne hopped over to him on her staff. "Why don't you give up and marry my Shampoo?"

Ryoga turned red in anger. "No way!"

Tears filled Shampoo's eyes, and the look she gave Ryoga was heart wrenching. "Airon no want marry Shampoo?"

Ryoga freaked out upon seeing he had hurt her. "N- NO! What I meant was... I didn't mean to... I'm sor-"

But Shampoo didn't listen, and sobbing, she ran out of the restaurant.

Ryoga cursed under his breath and ran after her.

Cologne just sighed, as she watched them leave. There was no doubt about it. Her great granddaughter was good. If she kept this up she may win him, but was he worth it? His sense of direction may prove to be hindering in the future. But if he would make Shampoo happy, Cologne was willing to do all that it takes to nab this man for her. She hopped out after them.

Shampoo kept on running with Ryoga right after her. Secretly, she smiled to see him so concerned about her. She had no doubt in her mind that he will be hers. After all what man can resist womens from amazons village?

It wasn't until she reached the end of the street before she stopped. She sighed in relief to hear him come to a stop, too, for she had been careful not to lose him. There she paused before finally turning to face him, making sure she looked especially delicate and vulnerable.

"Airon hate Shampoo, yes?" She asked, her voice wavering.

Ryoga's beautiful dark eyes widened, and he started stuttering. "I... I don't hate you... Sham... Shampoo... I just... I don't... I like..."

Shampoo heard enough. "Airon! Wo ai ni!" She cried and glomped him before he could say anything she wouldn't like. She smiled as she felt him tense under her embrace, but she wasn't worried. You'll get used to this.

She watched over Ryoga's shoulder as Cologne finally caught up with them. Shampoo couldn't help but feel proud of the way she had Ryoga in her grasp, and now the woman she respected above all others was here to see it. "Hiya," She whispered and tightened her hold on him, ignoring the choking noises Ryoga was making.

Then an all too familiar voice broke the mood.

"Geeze, Ryoga, if Ukyo catches you like this, you'll be a dead man!"

Shampoo looked up to see that, yes indeed it was the girl she was supposed to be killing. "Girl-type Ranma.." She growled.

Ranma's grin disappeared, when she realized that she was in her girl form in front of Shampoo. "Eep..." was all she managed to gasp out, before Shampoo lunged at her with bombari in hand. "Girl-type Ranma, die!" the 'only minutes before' cute girl shouted at the pigtailed girl. Ranma-chan didn't get the chance to run, before she was beamed on the head. She had no choice, so she fought back.

Ryoga was just getting used to being able to breath, again, when Cologne hopped up next to him. "So this is the girl my granddaughter has a hard time finding, let alone killing...?"

Ryoga could only nod, before cringing as he saw Ranma-chan deliver a nasty kick to Shampoo's head, which threw the amazon woman back. "Leave me alone!" She shouted...Ranma-chan, not Shampoo.

She then received a beating, as Cologne charged into the fight. Ryoga and a slightly wounded Shampoo watched in fascination as the two women fought, but it was obvious that Cologne was the better of the two. Once again, the old hag caught Ranma in the chest and flung her against a building. "You can run, outsider woman, but you can never escape the price you paid against the amazons." Cologne aimed her staff at Ranma's chest about to make the killing blow, when something caught her attention to the side. She immediately reacted, as Ryoga aimed a punch at her, easily sidestepping him.

But Ryoga turned and faced her again, an angry expression on his face. "You won't hurt him. Get away, Ranma! I'll handle her." 

Ranma-chan coughed up blood as she struggled to stand. "No way, man! This is my fight, Ryoga!" She answered, stubbornly.

But Ryoga was stubborn, too. "Not anymore. You'll just get yourself killed. Let me handle this!"

Ranma-chan sighed but nodded. With one last glare at both Cologne and Shampoo, she turned and left, heading towards the Uuchans.

Once she was gone, Ryoga turned his attention back to the aged amazon.

Cologne just chuckled. "Quite the fighter, aren't we?" She asked almost pleasantly. "It's no matter. Shampoo must be the one to kill that girl." She put emphasis on the word 'girl', but nobody seemed to notice.

"I've had enough of you," Ryoga shouted at her, before charging at her. He punched and kicked with all the skill he had, but he wasn't able to land a single blow on her. Cologne just kept dodging and weaving out of his way. Finally, she struck back, completely throwing the lost boy off his feet and into the same building Ranma-chan had been thrown into earlier.

But unlike Ranma-chan, Ryoga got up right away. "You'll have to do better than that, Granny," Ryoga growled, before charging at her again. Again, Ryoga punched and kicked at her, but again Cologne ducked and dodged away from each hit. At one point she sidestepped... or would it be sidehopped, since she was still balancing on her staff? Eh, doesn't matter, she managed to get away just as Ryoga punched, causing him to hit a nearby defenseless brick wall, which crumbled to itty bitty pieces. Ryoga watched as it crumbled, huffing and puffing, basically completely out of breath.

Cologne also gazed at the mess he had made. "Hmmm, not bad. You're not very fast, but you do have some strength and endurance in you, I'll give you that. Maybe some day, you would stand a chance at defeating me." She chuckled, at that idea. "My great granddaughter must have known what she was doing when she chose you for a husband, after all."

"What are you getting at!" Ryoga shouted, not having any more patience for her talk.

"Just this," Cologne answered, gravely. "You will marry my Shampoo. One way or the other." She then poked Ryoga in the chest with her staff, before, with Shampoo in tow, she hopped away, cackling to herself.

Ryoga blinked. What had just happened? He wondered. When Ukyo, Akane, and Ranma-chan, finally came running up, they found him still staring after the long gone amazons.

"What's the matter, Ryo-chan?" Ukyo asked, obviously concerned.

Ryoga just shrugged, wondering why he had this feeling that he was about to go through hell again.

Next time on Spatulas and Bandannas: What has Cologne done to Ryoga? Will Shampoo ever find out the secret of the mysterious Pigtailed girl?

Find out on Spatulas and Bandannas 13. 


	14. Things Get More Complicated

A/N: Can you tell I keep going out of my way to show that Akane still has long hair in this story? I prefer her with short hair, but the long haired Akane truly screams out "Alternate Reality" fic to me. :)

Spatulas and Bandannas by Shikoku

Chapter Thirteen: Things Get More Complicated

"So she came to make sure that I would marry her great granddaughter.." Ryoga finished explaining to Ukyo, Akane and Ranma the deal on Nerima's newest trouble maker.

Ukyo slammed her fist down next to her stove. "I can't believe that hussy! Actually dragging her relatives into this! Will she ever quit?"

"I doubt it" Ranma-chan answered between munching on her third helping of okonomiyaki. "From what I've seen of those amazons, they are incredibly stubborn."

Both Ukyo and Ryoga nodded sagely at this, having their own experiences to learn from.

Akane shook her head, her long ponytail swinging with the motion. She still didn't completely understand what was going on. "It all just seems so silly to me. Why have these laws to begin with?"

Ranma shrugged. "All I could think of was that amazons hate losing. Oh, Uuchan, is the hot water ready yet?" She wanted to get out of her girl form before Shampoo decided to drop by.

Ukyo turned from her place behind the grill and lightly touched the heating kettle on her stove. "Hmmm, it seems to only be lukewarm, but I think it's hot enough to change you back." She carefully picked it up and passed it to Ryoga. "Can you pass this to her, sugar?"

Ryoga nodded, absentmindedly. He had been trying to figure out what Cologne had meant by her last statement. Still in thought, he reached for the kettle, and screamed upon grasping it. "AUGH! HOT! HOT! HOT! " He shouted, clutching his hand like he had burned it.

The other people in the restaurant, including his friends, all stared at him, shocked. Ukyo leaped over the stove with a wet cloth and tied it around his hand. "Are you okay, Ryo-chan!" She asked, extremely worried. 

"The water was BOILING!" Ryoga gasped out, as he clutched the rag to his throbbing hand. He glanced at it and saw that it was now turning red.

Ranma carefully poked at the fallen kettle. "It feels okay to me." To illustrate her point, she poured the water over her, changing back into a guy. "See, no problem."

Ukyo nodded. "The water HAD been only lukewarm."

Ryoga couldn't believe that. "That was far from Lukewarm, Uuchan." What was going on?

His answer came in the form of an old ghoul.

Hearing raspy chuckling, they turned towards the entrance to Uuchan's to see Cologne standing there, balancing on her staff. "What's the matter Future Son-in-law? Too hot for you?"

"Future son-in-law?" Ukyo snorted. "You wish."

"What did you do to me, Old Woman!" Ryoga shouted at the aged amazon.

"I just hit a certain pressure point located on your body. You are suffering from The Cat Tongue, an ancient amazon secret. You're whole body is now as sensitive as a cat's tongue. This means that even the most tempid of water will feel like it is boiling to you." Cologne grinned, enjoying this explanation a bit too much.

Ryoga paled considerably, as did Ukyo, Ranma, and Akane.

"That means..." Ukyo gasped out.

"He can't..." Ranma attempted to finish her sentence.

"Change back if he turned into a pig!" Akane finished for the both of them.

I wouldn't be able to change back! Ryoga groaned, as he fell to his knees.

I could get stuck as a pig! He gritted his teeth and tried not to cry.

Forever. With that Ryoga broke into a thousand pieces... Well, not really, but that's what it felt like to him.

Cologne continued to laugh. "I would advise you to stay away from cold water for the rest of your life, Son-in-law If you get turned into your cursed form you won't be able to take the hot water needed to change back. Then you will spend the remainder of your life as a farm animal... Unless you agree to marry Shampoo. Think it over." And with that Cologne turned and hopped away, leaving Ryoga to continue staring at the ground with a stunned expression on his face. He didn't even hear Ukyo try to reassure him that everything would be all right. 

Ryoga was still out of it, as Dr. Tofu poked and prodded at his body.

"Is he going to be okay, Doctor?" Ukyo asked anxiously. "Can you do anything?"

Dr. Tofu didn't answer her but continued to hmmm to himself.

"Don't worry, Uuchan," Akane said reassuringly. "Dr. Tofu's the best!" She gazed at the young doctor with eyes full of admiration and complete confidence in him. She knew that her small crush on him would never be returned by him, due to his own interest in her sister, but she still thought highly of him.

"Yeah," Ranma agreed. "If there's a problem, Doc, can fix it!"

"I can't fix this." Dr. Tofu finally spoke up.

"What!" Three heads turned to him in disbelief. Ryoga still remained staring at the floor, oblivious to his surroundings.

The doctor sighed. "The Cat's Tongue pressure point is very powerful and not used often. I'm not sure that there even is a known cure for it. Whoever did this must be very good. This pressure point is hard to reach."

"Ryoga's going to have to avoid water forever?" Ukyo asked, sadly.

But Akane's faith in the doctor couldn't be easily shattered. "Oh, Dr. Tofu, are you sure there's nothing you can do?"

Dr. Tofu looked thoughtful. "Well... maybe... there's something I can do... But I'll have to research this further."

"Oh, Dr. Tofu! That'll be great!" Akane cried happily. She knew he could do it. She just knew it.

Just then the phone rang. Dr. Tofu answered it and found that it was Kasumi.

With Ryoga in tow, Ukyo, Ranma, and Akane left Dr. Tofu, who was now babbling nonsense to the confused but still pleasant eldest Tendo daughter. +

Ryoga was a little better by the end of school the next day. Finally, he had snapped out of the shocked state he had been in and was now thinking about his problem. He had managed to avoid water of any kind so far, though he had a good number of close calls. But there is no way I can avoid water for the rest of my life. Besides he'd end up smelling like a...pig. But what can I do? I can't marry Shampoo! Certainly, he had thought about it, but he knew he wouldn't be able to do it. He just couldn't. He glanced at Ukyo as she walked beside him, subtly guiding him home. No, marrying Shampoo is definitely out... Maybe he could beat the cure out of Cologne. He then remembered being repeatedly thrown against a brick wall, and decided that might not be so great an idea.

But it would be better than spending the remainder of his life as a pig.

He sighed. Why me?

Suddenly, the air was filled with bicycle bells, as Shampoo flew into the scene on top of her delivery bike. "Nihao!" She called cheerfully to Ryoga, as she landed gracefully on top of Ranma's head. "Aiya! Airon still man?" She asked.

Ukyo glared at her, and gripped her mega spatula. "No thanks to you and that witch you call a great grandmother."

Shampoo shrugged. "Great grandmother do what's best for Shampoo." The purple-haired beauty then preceded to ignore Ukyo, instead focusing her attention back to her reluctant husband. "Ryoga marry Shampoo, yes?"

Before Ryoga could answer, however, Shampoo was unexpectantly glomped from behind. "Oh, Mysterious Purple haired girl!" Kuno crooned. "How I've longed for your return! Come marry me and we shall dine on each other's affection."

Shampoo saw red, then proceeded to beat the you know what out of Kuno. Shouts of: "What you doing!", "Let go, Pervert boy, "Shampoo kill!", and "No can touch Shampoo there," and screams of pain could be heard coming from the cloud of dust. Some of the onlookers cringed upon hearing certain bones snap and the like.

Even Ryoga cringed at an especially loud crunch. "That one had to hurt."

Ukyo snorted. "Eh, he deserved it. I just wish I had been the one to do it."

Both Ranma and Akane, who had been standing off to the side, nodded in agreement.

"Why Son-in-law," an all too familiar raspy voice piped up from behind the group. They all turned as one surprised (well, maybe they were starting to get used to it by now) at the old lady's arrival. "I can see that you still have managed to avoid cold water. Good for you, but how long will it last?"

Ryoga growled. "That's IT! I'VE HAD ALL THAT I CAN TAKE OF YOU, OLD WOMAN!" Ryoga shouted losing his temper, just as gracefully as he had before finally making friends with Ranma. To show he meant business, Ryoga grabbed the closest heavy object... which happened to be a large telephone pole. Many onlookers gasped in shock at their classmate's great strength, and even Cologne's eyes grew a little bigger, when he threw the thing at her.

She still managed to avoid it, though.

But it was now headed for that strange figure that was flying towards them...

"Hey, WATCH OUT!" Ranma shouted to what he now recognized to be a man.

The strange man didn't appear to hear them as he advanced towards the pole. He was just about to collide when, faster than the crowd could follow he cut the large pole into smaller pieces. The really amazing thing about this fact was that the crowd also didn't see him use a weapon to do this. So without getting smashed after all, the man landed gracefully on his feet. Ranma could now see that he was a tall boy that appeared to be about his age. He was dressed in long robes with a pattern of colorful squares on his chest. The boy also had long black hair and blue eyes.

He stood there silently for a couple of seconds before pieces of the broken pole finally fell on top of him.

"Do you think he's dead?" Hiroshi asked Daisuke, who just shook his head.

But the boy did get up. He then proceeded to glomp Ranma. "Shampoo!" He cried, happily.

"Who you calling Shampoo?" Ranma shouted as he front kicked the strange boy away from him.

The boy, then proceeded to pull out the thickest pair of glasses that Ranma had ever seen and peered at him with them. Then without another word, the boy kneed Ranma in the chin.

"What did you do THAT for?" Ranma shouted, upon recovering.

"You weren't my Shampoo!" The man answered.

Now that one makes sense, don't it?

By this time everyone snapped out of their shock, upon seeing this new interesting person poke his nose into Nerima. Even Ryoga, Ukyo, and Shampoo all finally broke out of their frozen state and all began talking at once. Well, except for Shampoo, who was now slowly backing away before she could be noticed.

"Mousse!" Ryoga cried, wearing a fang toothed grin. "It's great to see you, buddy!"

"What on earth are you doing in Nerima, sugar?" Ukyo looked just as happy to see the boy.

The boy, or Mousse, turned and peered at them through his glasses. He too also broke out into a huge smile. "Ryoga Hibiki! Ukyo Kuanji! It is a pleasure to see you again!" Well, he couldn't really SEE them. He could make out their shapes though blurry they may be, but you know what I mean...

The three began chatting, and teasing each other, basically acting like they just been reunited for the first time in a long time, which I guess they had..

Meanwhile, Ranma and Akane recovered from their newfound shock.

"Ryoga... You actually... know this weirdo?" Ranma stuttered.

"Ukyo... Who's your friend..." Akane asked at about the same time."

"I'm called Mousse," the boy smiled as he folded his hands inside his giant sleeves.

"See, we met him while Ryoga and I were searching for you..."

Yeah, I know, I know, another flashback Ryoga and Ukyo were walking on their way to the next town. Unfortunately a dark cloud was above them, and they didn't think they were going to make it to shelter before the rain would come. Ryoga had already whipped out his umbrella just in case that happened.

Ukyo sighed, as she (Though she still dressed as a boy at the moment) peered ahead in hopes of discovering a house or something. Nothing. "It doesn't look good, sugar."

"There has to be some kind of shelter somewhere." Ryoga muttered. He too glanced around, as if Ukyo might have missed something. Again, nothing.

"Told you," Ukyo smirked, lightly. She grabbed his arm and began pulling him in a general direction. "Come on, there's nothing we can do but keep walking."

They were making pretty good time. (The rain hadn't come yet, but they could see flashes of lightning and hear thunder in the distance.) when one flash of lightning illuminated an old barn in the distance. "The gods must be smiling down upon us!" Ryoga cried with a huge grin on his face.

Ukyo was smiling too, though she hadn't been as desperate as her companion to keep out of the rain. But she good naturedly let Ryoga grab her by the arm and pull her into the barn with great speed. At least faster than Ryoga usually was. Ukyo had vowed to help him with his speed and defensive skills in combat, if he would teach her how to fight without a weapon.

Once inside the barn, the two glanced back to see that the rain burst out all at once in a heavy downpour.

"Made it, just in time..." Ryoga sighed in relief as he closed his umbrella.

"My thoughts, exactly," a voice answered from behind them. Ryoga and Ukyo turned to see a boy sitting in the far corner of the barn eating a bowl of ramen by a lamp.

"So, you're from China?" Ukyo eyed Mousse curiously as she offered him another okonomiyaki.

Mousse grinned, as he accepted the offered food. He had been so tired of instant ramen. He knew how to cook real meals, but he hadn't had access to real cook wear for a long time. "Yes."

"What brings you to Japan, then?" Ryoga asked between slurping up his ramen noodles. Mousse may have been tired of ramen, but Ryoga welcomed the change from okonomiyaki. He was kind of getting tired of having it for every meal. But don't tell Ukyo that.

"I'm looking for this girl I love. Her name is Shan pu, perhaps you have seen her?" He looked at the two, hopefully.

Ryoga and Ukyo looked at each other, but then shook their heads. They hadn't really met any girls on their trip, unless you count that crazy amazon, but Mousse couldn't possibly be referring to her.

Mousse sighed in disappointment, but then tried again. "She came to Japan to find this red-haired girl, perhaps you know her?" It was a longshot, but Mousse was getting desperate. He wanted to catch up as soon as possible with his darling Shan pu.

"Nope, never heard of her either." Ryoga stated.

"Hope you find them, Mousse," Ukyo added.

"Yes, I do, too." the Chinese boy sighed.

"So that's how we met, Mousse," Ukyo finished her tail.

Their audience oohed and ahhed, as if they really cared how their classmates met this strange new guy. Cologne was particularly touched. "What a nice reunion," she said. Whether she actually meant it or not can be anybody's guess.

Surprisingly enough, Mousse recognized her, but it was probably just by her voice. "What? The Old Mummy's here too?" But before Cologne could whap him for that comment, he quickly switched gears. "And that must mean Shampoo is here after all! SHAMPOO!" He cried joyfully as he glomped... Ukyo.

"Uh, Mousse...?" Ukyo stated tapping him on the head. "Your Shampoo's behind you."

Sure outside she was calm, but inside she was truly shocked. Mousse likes the purple-haired bimbo! How can any guy stand her, let alone poor Mousse? She wasn't too thrilled with this develpoment... except... If I can get Mousse matched up with Shampoo, I could... I mean Shampoo will stop bugging my buddy... Ukyo's mind was already turning, as she started coming up with a couple of matchmaking schemes for the future.

Meanwhile, Mousse had let go of her and turned to finally face the girl he had been searching for. "Shampoo! How I've waited to be reunited with you!" He lunged to glomp her but instead he got her foot, as she kicked him away from her. "Stupid Mousse, you only stupid friend from child times!"

Cologne nodded from her place balancing on her staff. "She's right Mousse, didn't Shampoo already reject you?"

"That was only when we were three years old!" Mousse cried. He couldn't believe how stupid the amazon rules were sometimes. He already knew what was coming next.

"You know the rules, " Cologne answered. Mousse just knew she was going to say that. But Cologne continued. "Besides Shampoo has already found her future husband..." Mousse didn't expect to hear that.

"WHAT? WHO IS HE! I'LL KILL HIM!"

Cologne just pointed with her staff. Mousse turned and saw this purple blur all over this yellow one. He put on his glasses and saw HIS Shampoo hanging all over his friend Ryoga. His EX friend Ryoga.

"Ryoga, you lying, woman stealing jerk! I'll never forgive you for this! I thought you were my friend!" A battle aura flickered around the enraged amazon male. If looks could kill...

Ryoga glanced up, as he still tried to push Shampoo off of him. "Huh?"

Ukyo sighed. She might have to come up with a couple of different plans, now...

Next time on Spatulas and Bandannas: Uh, oh, what's Ryoga going to do now, when Mousse is ready to kill him? Can they work this out without resorting to violence? (And can pigs fly?) And what about Ryoga's Cat's Tongue curse?  
Find out on Spatulas and Bandannas chapter Fourteen. The fun's just beginning, trust me. G

All Characters owned by Rumiko Takahashi. 


	15. The Pig versus The Duck Kind of

N/A: I wonder which would really win in real life in a fight between a duck and a piglet...

Spatulas and Bandannas by Shikoku

Chapter Fourteen: The Pig versus The Duck (Kind of)

Ryoga watched still greatly confused as Mousse was all but ready to rip his head off. What did I do? He tried to get Shampoo to loosen her grip on him, but it was no use. Suddenly, Ryoga's brain just made a connection that everybody but him had already noticed. Wait a minute... That's it! He doesn't like the fact that Shampoo is all over me... But why... Hey, didn't he say he was looking for a girl named 'Shan pu' earlier? He stopped, realizing what an idiot he could be sometimes. Shampoo IS Shan pu. Why didn't I see that before? Ryoga now realized how much trouble he really was in.

Mousse was definitely not looking too happy. "Curse you Ryoga Hibiki! You tell me you haven't seen my beautiful Shampoo, but then go with her behind my back! Prepare to fight!" He then lunged at the lost boy , who couldn't dodge very well with a purple-haired amazon on his back. A loud clang could be heard as Ryoga was flung backwards and crashed into the wall. Shampoo had escaped his fate by choosing to let go of her hold on him, a little too late for Ryoga to save himself, but plenty of time for her to escape getting hit. She at least showed some concern for him, as he lay slightly dazed- that was definitely NOT a fist that just hit him. "Ryoga okay?" She asked, which was probably a poor question to ask, since it was quite obvious Ryoga was hurting. "Be careful, Mousse practice dark magic. He have many tricks."

"That is true." Mousse agreed, as he pushed his glasses back up his nose, grinning arrogantly to see Ryoga take his punishment for betraying him. "You have just witnessed my greatest technique. Just as a swan gracefully glides across the waters, it conceals its thrashing legs, so do I conceal my weapons. I am the Master of the Hidden Weapons! Fist of the White Swan!" He cried aiming a punch at Ryoga again, but this time Ryoga was ready. Quickly, he lashed out with a vicious kick that knocked away the hidden swan-shaped training potty from within Mousse's hidden sleeves.

The onlookers stared at the training potty in shock. "Oh, yeah, that was definitely an insult." Daisuke observed. Hiroshi nodded, sagely. "Too true." Like they would know.

Ukyo finally took this time to interrupt her two friends 'discussion'. "Mousse, you don't understand! Ryoga doesn't care about Shampoo!"

Shampoo scowled at her. "What you know, Stupid spatula girl!"

Mousse was too mad to believe her, too. "Oh, what are you trying to say, Ukyo Kuanji? Shampoo's not good enough for him? I will punish you too for this great insult!"

Ryoga was now beginning to get angry. "Now wait a minute, Mousse, if you're going to be fighting anybody here it'll be me! I didn't do nothing to you, but there's no way I'm gonna let you be threatening Uuchan!" The girls in their audience all sighed romantically at this statement, while the boys groaned. Even Ukyo looked touched at what Ryoga had said. Does he really mean that?

However, Mousse looked slightly sick because of Ryoga's statement. (It didn't help that Mousse still thought that Ukyo was a boy. Remember, Ukyo had been dressing like a boy, when she and Ryoga met Mousse. Mousse was probably too blind to notice that Ukyo was now wearing a dress, or he didn't realize that that girl was Ukyo. Who knows?) "You are sick, Hibiki. Fine then, we'll fight! It will be a duel among men, if I win you will give up..."

Cologne managed to butt in before he could make Shampoo the prize of this little competition. "Shampoo's spoken for."

Mousse paused, momentarily stumped. He then shrugged and pointed to the closest woman that looked like she meant something to Ryoga. He was pointing at Ukyo. "Fine then this woman shall be the prize." A spatula clobbered him on the head after this declaration.

"I AIN'T NOBODY'S PRIZE, YOU JACKASS!" Ukyo cried. How dare he even suggest such a thing.

pika pika Mousse blinked, recognizing that voice. "Kuanji! Why are you wearing a dress?"

pika pika Ukyo and even Ryoga blinked at this one. "You mean he doesn't know, yet...?" Ryoga stuttered.

"I am a girl, you moron!" Ukyo yelled, tired of this whole situation.

"Oh," Mousse had to think about that one, but he quickly pulled himself back together, again. "Well, that doesn't matter, what matters is that we fight!"

"Right," Ryoga agreed. "I'm ready anytime and anywhere... Well almost anywhere..." He amended, remembering his sense of direction.

Cologne finally spoke up, again. "Wait, wait, shouldn't a fight between two men be more formal? Why not hold a formal fight noon tomorrow at the school?"

Ryoga cracked his knuckles. "Sounds good to me."

Mousse nodded. "Me too."

"Good, then it's decided," Cologne grinned.

Ukyo noticed the old woman's smile and shuddered. Why do I have a bad feeling about this? 

Life can be ironic sometimes, can it? Or maybe a little moronic... shrug Depends on how you look at it...

Anyway, at Uuchan's Okonomiyaki, Ukyo was busy behind the grill trying to keep up with the busy lunch crowd. While she was cooking, Ranma and Akane were trying to help P-chan... Yes, P-chan...

As can be expected, Ryoga couldn't avoid water forever, and he had been nailed finally on his way home to Uuchan's. Stupid old woman who pours water on the street... The pig thought darkly. He had been enraged when he was splashed by her, almost as mad as Ukyo had been. Ukyo might have actually killed the woman if Ranma and Akane hadn't of been there to stop her.

But it was too late. Ryoga was now a pig, and he couldn't change back. He had been burned by the luke warm water and it hadn't even touched him yet. P-chan sighed, as did Ranma and Akane. Ukyo might have sighed, too, but she was busy with the customers.

"Well, it looks like Shampoo's great grandmother wasn't kidding," Akane spoke up, finally breaking the silence.

"Yeah," Ukyo agreed, sadly, but then started fuming in anger, "Oh, when I get my hands on that woman..." (Whether she was talking about Cologne, Shampoo, or the Woman that pours water on the streets is up to you.)

Ranma didn't say anything, but he mentally shuddered at the thought of being stuck in his girl form.

P-chan just sighed, again.

Ranma then thought of something... Relax, he's still Ranma. He just thought of something concerning martial arts and fighting, that's normal for him. If he had of thought of something like quantum physics or maybe even something concerning somebody else's feelings, THEN we should be worried. :) "Hey, what about your fight against Mousse?"

P-chan sighed again, and just shook his head. He couldn't fight in a man to man fight as a pig.

"I guess you'll just have to cancel..." Akane suggested.

That thought killed P-chan more. He began squealing and shaking his head.

"You're crazy," Ukyo commented, momentarily ignoring her frying okonomiyakis and watching P-chan. "You can't fight like that, sugar."

Akane glanced at the okonomiyaki chef. "You could understand him?" she asked, curiously.

Ukyo nodded. "To an extent. You'd be surprised how much 'pig' you'd learn if you hang out with one for a couple of months." She then turned back to P-chan. "I'm sorry, sugar, but you can't possibly fight tomorrow."

P-chan gazed down sadly, but then thought of something. He started squealing frantically at Ukyo, again, clearly telling her something.

Ukyo watched and listened, closely. When he was finished she just shook her head. "You want me to do what!"

Ranma and Akane looked at each other. Just what was Ryoga planning?

Just outside the okonomiyaki restaurant, a purple-haired amazon was watching them. She had seen Ryoga get splashed by the old lady and knew that he now couldn't change back to human. She imagined what he must be going through and shuddered. She would hate to be stuck in her catform longer than a day, let alone live as a cat forever. Guilt was building up inside of her, knowing that she was partially responsible for this whole thing. Great grandmother is going too far. How can she do this to another human being? Strip away his very humanity? Is this whole thing really necessary?

But Shampoo also wanted Ryoga for herself. If this is the way she could win him, shouldn't she take it?

But she also had a feeling that this whole Cat Tongue thing would just drive him away from her further.

"I so confused." Shampoo sighed, before riding away on her bicycle. She had a lot to think about...

The next day, the school was decorated as if it was holding one big birthday party for some unsuspecting rich kid who's parents could afford to shell out enough money to have the whole soccer field decorated with several food and game booths, and even pony rides. It didn't seem like the place to hold a fight, except for the giant fighting ring at the center of the field. Ranma and Akane stared at the festivities in shock.

"Is this supposed to be a fight or a circus?" Akane remarked, gazing at the crowd who where taking advantage of the food booths before the fight.

Ranma shook his head. "Geesh, nobody ever goes to all this trouble for one of MY fights."

Akane looked at him under narrowed eyes. "And when was the last time you had an interesting fight?" she asked.

Ranma paused for a moment to dwell on this question. "Uh..."

"Exactly." Akane nodded, satisfied that she had won this round. Now to gloat. "Isn't that right, P-chan?" She asked, the little black pig that was sitting in her book bag.

P-chan, who couldn't believe he had been talked into being carted around in this fashion looked up at Akane, surprised that she had said anything to him. "Bwee?" he asked, which translated into "What?" In truth, P-chan hadn't been listening to their conversation. He had been too busy worrying about Ukyo and whether their plan would work or not. He wished he could help her get ready, but he would have only gotten in her way in this state. Once again, P-chan sighed. Akane and Ranma hadn't noticed. They had went back to their arguing.

Suddenly, a dried up old monkey on a pogo stick bounced up to the still bickering pair. "So, where's my future son in law?" Cologne asked.

Ranma and Akane stopped in mid insult, then glanced down at the old hag. "HE should be here any minute." Akane answered, blushing for lying. In truth she had no idea what Ryoga and Ukyo had been planning. She was slightly annoyed that they had kept her and Ranma in the dark about this, but there was nothing she could do about it, except perhaps stall for them a little.

Ranma nodded. "Yeah, unless he managed to get lost or something." He was a slightly better liar than Akane was. Hopefully, Cologne didn't hear the indignant bweeing coming from Akane's book bag...

Apparently, Cologne didn't notice or decided to play along. "Well, he had better hurry. The challenger is getting irritated." She indicated off to the side closer to the ring, where an agitated Mousse was harassing a poor innocent boy in the audience.

"Comon, Hibiki, are we going to fight, or what!" The longhaired, blind weirdo shouted, as he pulled the poor boy, who may need therapy after this, by the shirt, in a frightening manner.

The boy just burst out crying. But he was saved, as a staff clobbered Mousse over the head from behind. "Put on your glasses, you blind moron." Cologne sighed. Yep, Mu su hadn't changed a bit She mentally noted.

Mousse did just that, saw that the kid wasn't Ryoga, then promptly dropped him. "Where are you, Hibiki?" He decided to go back to shouting at everyone. "You haven't run away from our fight, have you? You COWARD!"

"Nobody calls Ryoga Hibiki a coward!" A deep, well, a slightly deep, voice shouted from off to the side. The audience turned to see that yes, indeed, Ryoga Hibiki had finally arrived.

Well, he LOOKED like Ryoga. He had the usual yellow peasant shirt and the tied up black pants. The yellow and black bandanna that he always wore was still tied around his head, and he had the red bamboo umbrella.

But something was not quite right about him...

Could it be because he was shorter, slimmer, and he had dyed his hair brown?

Naaaaah, couldn't be.

"Go creme him, Ryoga!" one kid cried from the audience.

"Yeah, fight good! I just bet my lunch money on ya!" another kid cried.

Ryoga just turned to them and sort of saluted them, trying not to blush in embarrassment. I can't believe he talked me into this... But he resigned himself and turned to face his angry opponent.

From the audience, Ranma and Akane blinked upon seeing "Ryoga's" arrival. Akane was the first to speak. "Wasn't that... Ukyo?"

Ranma just shook his head, but P-chan nodded from within Akane's book bag.

Akane looked down at P-chan in shock. "You talked Ukyo into dressing up as you, so she can fight Mousse!"

P-chan gave her a look that said: "Well... yeah."

Akane looked slightly disgusted. "I don't believe this."

"Yeah," Ranma agreed, casually from beside her. "I can't believe that stupid disguise is working, either"  
+

Mousse turned to face his opponent. He didn't seem to notice that Ryoga looked different, but that shouldn't be surprising, now should it? I mean this is Mousse we're talking about.

"So, you've finally decided to show, Hibiki..."

"Yeah," Ukyo nodded, using his best "Ryoga Hibiki" voice. "Couldn't miss this, heh, heh, heh..." But inside she was cringing. Oh, you owe me BIG, sugar... Real big...

"So," Mousse said, as he turned slightly away from her. "Let's fight!" Quickly he turned back, throwing sharp blades from his sleeves.

Ukyo eeped, wondering if she was in over her head... Frantically she started dodging.

Mousse just grinned and began to advance on his opponent. This will be easy...

From the sidelines opposite from Ranma and Akane, Shampoo stood silently watching the fight. She had sweatdropped when the stupid spatula girl had shown up dressed up as Ryoga. "Who she think she fooling?" She had asked herself. But then when everyone had actually believed that she was Ryoga... Shampoo was still spitting out grass from when she had facefaulted. "This is stupid."

Ah, but the fight had just begun Shampoo, You've ain't seen stupid, yet...

Next time on Spatulas and Bandannas: Can this disguise fool Mousse for long? Can Ukyo actually beat him? Find out in Spatulas and Bandannas Fifteen.

A little shorter than usual, but I couldn't come up with a better stopping point.  
Characters belong to Rumiko Takahashi.

Shikoku 


	16. Getting Back To Business

A/N: Apparantly there was a giant lapse of time between the last chapter and this chapter. I think I enjoyed participating in my own stories a bit too much. (sweatdrops)

I think around this point in my life, Steel really played a major part.. Hard to keep writing when you have a love life finally... (Girlish blush)

I'm still amazed I kept writing, though. A year is a very long time between chapters...

Spatulas and Bandannas by Shikoku

Chapter Fifteen: Getting Back To Business

Let's see, where was I...? The author thinks for a few minutes. This was a tough question to answer... Seemed forever since she visited this particular world...

Around her, a giant crowd had formed. They consisted of mostly every student, and even a few teachers of Furinkan high school. All of them were watching something, something which caused them to shout and scream and get all excited. The author couldn't tell what they were all looking at, because they were doing a great job of blocking her view. She had absolutely no idea what was going on.

The author sighed and obviously frustrated, ran a hand through her already unruly long hair. For crying out loud, she was the author! She was supposed to know what was going on around here!

She hated to admit it, but she was going to have to find out the hard way...

Sighing again, the author made her way through the crowd. She passed by a few booths selling refreshments, not even noticing that Ukyo's okonomiyaki cart was absent for once... She walked past an annoyed looking Shampoo, past Akane and Ranma and Cologne. Ranma and Akane were looking worried, Cologne indifferent, and the bag Akane was carrying was thrashing around violently, but again, the author didn't notice. The author was never known for having very good observational skills... Oh, well...

Finally, though, she found the person who she had been looking for. If one needed information in Nerima, who better to go to than the one person that had her nose in everyone's business? Yeps, the author was desperate enough to go to Nabiki Tendo for help. Sad, ain't it?

The author paused a moment to get her courage together, then she bravely tapped the taller girl on the shoulder.

Nabiki sighed, wondering who dared to distract her from watching her assets pile up. (She of course had made sure to take full advantage of this opportunity and had a good sum of money riding on this fight. Naturally...) The Middle Tendo sister turned, and was somewhat surprised to see who exactly was bugging her. She raised an eyebrow questioningly.

The author gulped. "Ugh... I'm sorry for bugging you, but I need to ask you something..." She rushed into her question before losing her nerve. "Whexactlyisgoing on?"

Nabiki blinked, then gave the author one of her sly smiles... "YOU don't know?" She smirked.

The author blushed a deep red, then nodded. "I've been busy lately," she tried her pathetic excuse...

"Ah... Ten thousand yen"

"What?"

"That's how much information will cost you." Nabiki smiled pleasantly at her.

The author sighed, then excused herself. Information from Nabiki Tendo was just too expensive for her. She decided to make do with the next best thing. It wasn't as accurate, but at least it didn't cost a thing...

It didn't take as long for the author to find who she was looking for this time. They were in their usual place on the sidelines, watching like they were always doing. Hiroshi was munching on a corndog, as was Daisuke, but the darker haired boy would sometimes stop eating to watch a cute girl pass by. He was doing that again when the author approached them. 

"Hey, guys," She greeted them.

The boys were surprised to see her, to say the least. "What are YOU doing here?" Hiroshi asked.

She looked sheepish, again. "Uhm... I need some help... I'm not sure what's going on around here. Can you tell me?"

The boys looked shocked to hear this, but it wasn't to last. They started laughing. "You... don't know what's going on and you're the one writing this?" Daisuke choked back another fit of laughter.

The author just turned a nice shade of red. "Comeon, I'm only human! Now are you going to tell me, or is this whole chapter going to be about me catching up?" She grabbed Daisuke and started shaking him around violently.

Hiroshi came to his friends rescue. "Okay, okay... put him down. We'll talk."

The author immediately dropped Daisuke on his butt.

"Ouch!"

"We're watching another fight in the schoolyard... Ryoga's fighting that weird Chinese guy that just showed up..." said Hiroshi.

"Yeah," Daisuke chimed in from his place on the ground. "Though Ryoga looks kind of... funny..."

The author blinked, then smacked fist to palm in remembrance. "Oh, yeah... thanks, guys!" She cried, cheerfully. Now that she knew she could leave and get back to work.

"Hey!" Hiroshi called out after her. "Aren't we gonna get anything out of helping you?"

"Yeah!" Daisuke added. "How about setting us up with Shampoo and Ukyo. Grrroowwwll!"

The author turned and gave both boys a raspberry, sticking out her tongue cutely at them. "Too late, boys, you should have asked for payment BEFORE giving me the information I needed. You guys will never be good business men, maybe you should learn something from Nabiki..." She then gave them a cute grin, then left.

The boys now alone again in the crowd sighed as one.

"We never win." Commented Daisuke.

Hiroshi nodded sagely, and they went back to watching Mousse and "Ryoga" fight.

Shampoo had a dilemma. Well, maybe 'dilemma' isn't the right word... She wasn't exactly in danger or nothing... All she was doing was standing in the sidelines watching Mousse and Ukyo dressed up as Ryoga fight. Maybe the word I'm looking for is 'problem'. And a problem is what Shampoo had.

Who the heck should she root for?

She didn't really care for either fighter. Mousse had been her childhood friend, that was true, but he was still more often an overbearing pain to her. He'd been like that ever since he got that silly idea to fall in love with her. Since then, he had been constantly harassing her trying to 'win' her over, make her love him, too. In other words he was annoying her too much for her to decide what SHE wants.

Ukyo, on the other hand, had given Shampoo no reason to like her. She had been mean to her since the first day they met. Shampoo still wasn't sure what Ukyo's problem was. She had no claim over Ryoga. It wasn't like Shampoo was trying to steal Ukyo's fiancee or husband... He was only her best friend. Shampoo shook her head. She had more right to Ryoga than Ukyo did. He WAS after all her husband to be by amazon law.

So Shampoo was watching the fight, hoping that somehow everything would work out in her favor. Her only comfort was knowing that if Mousse won he'd get to take Ukyo away from Ryoga... Still it felt funny for her to root for the dopey blind duck... This was definitely a first... She was afraid that doing it once would cause her to actually... shudder LIKE him... Of course that will never happen... Right...

Shampoo pushed that evil thought from her mind. Instead she went back to concentrating on the fight...

Wow... both fighters weren't that bad...

"Ryoga" was having a harder fight than she... I mean HE thought it would be. The girl who usually called herself 'Ukyo Kuanji' was still trying to decide if listening to the pig was such a good idea. Ukyo cursed herself and the pig, called "P-chan"... Honestly, why did I let him talk me into this? She asked herself. But subconsciously, she knew why, but she wasn't telling...

The thing is Ukyo considered herself a decent martial artist. She could hold her own against Ryoga, who she considered a VERY good martial artist, and she even showed Ranma a thing or two, while she was fighting him... But those times were when she had her weapon of choice, the giant spatula which really packed a whallop in her slender hands. But to be Ryoga, Ukyo had to fight up against Mousse without her beloved spatula, otherwise, she'd blow her cover.

Ukyo was far from helpless without her weapons, but she was up against a guy that had weapons coming out of his armpits (literally), not to mention the fact that he was taller than she was and had the reach advantage, she was used to getting...

"Fist of the White Swan!" Mousse cried as he tried his training potty attack on her, again.

Ukyo ducked under it, trying to get past his strong defense, so she could take this fight a little more up close and personal. The only problem was that Mousse wouldn't let her do that.

"Die, Ryoga!" He cried again, now throwing a bunch of chains at her. She tried to avoid them, but they still managed to find their way around her wrists before she could duck away. Ooo, look! One of the chains is a yo-yo! Oh, never mind...

Mousse took advantage of this and slammed her down on the ground. "Gee, I'm disappointed, Ryoga... I thought you'd be a better challenge..." Mousse quipped, grinning cockily. He began throwing spears at her, trying to pin her down... or just skewer her, depending on who's point of view you're going by...

Ukyo somehow managed to wiggle out of the way from being punctured. The spear went through the chains instead, freeing her. Ukyo quickly jumped to her feet and grinned. She grabbed one of the spears and pulled it out of the ground. Once freed, she twirled it around much like she did her spatula and ended in a ready position with the spear's tip pointed straight at Mousse.

"A challenge, you say?" She grinned evilly at the taller boy. "I can do that..." And she charged at him.

Mousse suddenly found himself on the defensive, as the tables were turned.

P-chan decided that hiding in Akane's book bag was not exactly a good idea... Sure it was a great hiding place. Nobody had noticed that he was there, yet, but he forgot to consider the drawbacks...

For one thing, P-chan had no idea how the fight was going, or if Ukyo was doing all right. He cursed at himself, for not thinking about this earlier, and wishing that dumb bookbags had eyeholes for him...

The only way P-chan had been getting any idea about what was happening so far was from listening to Akane and Ranma's reactions to the fight, and whatever other sound effects made its way to inside his cozy little bag. That way he had an idea of what was going on, but not enough to satisfy him...

Frankly, P-chan was wishing he had just swallowed his pride and sent a message to Mousse telling him that he couldn't fight with him. But no, now Ryoga's best friend was fighting his fight for him, and Ryoga had no idea who was winning...

Once again, P-chan heard the crowd roar, and he wondered with a sigh which fighter that cheer was for.

Outside of Akane's bookbag, Akane and Ranma had a better view of the fight, but they were both just as worried as P-  
chan was. Twice, Akane had to prevent Ranma from rushing into things and 'saving' Ukyo. "It won't do her any good, you baka. She said, once again keeping him back by pulling on his shirt tails.

"What do ya mean, 'wouldn't do anything good'" Ranma almost shouted, yanking his shirt out of Akane's hands. "That Mousse guy is creaming her!"

"Do you think I missed that!" Akane shouted back, her anger sparking, once again. "But you can't just go in to save her, this is her fight! Besides, she's supposed to be Ryoga, right, now, remember?'

"Oh, yeah..." Ranma said, suddenly remembering.

"Baka..." Akane muttered. How could he be so thick?

"What did you say?" Ranma cried, overhearing her. His own anger quickly returned, and it caused his pigtail to stand straight up. It looked kind of goofy.

Fortunately for the crowd around them, Dr. Tofu happened to show up, ending their fight.

"Dr. Tofu," gasped, Akane, reverting to her cute and extra feminine side of her personality. She knew deep down that she would never be able to steal the good doctor's affections from her eldest sister, but a part of her still hoped.

"Why hello, Akane," Dr. Tofu greeted her pleasantly, totally unaware that there had been tension in the air before he showed up. "Hello, Ranma. Why I do believe there is a fight going on around here."

"Yo, Doc," Ranma replied. "Yeah, there usually is a fight going on around here, but what brings you around here?" Ranma wanted to cut through the chit chat and get to the point. Besides seeing Akane act all girlie girlie around the doctor really got on Ranma's nerves.

"Actually, I'm here looking for Ryoga. I may have found something that can help his case." Akane and Ranma's ears perked at this. "Do you two happen to know where I can find him?" The good doctor continued on, unaware of the two teenager's reactions.

From inside Akane's bookbag came a loud 'bwee!" Dr. Tofu looked in and saw the cute lil piggy. "Oh, there you are, Ryoga," the doc said, somehow recognizing him. "Did you know you are a pig?"

Everyone face-faulted.

Now back to the more interesting stuff, namely: THE FIGHT SCENE! Ah, gotta love senseless violence.

Now armed with a spear, Ukyo had effectively turned the tide of the fight to her side. Better yet, she still managed to do that and look like Ryoga. At least more than half of her audience still believed her to be him. Even Kuno was rooting for Mousse to kill his 'hated enemy'. Not that Kuno was all that hard to fool, anyway...

Mousse however, was far from calling himself defeated. He had always been persistent, how else could he be able to put up with Shampoo's rejections all these years? The fact that 'Ryoga' knew how to fight with a spear was not enough for the master of hidden weapons to give up the fight. Still he knew that it was time for him to change his plans.

He backflipped away from Ukyo and her pointy weapon, creating distance between them. Once again, he was grateful for his time with the circus for he was quite agile because of it. Once enough space was in between them, Mousse reached up his sleeve and pulled out a large fistfull of pointy knives. With those knives, Mousse started to throw them like darts at Ukyo, hoping they would be small enough to get past whatever defense Ukyo could create with her spear.

Ukyo wasn't happy. She preferred being the one to use this type of technique, but she couldn't as Ryoga... Sure, she could have used Ryoga's bandanna throw as a counter, but Ryoga had never showed her how to do that. For now she would have to suffice with using her spear to knock as many of the blades away and dodging as many of the ones that get past her spear as best as she could. Unfortunately, she found herself barely dodging most of the sharp objects, at least enough not to get cut, but her baggy clothes on the other hand... Let's just say, Mousse was effectively undressing her by shredding her clothes off bit by bit.

This of course didn't go unnoticed to the spectators. Many a girl got excited as more and more of 'Ryoga's' clothing got ripped off, in anticipation of seeing his 'manly' assets. However, as the clothing swiftly disappeared, their anticipation turned to shock, as they found out that 'Ryoga' wasn't as manly as they had all thought.

Still it wasn't a total loss, once the women lost interest, the men perked up considerably.

Finally, one especially smart Furinken High student realized something. "Hey! That ain't Ryoga! That's Ukyo!"

Well, of course a declaration like that caught everybody's attention. Soon almost everybody in the audience agreed that this Ryoga was indeed Ukyo. The only one who still disbelieved of course was our favorite Kendo captain, who thought that Hibiki was performing some kind of evil sorcery to fool everyone's eyes. Kunos, go fig.

Meanwhile, Ukyo was devastated by what was happening. It seemed that as soon as she found a spot that needed covering, a new one would form on the other side of her body. By this time, she felt completely exposed in front of everyone. She didn't know whether to burst into tears or pound everyone that was looking at her into the ground. Rage and embarrassment burned within her, and she didn't know what to do about it.

But as it turned out, she needn't do a thing, for suddenly the knives quit coming. Dumbfounded, Ukyo looked down at the rest of her clothes, which were mere rags by now. She blushed a bright red, and vainly tried to cover herself, again. She glanced around to see if everybody was staring at her, but she was surprised to find that not one person was looking at her in the audience.

All eyes were on the naked, wet, and VERY enraged Ryoga, who had one fist around the Chinese fighter's neck.

Next time on Spatulas and Bandannas: Will Mousse live through Ryoga's wrath? Will Ryoga think to put any clothes on before pounding Mousse into the ground? Find out in Spatulas and Bandannas Sixteen.

Wow... I finally managed to finish another chapter... bows I so sorry for the long wait.  
Here's my list of lame excuses:

Started working on other projects Computer died, deleting much of story Then promptly lost the rough draft version, I have on paper Lost interest in 'normal' couples' for awhile My muse. Bertha, didn't feel like writing.  
School Got a life beyond writing/reading fanfiction.

There, I hope those lame excuses suffice for now. Now I'll see what I can do about writing the next chapter.  
Please, nobody time me, it might end up taking another year. 

Anyway, this chapter is dedicated to everyone who actually wrote me, begging for more, especially, Joey from Chorus who has bugged me on numerous occasions.  
See, it finally paid off, I just hope it was worth it.

Love,  
Shikoku

P.S. Character's not mine, they belong to Rumiko Takahashi. 


	17. The Pig Versus The Duck For Real

QUICK ANNOUNCEMENT FROM AUTHOR: Nihao, after writing Spatulas and Bandannas for a year, I've decided that I can no longer continue this series... by myself. G Starting with this chapter and all the chapters after it (hopefully), I will be writing this fic series with my writing partner, Hiroshima. I hope that because of this, we will bring out these chapters faster, and that the story would get better and better. Thank you, Shikoku

A/N: Yeah... that was definitely wishful thinking on my part; though I bet at the time, I seriously thought that having Hiroshima, aka Steel, help me would make the chapters come out faster.  
AH well, it probably did work at least for the first couple of chapters.. But I was definitely slowing down.  
Spatulas and Bandannas by Shikoku and Hiroshima/Steel

Chapter Sixteen: The Pig Versus The Duck (For Real, This Time)

A Few Random Thoughts Upon This Sudden Change Of Events:

Ranma: "Oh, Man, Ryoga looks pissed!"

Mousse: "Urk! Can't... Breathe... Who...?"

Ryoga: "Grrrrrrrr"

Nabiki: "Heh, nobody saw this coming, I should make a fortune..."

Ukyo: "Ryoga? You're human again... what happened?"

Dr. Tofu: "Just as I thought, the 'Old Man Tokyo Pressure Point' did the trick."

Kasumi: "Oh, my, Ryoga seems to have forgotten his pants"

Dr. Tofu: "KA... SUM... MI! Hee, hee... hee..."

Ranma: "Hey, what's Kasumi doing here?"

Author: "Attempt at comedy"

Ranma: "Oh"

Kuno: "Argh! Once again, that foul Hibiki hast cast evil sorcerer upon mine eyes... How dare he use his evil means to put the fair Ukyo Kuanji in his place... I shall not have it!"

Akane: "Poor Mousse... I feel sort of sorry for him..."

Shampoo: "Hiya... Mousse dead... But doesn't Ryoga have nice butt?"

Yes, indeed, Mousse had found himself in a not nice place... A giant fist was around his neck, cutting off his air. His feet no longer touched the floor, and he realized that it was because he was being lifted off the ground by his neck. Mousse struggled to free himself from this unpleasant situation, but it was no use... Whoever had snuck up on him had him to an advantage.

Ryoga, meanwhile, wasn't thinking straight at this particular moment. Otherwise, he might have felt a draft and realized that he was still butt naked. Of course, a majority of the women in the audience didn't seem to mind, although a few of the more modest ones were getting nose bleeds at the moment. Anyway, Ryoga like I said, didn't know this. He was too busy seeing red, and thinking of a few hundred ways to kill Mousse right now for hurting HIS Ucchan.

Speaking of Ryoga's Ucchan, Ukyo sat on the ground in a dazed state watching all of this. Her brain, like Mousse and Ryoga's was quite numb at the moment. All she knew was that she should have been defeated right now, but she wasn't... She tried to remember why, but nothing was making its way to her cloudy brain at the moment. She tried to shake the fog away, and managed to clear most of it.

She was sitting on the floor of the fighting stage, with most of her clothes in yellow rags around her. Ryoga's oversized shirt was drooping around her shoulders, ready to fall down her arms at any minute. His pants were practically gone at the legs, and she had long lost her shoes. It was pretty obvious to the audience that she was a woman now, and with the appearance of the real Ryoga, it was now clear that everyone knew her as the impostor that she was.

She didn't mind not having to play as Ryoga, anymore though. Frankly she had grown quite tired of that charade. If she was going to defeat anybody, it would be as Ukyo Kuanji.

She stood up ignoring the hushed voices of the crowds whispering about the spectacle that they had just witnessed. She heard them utter her name a few times, usually used in a question as in: "Isn't that Ukyo Kuanji up there?" "You mean, Ryoga had been Ukyo this whole time?" and "Wow... Ukyo's HOT wearing that get up, think I should ask her out after the match?" Ukyo shook her head, figuring that it would be better for her if she DIDN'T pay any attention to the crowd. Instead, she made her way over to the two boys.

+ Ryoga wasn't very delicate with the other martial artist. He started out by introducing Mousse to the floor a few times. This of course was between ringings of the long-haired boy's neck... among other things... Ryoga could almost be described as being brutal...

Oh, yeah, Ryoga was ticked off.

The whole while Ryoga was yelling his head off at him. It was hard to tell what exactly, but the gist of it was 'how to treat a lady', and 'don't you have any compassion at all?'. He also called Mousse an 'enemy of all women', among other things...

Finally, Ryoga finished it up by shouting: "Don't you know, how embarrassing that was for her? I would DIE if that happened to me!"

"Uhm... Ryo-chan..." a familiar female voice interrupted the lost boy's rantings, with a gentle tapping on his shoulder.

It was enough to snap Ryoga out of his rage for a minute. He turned and was surprised to see Ukyo standing behind him. "Ukyo...?" He was quite surprised that she had interrupted him.

At the moment Ukyo had at least a hundred of things she wanted to tell her friend. 'How the heck did ya change back into a human' for starters, but first things first. She didn't even have to say anything but pointed to his clothes... or lack there of.

Ryoga looked down to see what Ukyo was pointing at, then turned a bright red. He immediately dropped Mousse and tried to cover his more manly aspects with his hands... all the while making those cute screeching, laughing noises when he was truly embarrassed, which at the moment he was.

Fortunately for the Lost Boy, Ukyo took pity on him and helped him out. How you ask? Why by stealing the long robe that the dazed Mousse wore and giving it to Hibiki to cover his... nakedness with.

The female members of the audience all groaned as one in disappointment. So much for female fanservice in this fic...

Ryoga of course, was grateful and quickly slipped Mousse's robe on.

Mousse, meanwhile finally caught on what was going on... besides the fact that he was bleeding really bad right now... "Well, now I know what it is you want... All right..." He flipped to his feet and got into a one-legged stance. "Time to put away our... 'tricks'... Time to fight with bodies ALONE."

"Huh?" was Ryoga's reply as he finished securing the robe around himself.

"Uh-oh..." Ukyo didn't like the look on Mousse's face. He seemed REAL mad now.

"Hiya!" she could hear Shampoo's shrill voice in the crowd. "Mousse very, very mad now..."

Cologne hopped up to her Great-granddaughter, temporarily ignoring Ranma and Akane (who by the way have been watching the events of this fight with their own levels of shock). "Shampoo, it's time that we 'help' Mousse. You know where we keep them..."

Shampoo hesitated for a nanosecond, but then she nodded. "Back in a flash, Great-grandmother." and the purple-haired beauty took off in the direction of the Cat Cafe.

Cologne smiled a small, evil smile that should scare the pants off of anyone that saw it. (Not that it'd take much from Cologne to scare the pants off of anyone. WHAP! Owee... ) "Good girl," she said, quietly.

Just as Shampoo had said, Mousse was pretty ticked off. This should probably not be surprising since anyone would be ticked off if someone else slammed one's head into the ground a few times. "Now you can't escape me, Hibiki." said Mousse, pushing his glasses up and giving Ryoga the Finger at the same time. "You shall pay for stealing my Shampoo from me and lying to my face about it. And don't think you can switch places with Ukyo Kuonji this time!"

"For the last time! I DIDN'T STEAL SHAMPOO! I DON'T EVEN WANT SHAMPOO! YOU CAN HAVE HER!" Ryoga yelled back at the myopic martial artist. "GO AHEAD AND TAKE HER! PLEASE!"

Ukyo had to cover her ears from the volume.

Meanwhile Shampoo leaped out from the audience and jump kicked Ryoga in the head.

"Owe." said Ryoga.

"Sh-Shampoo!" Mousse exclaimed in surprise. He could see her only because he actually had his glasses on right now. "Wha-  
what're YOU doing here?"

Shampoo ignored him, she was too busy casting an angry glare at Ryoga to care what the dumb duck said, anyway... at the moment, she then turned to face Mousse with an angelic look on her face. "Shampoo here to help Mousse win fight."

Of course THAT got a couple of disbelieving responses from the other three people in the ring.

Shocked, Mousse raced up to Shampoo and clasped her hands in his. "Really Shampoo? You really mean it?" he asked excitedly.

Still doing the sweet act, Shampoo nodded sagely. "Hiya!" she then pulled out a few staffs with a weird duck ornament at the top. "Shampoo even make too too perfect weapon for Mousse to win fight with."

Mousse's eyes started to tear up. He couldn't believe it! Shampoo really DID love him after all! Oh Happy Day! "R-really? It's for ME? Are you sure I'm worthy of such a fine weapon?"

Shampoo nodded sweetly. "Hiya! Win fight for Shampoo, and Shampoo all yours, Mousse." She then turned to bounce away from him before he could glomp her.

Ukyo meanwhile, having eavesdropped on this exchange looked at Shampoo suspiciously when the bubbly amazon made her way over to her. "Okay, Shampoo, what gives?"

The amazon maiden smiled with false innocence. "Shampoo no know what you talking."

At the same time Shampoo was talking, Mousse was glowing brightly and had a renewed sense of confidence. He could, no, WOULD WIN! "I'm- I'm invincible!" he yelled and started spinning the staff around. "Ryoga! PREPARE TO DIIIEEE!"

"Can't we talk this over?" Ryoga pleaded with Mousse, but it did no good, soon he found himself dodging Mousse's new weapon.

"Go Mousse!" Shampoo cheered. Hearing that, Mousse increased his offense, striking at Ryoga dozens of times. He couldn't believe it! Shampoo was actually cheering for HIM! This was the happiest day of his life!

"Die, Hibiki!" he yelled and brought the staff down toward Ryoga's head in a slicing motion. Ryoga blocked it with crossed arms, then the unexpected happened. The ornamental duck at the top of the staff started shooting eggs out of it's rear...

If that wasn't weird enough, the eggs, once in a close proximity to Mousse, started exploding. It looked somewhat painful.

Ukyo gasped then turned her gaze to Shampoo, who was smirking. "You did that on purpose, didn't you?"

"Mousse no win fight today." Shampoo smiled, not denying anything. She did feel a little guilty deep inside of her, but she felt that anything was worth getting Mousse off of her back.

Back to the fight. Ryoga had stopped fighting for a minute and stood staring at Mousse (as the Chinese martial artist struggled to get up) with a confused expression on his face. "Was that supposed to happen?"

He didn't get answered as Shampoo threw another duck-ended staff to Mousse (the first was destroyed in the explosion) who laughed. "With Shampoo on my side," he said. "How can I lose the fight?" And he attacked Ryoga again. It was obvious that he hadn't realized that Shampoo had booby-trapped the staffs on purpose.

Ryoga didn't quite get it yet either... at least not until a few minutes later in the fight, the staff exploded again. Mousse was once again on the ground, and Ryoga was now looking to the decapitated staff and back to Shampoo (who was visibly smirking) with newfound realization.

Before the Lost Boy could make any accusations, Mousse was back up on his feet (stubborn, ain't he?) and Shampoo had tossed him another staff. This one however, had a bomb on top which exploded as soon it got to Mousse's hands.

After the smoke cleared, Mousse was found to be laying face-down in a sizable crater. He was rather charred and a bit mangled looking...

"Fight over, Airon won. Tough luck, Mousse." said Shampoo, sounding not at all disappointed.

Ukyo glared at her. "You're awful."

"Yep," replied Cologne as she pogosticked on her staff into the ring. "After all, she learned everything from me."

"Hiya!" said Shampoo, pleased by her great-grandmother's praise.

"That's my Great-Granddaughter," Cologne chuckled.

Meanwhile, back to Ryoga and Mousse, Ryoga was poking at the comatose Mousse with his toe (After all, he was still barefoot) "Hey... Mousse? Are you okay?" Ryoga couldn't help but feel sorry for the guy...

Mousse groaned and twitched a little. Finally he pushed himself to his feet where he could properly glare at Ryoga. "It's not over." he said, obviously having a hard time standing. "You haven't won YET, Hibiki."

"Geez, Mousse looks really messed up. Think he can still fight?" Akane asked Ranma. She looked to him and saw that he'd fallen asleep standing up. She sighed and whapped him one.

"Wha'ja do THAT for!" Ranma yelled, pulling his face up from where it was smashed into the ground. Akane ignored him, preferring to watch the fight than listen to Ranma rant.

Ranma grumbled a bit, but started watching the fight as well. He still thought it was boring, though. After all, what fight would be exciting without HIM in it?

At least that's what Ranma thought.

Once again, it was a face-off between Ryoga and Mousse. Mousse, though obviously the more battered between the two, also appeared to be taking the fight more seriously. He pointed at Ryoga in challenge. "No more playing, Hibiki. I shall be taking my sweet Shampoo back from your clutches. SHE WILL BE MINE!" And once again they charged.

Shampoo sighed and shook her head. "Stupid Mousse, why you be so stubborn?"

Next Time on Spatulas and Bandannas, who will win the showdown between lost boy and blind boy? Will Mousse ever catch a break, and why does he have to be so stubborn? Find out in chapter seventeen.

Shikoku and Hiroshima

Characters owned by Rumiko Takahashi 


	18. Friendship Restored?

A/N: Okay, I guess this will be bad news for some of you, but this will be the last chapter of Spatulas and Bandannas that comes out really, really fast.(Well, as fast as I HAVE been posting them, anyway) That's because this was the last chapter Steel and I wrote before we stopped writing and moved on to other things.

You might say it was the last chapter, cause I haven't added any new chapters for 4 or 5 years...

I know, that kind of sucks, because I ended up becoming one of those fanfiction writers that has a long series going that ends up stopping in the middle of the GOOD part.

You really don't know how guilty I feel about that...

So posting this story at was an attempt for me to get back into my own story,because I seriously want to finish it, but my track record isn't very great.

So basically, I plan on writing more on this series, but please don't time me... and wish me luck. :)

Thanks for reading,

Shikoku 3

Spatulas and Bandannas by Shikoku and Hiroshima

Chapter Seventeen: Friendship Restored?

Let's see where were we... Oh, yeah. Ryoga and Mousse were fighting. Mousse was mad. Ryoga was getting nervous. Mousse seriously wanted to do some bodily harm to Ryoga's person. Ryoga didn't want Mousse to do that, but he didn't really want to hurt Mousse either... not too much at least. Ryoga felt sorry for Mousse.

Right at this moment, Mousse was biding his time, regaining some of his strength to take on Ryoga again. In other words, he was psyching himself up for the fight, in essence, pulling a 'Ranma', blowing up his confidence (ego) and drawing strength from it. His version of blowing up his ego, however, consisted of telling himself that he had FINALLY won Shampoo's love! (No, the blows to the head DIDN'T knock his screws loose, he'd always been delusional, but then, so was everyone else...)

Mousse started glowing with chi as he mentally pumped himself up. He could DO this! He could WIN against the Evil Hibiki who had taken his love from him! And as a result of this train of thought, he started laughing manically.

Everyone else sweatdropped, not understanding what he was laughing at.

"He's lost it..." Akane commented.

"I don't think he ever HAD it..." This was weird, even for Ranma.

Even Ryoga paused to look at him funny. "Are you okay?" He asked.

Mousse just kept laughing, apparently not having heard him over the laughter.

"Mousse lights on, but nobody home..." said Shampoo as she watched the myopic young Chinese man laugh hysterically at something only he found funny. She wondered if she should throw Mousse one of her special weapons, then curiosity got the best of her, and she decided to see if Mousse could actually beat Ryoga in this state.

Ukyo tapped Ryoga on the shoulder. "Maybe you should just hit him..." she suggested. Mousse was really starting to worry her...

Ryoga blinked, then shrugged. It was the best suggestion he had.

So he did.

Mousse went out like a light.

Everyone sweatdropped. That had been the WEIRDEST fight they'd ever seen. Oh well, it was over now so everybody started going home, Akane and Ranma included.

The only ones that DIDN'T go home were Ryoga, Ukyo, Shampoo, and Cologne. Concerned, Ryoga went up to Mousse to make sure he didn't kill him...

Unexpectedly, Mousse was awake and started struggling to get up... "This... isn't... over... yet..." he said, through great effort. Then he saw Shampoo staring at him... "Sh-  
Shampoo..." And he stopped moving or talking.

Ukyo blinked. "I think he fainted..."

Ryoga poked him. Yep, Mousse was unconscious.

"Stupid Mousse." Shampoo muttered, shaking her head. She then turned and walked off.

As she walked away, a small nagging feeling in the back of her head wanted her to turn around and make sure Mousse was alright, but since her great-grandmother was there hopping on her staff to keep up with her, Shampoo decided it would be better if she let him be...

"Well... think we should leave him here?" Ukyo asked Ryoga as the two amazon females walked off.

Ryoga stared at the fallen Mousse, looking as if he were mentally debating with himself. "Well... he's still MY friend, even if I'm not his... I'd feel terrible if we left him here without anyone..."

Ukyo nodded. "I guess we should take him home then, ne?" She paused. "Wait, does he HAVE a home?"

"Uh... Ucchan... can he stay with us for awhile?" Ryoga asked.

The young chef thought it over. "I dunno Ryo-chan... I'm not sure if I want a homicidal maniac living under my roof... Then again, he IS our friend..." She sighed, lost in indecision.

"Why don't we at least take him there till he's okay?'

"Uh... I guess so." Ukyo shrugged, then helped Ryoga sling Mousse onto the Lost Boy's back. "You ok?" she asked him.

"Who me?" the lost boy looked at Ukyo blankly. He was so slow sometimes...

Ukyo rolled her eyes, smiling rather fondly at him. "Of course you, ya jackass." she answered, lightly poking his nose. "I worry about ya, ya know." She grinned.

"You do?" Ryoga seemed amazed at that... and pleased. He was blushing quite nicely.

Ukyo giggled at his blush, but her own cheeks were a nice pink color. "I do." she nodded. "Now c'mon, let's go home." She smiled at him, then turned and lead him off.

Ryoga nodded and followed, still smiling to himself along the way.

Ukyo and Ryoga soon arrived home, finally after a rough and interesting day for them. Ryoga deposited the unconscious Mousse on the seat of one of Ukyo's booths. Ukyo, meanwhile, started making them both some okonomiyaki. They were both starving.

"Ok, now that I have your undivided attention," Ukyo started as she mixed up the batter. "just HOW did you turn human again?" She looked to Ryoga with an eyebrow raised.

Ryoga settled himself at his accustomed place on the stool facing her. "Dr. Tofu." He answered. "He figured out a way to negate the Cat Tongue Pressure Point thingie by using an Old Man Tokyo Pressure Point thingie."

Surprised, Ukyo paused in her stirring. "Really? Hey that's great!" she exclaimed, then suddenly leaned over the heating grill and wrapped her arms around his neck in a hug. "I'm so happy for you!"

Ryoga's eyes widened and he started blushing like mad. "Gee... is it?" he laughed nervously, returning the hug.

Ukyo pulled back to the other side of the grill, but she was grinning. "Of course it is sugar! Now you're not stuck in pig form any more." she said, going back to her stirring. "And you can finally help with that mountain of dishes." She tossed a dish rag at him in a teasing manner.

"Oh... yeah..." said Ryoga catching the rag. He was just about to get started on the first dirty dish, when they heard a groan coming from the booth Mousse was zonked out on.

The young chef glanced over at the booth as she poured her batter onto the grill. "Sounds like 'Sleeping Beauty' is waking up." She started putting on toppings. "Go check on him, will you hon?" she asked Ryoga.

"Uh, okay..." Ryoga carefully made his way toward Mousse, and peered over at him as the Chinese martial artist woke up.

Goggily, Mousse came into wakefulness. The first thought that popped into his mind was: 'where am I?' He sat up quickly and looked around, searching his surroundings. Unfortunately though, since he wasn't wearing his glasses, he couldn't SEE his surroundings.

"You're at the 'Ucchan', an okinomiyaki restaurant." Ryoga informed him. "Ucchan and I took you here after you passed out."

Mousse blinked and looked around, then he pulled out his glasses and looked around again. Seeing that he didn't appear to be in any real danger (Ryoga wasn't in 'KILL' mode) he relaxed some. "Uh... thanks..." he muttered.

"Uh... no problem..." Ryoga was surprised that Mousse didn't seem hostile. He wasn't sure what to do now...

Well, Mousse WOULD'VE been hostile but right now he was just in too much pain to care. He laid back down with a heavy sigh and threw one bruised and bleeding arm over his eyes. All he wanted at the moment, was a long hot bath and a soft bed to lie in where he could sleep for the next zillion years. Ryoga had done such a job on him, he was completely exhausted and in NO shape to even lift a FINGER in battle.

Well, Ryoga wouldn't have figured THAT out, but fortunately, Ukyo was there. Finally completing her okinomiyaki, she tossed them to several plates and brought them over to the booth the boys had taken over.

"Here you go sugars, eat up. Then Mousse can take a nice hot bath, while Ryo-chan and I find him a soft bed to crash on..."

Mousse blinked as the delicious aroma of food wafted to his nose. He stomach practically roared. He hadn't realized how hungry he was before now. He sat up and looked over the wonderful creation Ukyo had brought him. "This's for ME?" he asked in wonder, his mouth watering severely."Oh thank you, Ukyo! Thank you!" He immediately drove into the food and wolfed down half of it in no time flat.

"Hmm... better make more..." Ukyo mumbled to herself, amazed at Mousse's voracious appetite.

"Hey! Don't eat them all!" Ryoga complained and the feeding frenzy began.

Ukyo chuckled to herself, pleased to see that the two boys appreciated her creations. She gleefully went back behind her grill to add to them.

She had to do some fast cooking to keep up with the two boy's appetites. Eventually, though she DID manage to stuff the two young males as well as feeding herself. Boy was she good!

"Ready for that bath now, sugar?" Ukyo asked, Mousse, who was looking a bit drowsy after overeating.

Mousse turned his half lidded gaze to the young chef. "Oh what? Uhm..." He shook his head, trying to wake up. "Uh, yeah. Yeah I am. Lead the way." He pushed himself from the bench seat to stand before her. He teetered a bit, but managed to stay upright.

Ryoga, seeing Mousse's problem went to help him. Together, the three of them made their way up to the apartment above the restaurant, specifically the bathroom.

Ukyo instructed Ryoga to help Mousse undress and to get him into the bath. Meanwhile, the young chef went and set up an extra bedroll in the storeroom that served as Ryoga's bedroom.

Before long, the Chinese martial artist was relaxing in the tub and Ryoga and Ukyo were alone again.

The Lost Boy was up to his elbows in hot soapy water and Ukyo stood next to him, a drying towel in her grasp. "Wanna play poker again tonight?" she asked him as she put away the dish she'd been drying.

"Okay," said Ryoga, not sure if he wanted to be alone with Mousse yet. He was still wondering if Mousse wanted to kill him or not, even after he and Ukyo were being so nice to him.

Ukyo nodded. "We'll talk to Mousse tomorrow, after we've all had good sleep." she said.

"Sounds good." said Ryoga, hoping she was right.

Inside the bathroom, Mousse tried to keep from falling asleep as he soaked in the bath. The hot water was thoroughly relaxing him and all his tight muscles. He'd already caught himself nodding off a couple times, so maybe it was best if he got out now.

He painfully pushed himself to his feet, then started to dry off. He thought about his predicament with Ryoga and Ukyo and remembered the decision he'd come to. He'd wait 'til tomorrow since right now he was too tired to get into any arguments and even too tired to be mad. Tomorrow was better he was sure, right now was time to sleep and to heal.

Exhausted, he dragged himself to the spare bedroom, and all but collapsed on the spare bedroll. He was asleep before he could even mentally kiss his Shampoo good night.

The next morning came too fast for Ryoga, as he stumbled down the stairs to the greeting of Ukyo cooking breakfast. The lost boy was so tired, he didn't even worry that he would get lost as he made his way to the stools in front of Ukyo's stove.

Ukyo glanced at the Lost Boy from where she was frying her okonomiyaki. She was mildly surprised he'd made it downstairs. "'Morning, Hibiki." she greeted, placing a plate with a large stack of food on it in front of him.

"Morning," Ryoga mumbled before devouring his breakfast, as if he hadn't had the same thing the night before.

Ukyo didn't seem to notice. Traveling around with him for so long, she'd gotten used to his monster appetite and now she didn't pay it any attention. In fact, if Ryoga DIDN'T inhale his food, Ukyo would assume there was something wrong with him.

Their morning was almost a typical morning for them, until Mousse finally came down the stairs...

The male amazon stumbled down the stairs and sleepily wandered around the grill to the side Ryoga was sitting on. He yawned hugely after he'd seated himself. At the moment, he REALLY didn't look up to arguing.

Ukyo started making some okonomiyaki for the myopic, young man.

And silence rained down on them, as Mousse ate.

The young chef watched the amazon and Lost Boy eat in silence. Thinking it over, she decided to take it apon herself to breach the conversation that was undoubtibly on all their minds.

Looking between the two boys, she decided to wait 'til they were finished so she'd have their complete attention.

The boys ate on, not even noticing she had something on her mind.

Meanwhile, Ukyo started cleaning up a bit, putting away unnecessary ingredients and scrapping off the grill.

Ryoga decided to help her.

Ukyo gave him a surprised look, but just tossed a damp rag to him so he could wipe off the less caked on parts of the grill.

The silence in the room was tangible enough to grab.

Mousse finally finished and laid his chopsticks across his plate. "Thank you Ukyo Kuonji, it was delicious." he said.

Ryoga eyed Mousse suspiciously wondering if this was where Mousse was going to attack him, again...

"Don't worry Ryoga Hibiki," Mousse said, as if he had read the Lost Boy's mind. "I'm not going to attack you. Especially here." He indicated Ukyo's restaurant with a wave of his hand. "What I want, however, is only to talk."

Ryoga blinked. "So talk..."

Mousse paused for a moment, gathering his thoughts. He'd been so tired last night that he hadn't been able to formulate what he wanted to say before he'd collapsed and fallen deeply asleep.

Ukyo and Ryoga gave each other curious looks, but let Mousse think. In the meantime, the young chef turned off her grill and finished cleaning up the counter. She stacked up the plates to be taken back into the kitchen for later washing.

When she was done, Mousse finally spoke. "Why did you take me here?" He asked, figuring that was a good place to start.

Ukyo tossed her rag onto the grill. "Well, partly because we don't know where you live, or even IF you have a place to live, and partly because... well... you ARE our friend..." She shrugged.

"Even if you haven't been ACTING like it," Ryoga added.

Mousse nodded. "I see..." He didn't say anything for a moment or two, but then finally asked the question which answer of, he had been dreading. "Where did Shampoo go?"

The brunette shrugged. "Probably back to the Cat Café with that old hag of a great-grandmother." she answered. "Whydo you ask?"

"And she just... left me there... unconscious? When I was trying to fight for her?" Mousse could believe it, but he wouldn't let himself.

"I guess so." Ukyo said, shrugging again.

Mousse looked like he was either about to blow up andkill something... or cry.

Ryoga and Ukyo were far from being heartless and they really felt for the guy. They knew how head-over-heels the amazon was for the frosty babe with the killer bicycle. Walking around the counter, they sat on either side of Mousse and patted him on the back reassuringly.

They really DID want to stay friends with him.

Mousse cleared his throat, and taking off his glasses wiped his eyes. He didn't actually start bawling right then and there, but he came close. "Thank you..."

Ukyo and Ryoga smiled and patiently waited for him get himself under control. They had all day.

Mousse finally did. "But... why did YOU stay with me, when she didn't?"

"Dunno why Shampoo didn't stay," Ryoga answered. "But we couldn't just LEAVE you there... s'not right..."

"Even after I tried to kill you?" Mousse seemed dumfounded by Ryoga and Ukyo's actions.

Ryoga shrugged. "Well... yeah." he answered.

Mousse still seemed baffled by the whole thing. "Why...?'

"'Cause you're our friend." Ukyo shrugged this time.

"I... am?" Mousse now seemed amazed.

"Well... yeah." Ryoga repeated.

Mousse looked down at his hands spread out on the table. "I... don't know what to say..."

Ukyo smiled and laid a hand Mousse's shoulder. "Then don't say anything."

Ryoga had to smile at that. Trust his Ucchan to make things all better.

Mousse didn't reply. He didn't know what to say, then he realized that Ukyo was right, he didn't have to say anything at all. Friends just knew. He smiled at the two first REAL friends he'd had in a long time.

"So, do you believe me now that I don't care about or want Shampoo?" Ryoga couldn't help but asking.

The amazon sighed. He hadn't wanted to admit it but... "Yes." he said. "I believe you, and I won't attack you any more... At least, not over her." His wry grin was humorous.

Ryoga laughed. Yeps, his friendship with Mousse was back to normal. "Good, cause I don't want ta have to beat you again." He grinned back, flashing his fangs.

"That was a fluke! It won't happen again Hibiki!" Mousse declared, grinning. "Besides, it wasn't a real fight, you had Kuonji's help! She wore me down!"

"Yeah! I sure did." Ukyo agreed, glad that she was included in their fun.

Mousse 'harumph'ed. "So I was having an off day!"

"Sure, I believe you... NOT!" said Ryoga.

"Oh yeah! You wanna make something of it Hibiki?" Mousse jumped to his feet and put up his fists in the western way of a boxer. It was obvious he was still joking around.

"Yeah, I do!" answered Ryoga, still grinning. He stood up, and took a goofy martial arts stance.

Mousse took a mock swing at the Lost Boy that didn't even come close to connecting.

"Now now, CHILDREN..." Ukyo said, laughing. "Let's behave ourselves." She grinned.

"Awe... Ucchan, you're no fun..." Ryoga pouted at her.

Mousse took that opportunity to tackle Ryoga, and soon the two boys were wrestling on the ground, with Ukyo playing referee.

Ah, it was good to have friends to beat you up instead of your enemies. :)

Isn't it though?

I thought so.

Next time on Spatulas and Bandannas: Now what are Ukyo and Ryoga going to do with a Mousse in their house? Is their friendships truly restored, despite Shampoo's presence in their lives? And is Ryoga really cured of the Cats Tongue? Find out in Spatulas and Bandannas Eighteen.

Characters created by Rumiko Takahashi Story by Shikoku and Hiroshima 


	19. Wonder of Wonders, Miracle of Miracles

A/N: Break out the Plum wine; I actually managed to complete a new chapter to this series!

No, the end of the world is not happening, I just got pestered enough to keep writing. Yes, guilt is a powerful weapon. **nods sagely**

Anyway, I still plan on finishing this series, eventually, I even have the end of the story in my head; it's just writing the damn thing out! And life keeps throwing distractions at me!

My short attention span has nothing to do with it!

Anyway, enjoy this chapter while you can, I'm not sure when the next one is coming out. I'll just say eventually…

Spatulas and Bandanna

by Shikoku

Chapter Eighteen: Wonder of Wonders, Miracle of Miracles.

Nobody seemed to know this, but Hiroshi and Daisuke were really upstanding citizens of Nerima. They were cute, funny, polite, brave, sincere, charming, punctual, good-looking, and had great personalities.

And did I mention modest?

One day, Hiroshi won the lottery. Whether Japan really has a lottery, I honestly have no clue, regardless; he came into a large sum of money and naturally shared it with his best friend.

They bought some land in the middle of Nerima and custom built a large mansion, which Daisuke designed himself.

Did I fail to mention that Daisuke was a super genius with a high I.Q.? I'm honestly not familiar with the I.Q. system, so I do not know what number a giant I.Q. is supposed to be, but I assure you that whatever number it is, it was very impressive.

Anyway, while they were waiting for their house to be built, they managed to prevent a few natural disasters and save a few damsels in distresses, as a result they were regarded as Nerimian super heroes and had tons of fame to go with their fortune.

So when their house was finally built and livable, a hundred beautiful girls volunteered to be their cat girl slaves, so Hiroshi and Daisuke spent their days lounging around on pillows being served wine and grapes by cute cat girls, while the smart ones did their homework for them, while the uglier ones did their chores…

"Okay, guys, is that enough of a payment for information?"

The two boys looked up from their pillows to see Shikoku the author hovering over them.

"I dunno…you did abandon us for how many years was it, Daisuke?"

"About four, at least, maybe even five…"

Hiroshi nodded sagely. "That is an awfully long time, and sooo much has happened since then, you're missing lots of information. Without us, it will be quite difficult to catch up…"

Shikoku started swearing under her breath, wishing the two boys hadn't listened to her when she told them they needed to learn some business skills from Nabiki. She would have gone to the middle Tendo sister to find out what was going on, but her services were still too expensive even compared to Hiroshi and Daisuke's conditions. But maybe Nabiki's bill would have been worth it, because Shikoku was tired of seeing the boys smirk at her so…

"Hey, we have the right to smirk!" Daisuke cut into her thoughts.

"Yeah, you abandoned us for SAILOR MOON, of all things!" Hiroshi added.

"The least you could do is let us visit that Minako story of yours, I've been dying to meet Sailor Venus." Daisuke said.

"Yeah, you let that Fruits Basket character visit!" Hiroshi pouted.

Shikoku sighed. "Just tell me what's going on already. I did give you what you wanted.."

"Well, now we want a pony, right, Daisuke?"

"Actually, I'd rather have a monkey.."

"Fine.."

Hiroshi has a pony, and Daisuke has a monkey.

"Yay!" the two boys pounce on their new pets.

"So..tell me.."

"Why should we believe you're gonna DO anything with our information?"

"Yeah, why should we believe you'll be writing again? Your track record isn't very good."

The author starts laughing nervously and attempts to sweep her other two unfinished projects under the carpet. "I dunno what you're talking about…"

But the two Nerimian boys ignore her: "How do you expect to publish a novel, when you can't even finish one fanfic?"

"That's it!" Shikoku growled, finally losing all of her patience. She tackles Hiroshi and starts banging his head against the marble floor.

"Tell Me!" WHAM! "Tell Me!" WHAM! "TELL ME!" WHAM!

"Tell Her! Tell Her! TELL HER!" Hiroshi managed to scream out to Daisuke.

"Okay! Okay!" Daisuke shouted frantically back.

"Dr. Tofu told Ryoga and the others that the "Old Man Tokyo" technique didn't permanently cure Ryoga from the Cat Tongue, so he still had to find a cure from Cologne."

"Cologne then showed up and taunted Ryoga with a pill that actually DID cure the Cat Tongue, but she kept it in a necklace around her neck."

"So Ryoga got a job at the Nekohanten, so he could attempt to steal the necklace away from Cologne…"

"But Cologne is way too fast for him, so he's been at it for a week now…"

"Meanwhile, Mousse had moved in with Ukyo and Ryoga, and he works at Okonomiyaki Uuchan's now. Apparently, he is seriously trying to give up on Shampoo.."

"And that's it, can you let go of my neck now?" Please?"

"Okay!" Shikoku says, all happy again. She lets go of Hiroshi's neck and bounces off to continue writing.

"Do we get to keep the stuff?" Daisuke calls after her, just as his mansion, cat girls, and monkey disappears. "Ah…Damn!" He pouts, as behind him Hiroshi is still trying to breathe again.

"You know, Ryoga Hibiki, I never realized how much of a glutton for punishment you are," Mousse sighed as he dragged the unconscious lost boy down the street by one leg.

"Why do you keep going back to the Nekohanten, when you just end up coming home unconscious, day after day? I just don't understand.."

**Drag drag drag**

"It couldn't be for the money; I've seen your paycheck… The men at my village earn a higher income than you do. Believe me that's saying much…"

Ryoga hit a bump and shot a couple inches into the air, but Mousse didn't seem to notice or care.

"Is it because I'm working at Uchan's now? I'm sure we can both work together... Ukyo Kuanji seems to have enough customers for both of us… or one of us can learn to cook… I would even be happy to stay in the backroom and just wash dishes… Just please, stop going back to that dried up old monkey. I don't want to be the one to tell Kuanji that you have died."

"You don't understand…"

Mouse gasped and, dropping Ryoga's leg, turned around to see that the lost boy had regained consciousness and was trying to sit up.

"I don't go there because I WANT to… I go because I HAVE to.."

"Why.." do you have to? Mousse would have finished saying, if Ukyo hadn't come running towards them.

"Ryo-chan! Are you okay?" She said, helping the bruised and battered boy to his feet.

"Yeah.. I think so.. just a mild concussion.."

"Good," Ukyo said, before walloping him over the head with her spatula. "Stop going over there if she's just gonna keep beating you up, you jackass!"

"I HAVE to go! I can't help it if she's so strong!"

Mousse just sort of looked back and forth between the two wondering what was going on and why he felt like he was being kept in the dark.

"What's…" going on? He would have said, if he wasn't interrupted by the voice of a cackling mummy…

WHAP!

I mean, Cologne.

"That's better." Now addressing Ryoga and Ukyo: "Your performance today was pitiful, Son in Law. At this rate it will take you a thousand years to obtain the phoenix pill."

"Pheonix Pill?" Mousse repeated, remembering mention of said pill before, but not being sure what the implications were. But knowing the old crone like he did, it was definitely not good.

Around this point, Shampoo bounced off his head and entered the scene.

"Haiya! Shampoo brought the chestnuts, Great Grandmother!"

"Good girl, Shampoo" Cologne said, patting the amazon on the head as she purred happily for the praise.

Mousse tried hard to refrain from glomping onto Shampoo. "She treats you like dirt, she treats you like dirt..she treats you like dirt" he kept quietly repeating to himself until the urdge went away.

Giving up Shampoo might be harder than he thought.

Ukyo glared at the two amazons. "What's with the chestnuts, old woman? Are we having a cook out?"

"As a matter of fact, yes, we are," Cologne answered, ignoring Ukyo's open hostility. She led them to a conveniently located empty lot (funny how many of those are in Nerima considering they're in Tokyo), and set up a small fire. Then she tossed the chestnuts into the fire and picked them up again with her bare hands in a few seconds.

Everyone blinked and almost missed it.

So Cologne did it again.

"Wow, you're pulling the chestnuts out of the fire so fast your hands don't get burned!" Ryoga stated the obvious. (Somebody had to)

"You're showing them one of the super secret amazon tricks?" Mousse cried in disbelief. The amazons were so secretive about their abilities; they refused to even show amazon males any of them, that was why the men had to come up with their own techniques.

"Hiya, is the "chestnuts roasting on an open fire" technique. As Shampoo's husband, Ryoga have every right to know secret." But secretly Shampoo was also kind of surprised (and annoyed) that Cologne was planning on teaching Ryoga one of the techniques Shampoo herself had always begged (and been denied) to be taught.

"With this technique, Future Son in Law, snatching the Phoenix pill from me should be much simpler. I just hope you are capable of learning it." Then the crone cackled and hopped away.

"Bye bye," Shampoo said, soon following.

"What is she talking about?" Ryoga seethed. "I can learn anything the old woman can throw at me!"

But Ukyo was not so sure. "I don't know, sugar.. wouldn't the Cat Tongue affect.." But she was caught off by a yelp of pain as Ryoga proved the point she was just about to make.

"Owe owe owe! It's sooo hot!" He screamed in pain, flailing around. His long sleeves had caught on fire.

Freaked out, Mousse pulled out a bucket of water and…

"NOOOOOO!" screamed Ukyo, lunging at him.

But it was too late.

Mousse splashed Ryoga and turned him into P-chan.

At first, Ryoga was happy he had stopped burning..but then realization hit and the true implements of being P-chan again hit him:

"BWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Translation: "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

That night, after spending the day being beaten up by Ukyo and listening to P-chan wail despondently, Mousse finally got away and sat on top of Uchan's thinking about all that has occurred.

"How was I supposed to know about the Cat Tongue curse?" Mousse grumbled, rubbing a particularly sore bruise on his cheek. It wasn't like Ukyo or Ryoga had ever told him about it!

Well, that would explain why Ryoga had been getting stinky lately…

Oh, and the whole determined to beat up Cologne and steal the Phoenix pill thing, too.

"But I can't believe Shampoo would do something so… dastardly!"

Cologne, he believed easily.

"Hiya! How did Ryoga become pig again?"

Well, speak of the devil herself.

Shampoo, I mean, not Cologne.

"Sh-sh-shampoo? What are you doing here?" He stammered, suddenly nervous at her sudden appearance, which I guess is more of a Dr. Tofu reaction to Kasumi. So instead of going brain dead and skipping around town with a skeleton, Mousse actually could hold up his end of intelligent conversation.

"Shampoo was going to sleep in husband bed, again, but husband pig now." Shampoo pouted.

Later, Mousse wasn't sure if it was the husband thing, the slipping into bed thing, or her total casualness about Ryoga being a pig when she should fully know this was HER fault, but something buried deep inside of Mousse snapped and he seemed to be able to clearly see Shampoo for the first time…ever.

And he did not like what he saw.

"You… you're evil!" He said, all shocked and stuff. He had honestly never noticed before.

Shampoo blinked. "What you say, Mousse?"

"All of you amazons are evil! I used to think you were different, but you're the most evilest of them all!" Mousse was getting really fired up.

"What Mousse talking ?" Shampoo asked, getting worried. She had never seen Mousse like this before.

"What I'm saying" Mousse answered, switching to their native language in case his words flew over her head. "Is that I can't believe you did this to him."

Shampoo happily joined him in Chinese. "I don't understand why you are acting like this."

"I'm talking about the Cat Tongue curse. Your witch of a grandmother put it on a guy that turns into a pig!"

"So?" Shampoo was still not seeing the point.

"So, Ryoga is now trapped in the body of a pig! He will never be human again! Don't you see how horrible that is? You turn into a cat, would you like to be stuck like that forever!"

"Being a cat is not the end of the world, Mousse."

"You… you.." Mousse sputtered, so angry, he couldn't even complete the thought.

"Besides, Ryoga will become human again. He just has to marry me and come back to China. Then Great Grandmother will cure him of the Cat Tongue and everything will be fine."

"All of this was a plot to get Ryoga to marry you?" Mousse was dumbstruck, though it really should have been obvious.

Shampoo sure thought so, she gave him a "well, duh" look. "Why else would we do this to him?"

"You… you.. ruthless bitch!"

Shampoo gasped and slapped him. Mousse didn't even flinch; he just slapped her back, almost knocking Shampoo to the ground. She gave him a death glare, but upon seeing the look on his face, she lost all of her fighting spirit.

Mousse looked.. disappointed at her.. No, it was worse than that… he actually looked disgusted at seeing her before him.

"Mousse.." Shampoo started to say, but he cut her off.

"Don't talk… don't even look at me.. You're not the woman I thought you were. I would never love a woman as low as you.."

Shampoo gasped, as if he had struck her, again.

"I'm never associating with the amazons, again, and as far as I'm concerned, you don't exist."

And with that he turned and went back inside Uchan's, leaving Shampoo standing on the roof, wondering what the hell had just happened.

Next time on Spatulas and Bandannas: Is this really the end of Mousse's love for Shampoo? Does Shampoo even care? What is Ryoga going to do now that he is a pig again?

Characters created by Rumiko Takahashi Story by Shikoku and Hiroshima


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